Dear Betch…

Dear Betch,

First off, love the site. Secondly, my issue is that i can't seem to make up my fucking mind.

I am hooking up with two different guys, from two different groups. My friends keep saying how big of a slut I am if I don't decide already.

Here's the thing, I actually don't want to commit to either of them because who wants a fucking boyfriend in their prime years?

How do I convince my friends I am not a whore by not playing the song by LAMFO constantly because that song is so fucking old?

I am just trying to have some fucking fun in life, you are only young and hot once.

Love always,

Wants best of both worlds ______________________________________________________________________

Dear Wants the Best of Both Worlds,

Sounds like your friends are a bunch of bitter jealous bitches who are upset that you’re getting laid and they’re not.

As long as you’re not cheating or screwing anyone over, you’re allowed to do what you're doing. We realize there’s a double standard at work here and that if you were a guy all you’d be getting were high fives and you’d be giving details, not excuses. Betches are feminists in that we think its okay for you to have as many VIPs as you want.

Famous historical betch Cleopatra was a huge fan of the love triangle and she was like a hot, huge powerful betch. No need to be shady about it, enjoy your prime betchy years and tell your friends to fuck off.

Just remember to use protection because there’s nothing unbetchier than not knowing who your baby daddy is.


The Betches ______________________________________________________________________

Dear Betches,

I am totes in need of some serious Queen Betch Advice….

There is this guy who is a total Pro, he is super hot and I really like him (but I know as a true Betch that I can not make the first move). It all started as we became friends, but who are we kidding? Guy friends don't exist….unless their gay.

I am one hop skip and a sake bomb away from banging this guy but there is one little dilemma… a little bitch (emphasis the i).

Not only is this bitch in high school (gag) she is totes disgusting about her feelings for him…. I'm talking stage five clingster. Her grip on him is like my grip on my Daddy's black card. Also his fb wall is covered in her disgusting hearts and smiley faces. ( I don't know whats worse…her comments or his responses back that totally make me want to throw up the lunch I didn't eat.)

I know for a fact this pro belongs with me- and not this Hannah Montana wanna be- he belongs with a true betch and we would be perfect together.

How do I steal this pro from this baby (we all the know the only thing rocking in their bedroom will be her cradle) ?

Sincerely, Betch in Need ______________________________________________________________________

Dear Betch in Need,

If he's responding positively to the hearts and smileys that Hannah Montana's posting on his Facebook, and you claim she has a grip on him…

There's this saying. If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck…

It sounds like he likes her. Don't try to steal him, that's textbook losing.

If you were to hook up it sounds like he might be cheating on her, or at least Hannah would probably think so. We don't know their relationship but either way it sounds bad. If he thought you two were “perfect together” we have no doubt he'd make the move. Especially considering he's the type of guy who would openly share endearing messages on Facebook, something tells us he wouldn't be shy about wanting to be with you if he did. He could be a #33 nice guy, and that's repulsive on it's own.

Or if he pursues you while he's still ambiguously with Hannah, he might be a #53 SAB which we “like,” but we can already tell you're in danger of getting attached. Remember he already has Hannah, and you like him before he even made any real move, so by nature of the situation you're primed to lose.

Less is more. Do nothing. Sincerely,

The Betches



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