You Need A Hobby: Weekend Horoscopes May 29-31

Awww sh*t, is it almost June? Since living in quarantine, I think it’s become clear to all of us that time is a social construct … as is business attire and corporate casual. I can do just as much work in my sweatpants as I can in my pencil skirt. And I can do just as much work at 7pm with a glass of wine as I can in my cubicle at 9am. Just saying.

There’s no end in sight for social distancing, so we can only hope that the stars and planets have something interesting in store for this, the last weekend in May.


This weekend has some temper tantrum bullsh*t on the agenda, Gemini. Basically, the moon and sun are in a hissy fit match and you’re going to end up taking the brunt of the interaction in the way of feeling super confrontational on Saturday and part of Sunday. Try to avoid giant arguments by taking some time for yourself, curling up with a book, or plopping down to watch Outer Banks with a personal pizza. Pro tip: any pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the whole f*cking thing yourself.


Channel your angsty feelings into learn-y feelings this weekend, Cancer. The planets are aligning in such a way on Saturday as to make you more anxious than usual, so try taking out that potential aggression via an online knitting class or socially distant book club (idfk—it seems like that could be a thing these days… right?). Use Sunday for catching up with friends on FaceTime so they can see your natural hair color, since you still can’t go to the salon to cover those roots. Sad.


Neptune and the moon are all, “hey, you should check your bank account,” Leo. When you do, it’ll likely spur you to spend all day Saturday coming up with a detailed budget and checklist about how not to spend obscene amounts of money on takeout when, yes, you do have food in the pantry. After that scare, use Sunday to watch something financially scary, like The Big Short or The Hills.


Don’t let stress ruin your weekend, Virgo. After two-ish months in quarantine, you need to release some energy. Go for a jog or power walk with your new fanny pack. Or, better yet, go for a hike and sit out in the middle of nowhere on Saturday with a bottle of wine, a book, and an embarrassing amount of cheese and crackers. You’ll feel fancy, you’ll feel less stressed, and you’ll feel like you’re doing way more than sitting inside mindlessly scrolling through Netflix.


Saturday is for sleeping in and Sunday is for jumping into sh*t head first, Libra. You’re going to feel the need to pull away from everyone and everything as soon as work is over on Friday, so let that feeling carry into Saturday and, yeah, just keep your sweats on, order a Taco Bell party box, and sink into relaxation and solitude. Sunday you’ll feel refreshed and rejuvenated, so attack some household chores, attempt to get some gardening done, or just stop being a piece of sh*t and do the dishes that have been sitting in the sink for three days.


Toot toot! All aboard the friendSHIP, Scorpio. Although we’ve been all about relationships and ourselves the last few weeks, it’s time to finally focus on your tribe. Use Saturday to head to brunch while socially distancing if you feel safe, or, better yet, just have a FaceTime mimosa happy hour. You may find that a few of your besties are not thriving in quarantine and could use a shoulder to cry on (but not literally because #covid).


How do you feel about your job these days, Sagittarius? If you’re lucky enough to still be employed during this craziness, use Saturday to sit down and weigh out your professional goals. Make a pros and cons list, brainstorm future projects that’ll get your boss to notice you, or just think about how you can ask for a raise without sounding like a complete asshole. On Sunday, be careful about your impulsive side; the planets will be throwing some curve balls and you don’t want to give in and do something stupid… like agree to another Zoom date with a weirdo.


You’re going to be itching to travel this weekend, Capricorn. With many areas lifting restrictions, you can consider a safe sight-seeing weekend drive that doesn’t require much out-of-the-car activity and/or makes use of patio spaces at restaurants and breweries. Journey to the town over or just meander through the closest national park. It’ll help you break out of your house-induced funk while also allowing you to adhere to social distancing guidelines. It’s basically a win-win.


Time to examine how things are split money-wise with you and your S.O., Aquarius. This isn’t an opportunity to fight or have things get ugly; just a chance to review where tf your money is going. If you’re solo, take a quick peek at your accounts and try to start putting some money away for retirement someday. After all that boring sh*t, use Sunday for some romance. If you’re paired up, order takeout from your favorite restaurant and do something fun and funky in the bedroom (whatever happened to those weird KY His & Hers lubes? That could be neat). If you’re solo, pour a glass of wine and peruse the dating apps while FaceTiming your bestie.


Get ready for an emotional relationship rollercoaster, Pisces. The Virgo moon on Friday night and Saturday will have you and your S.O. feeling irritable and ready to fight over more than usual. If there are dishes in the sink, socks on the floor, or a snide comment in sight—take f*cking cover. If you’re single, put down the phone and get off of any dating apps—it ain’t gonna be pretty. The good news is that by Sunday, the moon in Libra will highlight partnership and intimacy, so you can put all the arguing aside in favor of some snuggling.


Get healthy this weekend, Aries. You usually like to take it easy on weekends, but try to approach Saturday and Sunday with the mentality of doing something good for body and mind. Rev up the Vitamix and make a fruit smoothie before going for a bike ride, hike, or walk around the block. Try not to eat a tray of brownies alone. Have a glass of wine WHILE you’re on the treadmill. Baby steps, fam.


Paint a picture or write a sad song or do some very basic DIY on Saturday, Taurus. Uranus (lol!) is going to be pushing you to flex your artistic muscles, so don’t be afraid to lean into your creative side. It’d even be a fun idea to call mom and make her watch while you attempt something difficult in the kitchen, like not burning a cake or pretending to understand how bread works.

Images: Giphy (12)

Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki
Sarah Nowicki aka Betchy Crocker writes about food, fashion, and whatever else she's in the mood to complain about for Betches and like, some other people. She resides in Asheville, NC, where she spends her time judging hipsters and holding on to her Jersey heritage and superiority. Yell at her on Instagram @sarahnowicholson