Dear Betch…

Dear Betch,

Finally, some betches who know the deal and tell it like it is…love what you're doing here. Here's my sitch. I was brought up getting my way in every situation. My mom, a Queen Betch, instilled in her little betches the importance of marrying a rich man and getting everything you want without having to actually do anything except look stunning, raise a baby or two, and be a complete betch. Last year I met an incredible man who makes me so happy, and we now have a house and two dogs, and are on our way to “happily ever after.” Problem is, he's not rich…at all. He has a blue collar job and he'll most likely never make more than 100-150K a year. Can love sans tons of $$$ = happiness?

Am I a terrible betch to be thinking that I can't marry this amazing guy because he doesn't have “betch husband financial status”? In need of some betchy insight.


Crazy Betch in Love


Dear Crazy Betch in Love,

Developing feelings is dangerous and can often lead to bad decisions. That being said, betches aren’t heartless, snobby, gold digging whores so we get why you might have fallen for the poor guy. In this scenario you’ve got two options.

1) Dump po’ boy and find a rich pro who might be a huge asshole but might make up for it in presents (yay!) and mind games (double yay!!). Remember that if you choose this option you should definitely NOT get a prenup or you might as well choose option 2.

2) Stay with your lovable poor guy and get a real job. Beware that you might resent him two years down the road when your love/lust has faded but the diamonds your bestie's pro husband gave her have not. However, if you don’t mind doing work, which most betches do, this is a viable option.

Whichever option you pick, decide soon so you don’t wind up old and poor. Remember, if you don’t think through your decision to marry rich, you could wind up sharing custody with a glorified sperm donor who used to have all his hair.


The Betches




Hey betches,

I am taking a fucking summer class which sucks… but there is an extremely uglyhot guy in my class! He is so rich and smart and funny and if he had better clothes, he could possibly be a Pro later in life.

The thing is, he would never think of asking me out or asking for my number because 1. we're in a class together, and 2. I don't think he thinks I would date him!

How can I go about getting him?!

Thank you! Keep up the great work!


Dear loser taking a summer class,

Next to being blackout, being in a class is the easiest way to meet a guy. Take Cady for example, she just dumbed herself down to get Aaron Samuels to talk to her. The possibilities are endless The limit does not exist.

However, we don't suggest you make yourself look like a fucking idiot in front of him because even though guys like to be the smarter half of the relationship, betches are supposed to be intelligent.

That said, the best way to meet this ugly hot bro is to wait for him to fucking approach you. We don't give a shit if this guy looks like Quasimoto, betches don't make the first move. So really the only thing you can do is wear a low cut shirt and not be a total fucking bitch when he does approach you.

Honestly, thinking that he wont ask you out because “he thinks you wouldn't date him” is a load of shit. That sounds like something the delusional dater would think, and like my 12 year old sister.


The Betches



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