Time To F*cking Vote: Weekly Horoscopes Nov. 1-6

The election is upon us, Mercury is retrograde, Mars is in Aries, and nobody knows what the f*ck is going on. The only thing we can do is look to the stars and hope things shake out okay. Or even just like, slightly better than they’ve been. Is that so much to ask, Universe? Read on for what the stars have planned for you this week. Maybe grab your wine before diving in.


Don’t jump to conclusions, Aries! You’ll be spending this election week doing your best to stay out of the prediction game, no matter how many polls you end up frantically Googling at 1am. Once the ballots start being counted, there’s not much else you can do except sit back and watch the results come in (which may take all week). Unless things go full Mad Max, in which case… you’ve been training your whole life for this. 


Your iconic chill will be put to the test this week, Taurus, but luckily there’s a way to kill two birds with one stone. You can both limit the spread of coronavirus *and* help alleviate some of your election anxiety by staying the f*ck home! That’s right, you’ll feel your best keeping things domestic this week (aka where all your wine and candles are), which is great because that’s what you should be doing anyway. Good for you! 


You may have been obsessively re-tweeting, re-blogging, and re-posting every single piece of election news you can find this week, but starting on Election Day, you need to go full social media shutdown. Believe me, your friends will find out who won the election from somewhere other than your TikTok, and the overflow of information is actually not helpful. Why not take a back seat and go back to posting about dogs for a few days? 


Planning to just stay in your house from now until the next president is inaugurated? Not a bad idea, Cancer. Right now you are 100% set on keeping it cozy, which is great because that’s about one of the only things you can control right now. Crank the heat up, fluff the pillows, and get working on your perfect anxiety-reducing tea recipe. You’re probably going to need it.


Is what you’re sharing helpful or hurtful? This is a good question to ask over the next few days, as all our feeds will be flooded with tons of info, some of which may be more reliable than others. (Note: just because someone with a blue check tweeted it doesn’t make it true.) This week, be mindful of the stuff you put out on your feed since your fire sign can be more than a little susceptible to inflammatory content. For more info on that, please watch The Social Dilemma


All of us will be susceptible to some election-induced panic buying this week, Virgo, but you need to be particularly careful. Yeah, things might be stressful, but that doesn’t mean you need to drop a grand right now on state-of-the art go bag in case you need to move to the woods. We’re not quite there yet. Buy yourself a slightly-more-expensive-than-necessary candle and leave it at that. 


Trying to be the mediator between yourself, your family who voted for [REDACTED], and your family who are still saying they won’t vote at all is enough to send even the most diplomatic of signs (which you are) into hysterics. Time to bow out. You’re not going to be the one who will convince your cousin that both candidates aren’t the same, and you’re def not going to be the one who convinces your great aunt that all Democrats are not Satan worshipping pedophiles, so why not make some last minute calls to *real* undecided voters and spend the rest of your energy choosing your election night drink menu?


This election night might have you thinking back to last election night, which we’re gonna guess probably looked *pretty* different than what you’re facing now. With all the election talk in the air, don’t be surprised if you are flooded with memories from the last four years—the good, the bad, and the ugly drunk crying. Let the waves of emotion come without judgement. At least this time around you’ll be home with a bottle of wine. 


You might find some surprising connections pop up in the next few days (with a voter in a swing state, perhaps?), and you don’t want to take it for granted. *Commercial voice* In these unprecedented times, somehow making a new friend is like winning the lottery, especially because you might need a new person to vent to in the coming days. Okay, let’s face it, months. 


The election hasn’t happened yet but you’re already thinking, “what’s next?” Same, Capricorn, same. All this focus on the future of the country may have you feeling re-focused on the future of you, which is a lot easier for you to control and not run by an archaic system of electors invented by a bunch of white dudes 200 years ago. In fact, the only person you have to convince to win the popular vote is you. Okay, and maybe your group chat. 


Is this the dawning of the age of Aquarius or… something way less fun? This week, your forward-thinking rebellious sign may be overwhelmed with the what-ifs. Find ways to focus on the present moment, even if that means turning off the news for a little while. We promise it’ll still be there for you when you return. It kind of never stops. 


Feeling all the feelings is an understatement for you, this week, Pisces. In fact, you might even be feeling some new feelings that were invented for just this situation. Breathe. Allow yourself some quiet alone time if you start to feel overwhelmed, and if you wanna cry, let it out. Okay, who are we kidding—you’re definitely gonna cry at some point.

Images: Philip Goldsberry / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.