Dear Betch…

Dear Head Betches,

I've been having some problems with 62.Pros lately. I mean, all betches know that blowjobs are totz 121.”Casual” but let's be honest- they effing blow (literally). Every 62.Pro I've been with lately has tried to push me (let's keep it PG) “down there”, but I'm like soooo not into it. I mean, 105.”It's Like, Whatever” but I know I'm def not the only betch out there with neck cramps. Like betches and blowjobs are bad enough as is- don't #skullbash us in the process, plz. Spare our necks and your embarrassment when we reject your “kind” offer to suck on your junk. Let's not forget how much my hair costs- don't mess with it. #Skullbashing is a serious 115.Dating Deal Breaker.

So Betch, please help me. What is a betch to do when in this situation? How do you let your 62.Pro know that you're uncomf without sounding like a total loser?

Sincerely, #Skullbashing Sucks

Dear #Skullbashing sucks,

Frankly, we couldn't get through this e-mail without dying, of laughing at your ass. Skullbashing? You make a guy lightly shoving your head towards his genitals sound like he's hitting the back of your head with a baseball bat. If he were skullbashing your head in the direction of his penis, I'm pretty sure you would be suffering from a mild concussion. I mean then again, this would explain your eloquently written email.

Onto the topic of blowjobs. You are hooking up with the wrong bros, honey. If every “pro” you're making out forcefully nudges your head down to suck his penis, it's either that you have a BJ repuation that you're not aware of or you're hooking up with townies.

Your real concern should not be how much your neck hurts from these bros' deep disrespect towards you, instead it should be why these guys are calling you a slut with their hands. The only person this action wouldn't offend is Hellen Keller; it's the most straight forward 'sign' of 'give me head, bitch.'

Oh and like, why are you trying to make skullbashing trend?

Sincerely, The Betches ___________________________________

Dear Betch,

My once-stellar life has become rather lackluster as of late. I've been in a fantastic relationship with a pro for two and a half years now. I love him, he loves me, his family is rich, I'm even in with his superbetch of a mom. The only problem is that he hasn't been so much of a pro lately…

He's a lawyer. Or was. He lost his job a few months ago. I was sure he'd find a new one, and have been trying to be supportive, but there's only so much a betch can take. Obviously he has savings, which he's been using to make sure that we still go out to fabulous dinners and on romantic weekend getaways, lots of nice presents, etc., but I'm worried it will all run out soon. More than the money, it's just embarrassing to have to tell people my pro is “between jobs” right now.

I've waited for three months for him to find a new job, and no luck. Last week the lease on his Audi expired, and he's talking about waiting to find a job until he can get a car! So tell me, betches, is three months enough waiting time? Should I stick it out a little more or set aside my love in search of financial security and a fabulous lifestyle?

xoxo, Nervously Waiting

Dear Nervously Waiting,

Now, being that we don't have hearts, we predict you were writing to us waiting for the okay to act like a money-grubbing slut and bail on this relationship guilt-free. Wrong. It's one thing to have dating deal breakers that necessitate a guy having some money and being able to support himself. It's quite another to be a gold-digging whore. If you dump your boyfriend of two and a half years because he lost his job that makes you the latter. No guy will ever want to marry you if he knows that as soon as shit gets rough you're going to bail.

Now, betches are all about having a fabulous lifestyle, but when life throws you this kind of annoying shit, that's when its time to call your dad. As long as he's not a lazy douchebag and he's actively searching for a job and doesn't expect you to pay for any of his shit, you should stay with him. Also like, chill out, this bro is a lawyer, not a fucking laid-off telemarketer.

On a different but related note, you should probably break up with this guy because you're just not that into him. We wouldn't expect you to start dating an unemployed loser but if you're in love with someone who turns into one, that's a different story. If you love him like you claimed you do you wouldn't give a shit that he lost his job and wouldn't consider breaking up with him because you're embarrassed to say he's in between jobs. Betches don't care what other people think, remember? That's for #64 social climbers and girls with no family money. Vom. Be a fair weather girlfriend and you'll wind up to married to a suicidal wife-beater who throws tacky $60,000 birthday parties for a five year old in a desperate attempt to convince the world he has money.


The Betches


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