Dear Betch…

Dear Betches,

First off, I'm in love with your site. With you guys being the pros that you are, I need some betchy advice.

All last school year I kinda liked this bro and we hooked up every once awhile but he was a total flake and I couldn't deal with it anymore. Being the betch that I am, I went to the extreme, I went for his brother.

Now occasionally hooking up with the brother and the other bro knows about it, what is a betch to do? It all started to prove to the bro I wouldn't wait around for him, but now I realize I made a mistake if that is possible.


Sibling Scandal

Dear Sibling Scandal,

This sounds like something straight out of the Montel Williams show. Hooking up with two brothers to get back at one is kind of trashy and you really won’t have any future with either brother if he finds out you’ve been #8 fucking the other one.

This is super incestuous, and not in the hot Vampire Diaries or One Tree Hill kind of way. Brothers will hook up with the same girl for laughs but no guys seriously date the girl who’s so desperate for dick that she’s willing to keep it in the family. There’s not branching out and then there’s being unsure if your pregnancy scare would make your guy a father or an uncle. Not betchy.

We get that jealousy is a powerful tool in manipulating bros, but really? His brother? Hook up with someone he hates, not someone he's going to #1 talk shit about you with for the rest of his fucking life. Our advice is to move on from this entire family and find a someone to hook up with who’s outside this genetic pool of literal bros.


The Betches


Dear Betch, So I've recently arrived at college and though I'm of course #127 Not Branching Out and simultaneously in tons of #22 Group Photogs and#6 Mobile Uploads with people who just really want to hang out with me, I've encountered a small social problem: the money issue. Like, in high school me and all my friends had money and it wasn't an issue when we went out for #72 Sushi and we racked up a bill that was like over 15 dollars a person. But now I'm in college with all these girls who seem betchy until they look at me weird when they borrow a pair of my shoes and realize they're Prada. Even the wealthy betches who got Tiffany #30 Graduation Gifts want to save money! So mostly I suck it up and drink the cheap vodka (beer is for peasants). I even occasionally complain how “expensive” stuff is! But still some of my friends tell me that my lifestyle is making some of our other friends “uncomfortable.” But when they ask me what I'm doing over break, am I supposed to lie about staying at a Four Seasons in the Caribbean? What should I do? Because there is no way I'm taking off my Yurman or putting away my Marc Jacobs to make some other betches a little more comfortable. Sincerely, Betch out of Water Dear Betch Out of Water, This is a perfect example of why betches don’t #107 branch out. Who wants to deal with having to pretend you’re not filthy rich in front of poor girls. The next thing you know you’re having #51 group dinners at Greek diners and involved in a clothes sharing ring that includes items from Forever 21. Just don’t go there. If you can, find at least one other bestie with money to join your crew, so you can at least laugh at your poor friends with her. If you can’t, check out “how to seem down to earth” for tips on pleasing the 99%. If this gets too stressful, just remember that although money can’t buy you friends, it can if you join a sorority. Sincerely, The Betches

P.S. Do you actually like, speak in those numbers? Did you memorize them? You did didn't you. “Not Branching Out” is #107, not #127.


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