Dear Betch…

Dear Betch,

A couple of nights ago I was at a party when my best male friend turned up. Now he asked me out 2 years ago and I said no but we are really good friends. He is madly in love with this snooty cow who has just gone on her year abroad.

Anyhoo, long story short, we ended up 'going home together' after the party and it was fun. I really enjoyed it – and I don't generally have feelings! He loved it too. It was awesome. I did actually mention his gf at the time but was instructed to “Stop thinking! Live in the moment!” so I did.

He has now declared the event a “terrible mistake” which has made him realize “how much he loves” the gf. To be honest, WTF??! I am furious and he has been so f**king RUDE and DISRESPECTFUL. How can I salvage this friendship but make him pay for being so incredibly callous and ungrateful??!

Love, Regretful Betch

Dear Regretful Betch,

Let's start this off by saying that you lost right away when you #8 fucked him despite his pleas to “live in the moment and stop thinking.” Any guy that wants you to stop thinking is saying that so you will fuck him without 'thinking' about where this is going. You generally DO have feelings despite what you say because you're writing us this letter in the first place so cut the shit, let's call a spade a spade. You fucked a guy that wasn't that into you. Since we've established that you've lost, it's time to move on and regain your dignity.

The best/worst part about this situation is that this guy isn't even trying to be #53 shady. He told you straight out it was 'a terrible mistake' and he's not into you and when you brought up his girlfriend he basically told you that in the moment he was happy to fuck you, but not for the foreseeable future. There's no need to get back at him because he didn't do anything wrong and we don't have to reiterate again how THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS FUCKING GUY FRIENDS. Be a betch. Move on. Anymore time invested in this guy just makes you look like a pathetic loser.


The Betches ______________________________

Dear Betches,

Lately I've been having trouble with my pro boyfriend of 1 and a half years. We have sex a lot and it's great, but he's never given me head. I know as a betch if this is any problem at all he should be forgotten faster than you can say “boo you whore”, but i can't end our relationship just because of this. He says it's one thing that really grosses him out and he would never be able to do it with anyone, but i want my head. How do i get him to go down on me without pressuring him too much?

Love, The (lack of) Head Betch

Dear Lack of Head Betch,

It sounds like you and your boyfriend of 18 months have shitty sex. Let's get real. If it were like, fucking amazing and you could get off from sex this wouldn't bother you. Your pro sounds pretty selfish and not treating you like a betch. I mean, seriously, like okay he's grossed out by eating a girl out. What does he think his dick is, a fucking calorie free fro-yo? If he's so repulsed by a vagina he should go fuck a guy with the same parts as him.

We all do shit we don't want to for the people we really like so if your boyfriend's not even trying to please you (or at least compensate by buying you really nice shit), he's just not that into you. A guy will go down for a girl who asks for it if he really likes her, no matter how gross he thinks it is. But don't try to convince him of this. Who wants to get something when the giver isn't putting forth all his effort? It'll suck.

So unless you plan on marrying this guy and having shitty sex for the rest of your life, move on. His lack of giving head is a symbol of greater selfishness to cum.


The Betches


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