Dear Betch…

Dear Betches,

My BFF and I are the hottest betches at our school–hands down, diva status, no contest. We both recently snagged ourselves a pair of uglyhots (best fucking decision). Problem is, the uglyhots and every fucking bro around wants to see us (my Bestie and I) make out. Get real motherfuckers, this is the twin, not some European drunken study abroad hookup. How do we bow out without coming across as nice girls and loosing fucking betch status? And we can't loose these motherfucking uglyhots, life would obviously be a shit train if this happened.




Dear Yes It Would Kill Us To Be Nice Girls,

Don't worry about “keeping” these #19 ugly hot bros. If a guy isn't going to like you because you won't make out with a girl, then he doesn't fucking like you that much to begin with. As a betch, you don't do things to please bros, they do things to please you.

Betchiness is not about going out and self-inducing unwanted lesbian experiences. That doesn't make you fun, that makes you susceptible to peer pressure. And that's not betchy, because betches are the ones who do the peer pressuring manipulating.

That said, you don't need to outright refuse to do it either. Better to keep them in constant anticipation of something that's never going to happen, like Jennifer Lopez celebrating a golden anniversary.


The Betches ________________________

Dear Betch,

My betch group is amazing- we all are shit hot, get invited to the hottest parties, vacation in the most exotic locales, and all of our boyfriends are rich 62. Pros. The only problem is recently our betchy 7. Token Crazy Friend’s hairlooks like shit. TCF is trying to be a blonde, but no matter how much cash she spends during her #salondays we secretly chant “Black and Yellow, Black and Yellow” when she walks by. It’s getting to a point that she’s ruining our group pics and all we do is 1. Talk shit about her. What’s the proper #betchetiquette to get her to pull an Olivia Wilde and stop embarrassing herself and us?


Hating girls who are bleachy and streaky


Dear Hating girls who are beachy and streaky,

First of all, that “black and yellow” thing is hilarious. Betches love any opportunity to #1 talk shit, and when you can put a funny spin on it, there's nothing better. Sounds like something we would do for suuure.

However, if you like this girl at all, and you want to improve the quality of your group pictures without having everyone think you're friends with J-Woww from season 1 of Jersey Shore, you should just tell her. Start casually backstalking pics of old times together and be like, “omg your hair looked so good here, what happ?!” Sure she might cry, but then you just have something else to make fun of.

If not she'll probably take you up on your advice and thank you after she realizes you've saved her from looking like a freak for much longer. Much like your #83 sisters, girls in your bestie group are an extension of who you are, and true betches look out for each other. Even if that means being the one with the burden of telling her she has ugly highlights or that she's one shot away from a nip slip.


The Betches



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