Dear Betch…

Dear Betch, Why are fat girls always hot? I am your typical skinny betch always on a fucking #5 diet. There’s a fat betch that works in the same office as me and is always hot and stomps over to the thermostat and sets the temperature to 65 so everyone, especially me, freezes their asses off. So now I have a question: How does a skinny betch like me stay warm while still looking hot at the office and why are fat girls always so hot?

Best, Frustrated Skinny Betch

Dear Frustrated Skinny Betch,

We’re not scientists or anything, but it’s pretty obvious why fat people are always hot. Do you sweat when you wear a sweatshirt and sweatpants and wrap yourself in a duvet cover? That’s kind of what being fat is like. All the fucking time.

It’s enough to make you starve yourself until Friday.

You’re in a tough spot, but we think the best move is to quit your job. Why endure the discomfort of being both cold and in the presence of fat people all day when you could be keeping warm at the gym, while getting #5 skinnier, or on vaca in the Caribbean, while getting #27 tanner?

However, if you’re poor and must work we hear they have this amazing invention called a fucking sweater. Get one.


The Betches


Dear Betch,

I broke up with my ex 9 months ago from a 14 month relationship. He took it extremely hard and turned into the worlds worst case of psycho bipolar known to human history. He went home for summer and we had virtually zero contact for 4 months. School started and a guy I’m into who is also into me is BipolarEx’s teammate from the football team. He felt bad since the ex is his buddy so he asked BipolarEx if it’s cool with him that we hang out… BipolarEx said yes. Three weeks later BipolarEx and the rest of the football team are running around campus calling me a skank to anyone who will listen.

I’m just one betch against 30 guys with IQ’s in the double digits, combined. How do i deal?

Love, Insecure Betch

Dear Insecure Betch,

Sounds like your bipolar ex is the one who’s insecure. He obviously told his friend he could hook up with you because he didn’t wanna look like a fucking loser who’s still obsessed with his girlfriend after far too long. However, when you’ve dated a betch these things tend to happen.

He obviously was not okay with it and so he’s using the douchey loser insecure bro’s all-time favorite tool: calling girls sluts to make themselves feel better about the fact that no one will ever love them. It’s okay if anyone who will listen to someone as stupid as this thinks that you’re a skank. Who cares? You’re a betch and you don’t give a shit about what anyone thinks about you, remember?

The best reaction you could have when confronted with these rumors is to say really nice shit about your ex and say that it’s just so sad that he has to act this way to compensate for his small dick. Sigh


The Betches



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