Dear Betch…

Dear Betches,

First off, I totally love your site. Go figure because I have thought of all of these things. But I have a question for you pros.

I have gotten really good at Not Fucking Bros. But now I worry I’ve gotten too good. It’s been a long time and I’m starting to wonder: how long is too long to go without fucking bros?!

Sincerely, Antsy Betch

Dear Antsy Betch,

As much as we’re honored to hear that you’re living your life as a marionette in our little puppet show, this is a concerning email for a few reasons.

For one, please don’t follow our advice blindly, you make it so easy to understand the mindset of Germany during the Third Reich. Do what you want and when you want, caring too much reeks of an insecure loser.

And second, are you #8 not fucking one or a multitude of bros? If it’s just one you’re not fucking, leading him on with the promise of sex will keep the guy around, but waiting too long might leave you alone and earn you the reputation of being a virgin.

However if you’re hanging out with a bunch of guys and not having sex with any of them, make sure that it’s on your terms and not theirs. The winter weight may be lurking but betches don’t let it settle. Next thing you know you’re like Deena from J-Shore and you can’t find a person to fuck you with a 10 foot pole, having to convince yourself that you’re a lesbian and live with the fact that someone named Snooki is better looking than you.


The Betches




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