Well, internet. Congratulations. You’ve done it again. You’ve taken something that we all loved and you’ve crushed it in your cold, clammy hands. No, I’m not referring to Y2k fashion or even just like, the general concept of privacy: I am talking about “no-bones day.”
For those of you who may be living under a rock (or at the very least have a TikTok algorithm niche enough to shelter you from the zeitgeist), a “no-bones” day is when a 13-year-old pug named Noodle is awoken by his owner, Jonathan Graziano, and shows no signs of having a single bone in his body. Graziano picks Noodle up and sees if he can stand on his own—if he can’t, it’s a “no-bones” day; if he stands, it’s a bones day. Noodle’s loyal followers have started looking to the state of the pug’s bones as a report for how their day will go, and obviously, a bones day is the ideal outcome. A no-bones day, however, is rough news. In an interview with The Washington Post, Graziano explained, “A no-bones day is not a bad day. It’s not that you can’t accomplish things, but you need to make sure to take care of yourself. That’s what Noodle does.”
Now, before you come for me (I’m assuming Noodle stans are as deservedly as ferocious as even Swifties or Directioners), I would just like to note that I’m not here to bash Noodle. I’m simply pointing out that our collective reaction to the concept of no-bones day is exactly why we can’t have nice things. I’ve already heard “must be a no-bones day” mustered up as an excuse for technical difficulty on a Zoom call, and though I welcome any break from “Is Mercury in retrograde or something?” comments, I do worry for Noodle. I don’t want us to get sick of him, and he’s already flying dangerously close to the sun. Just a few days ago, John Bel Edwards, the Governor of Louisiana, co-opted “bones day” in an attempt to inspire residents to get vaccinated. Do you know what comes after that? If your answer was Fashion Nova referencing Noodle the pug in a promotional email subject line, you were correct.
— John Bel Edwards (@LouisianaGov) October 20, 2021
Unfortunately, the internet is full of people who spend most of their time working insufferable jobs, and love nothing more than a silly, snappy little quote to sum up how miserable they feel throughout the work week. Once they get their hands on a new one to throw around, it’s game over. It will be part of the vernacular until the day robots take over, rendering a human workforce obsolete. And it’s not just that people will be saying “sorry, I can’t, it’s a no-bones day!” until the end of time, it’s that we’re about to have people try to sell us all things that rip the concept off in any way imaginable. I’m sure as you’re reading this, some Etsy shop owner is already breaking their back trying to hand letter mugs with the phrase “It’s a no-bones day. I need coffee.” Femfetti already has a crew neck. Eventually, Rae Dunn will catch wind of it, and the shelves of every HomeGoods across the nation will be full of little desktop signs that allow you to indicate if it’s a bones day or not. I wouldn’t even be surprised if Noodle the pug graces our screens in at least one TV advertisement come Super Bowl Sunday. He just has that relatable, commercial quality that makes ad executives go absolutely nuts, like Mindy Kaling, Ryan Reynolds, and the guys from Queer Eye.
If you think I’m being dramatic, just think about how you felt the first time you saw a tweet noting that “the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.” It was pretty funny, right? And now, it’s just an eyeroll-inducing phrase that’s plastered all over candles, notebooks, and T-shirts. The human brain is clearly incapable of seeing something humorous, thinking “haha, nice,” and moving on.
In the spirit of saving the sanctity of Noodle, I vote we follow Twitter legend Dionne Warwick’s lead and “let the dog rest,” as she requested in an October 20 tweet. He deserves better than the overworked “HUMP DAYYY” Geico commercials treatment. Please, continue to excitedly search for Noodle’s bones report each morning, if it truly brings you joy. But please stop dragging this elderly dog into your attempt to be quirky while joking about your own unproductivity! Here are a few phrases that have already been beaten to death that you can use whenever you’d like.
- The Mondayest Monday that ever Mondayed.
- “What a week, huh?” “Lemon, it’s Wednesday.”
- No talkie before coffee.
- If Monday had a face, I would punch it.
- I thought about it, and I just do not think that being an adult is going to work out for me.
- Any variation on “adulting is hard!”
- Is it wine o’clock yet?
- Fresh out of fucks to give.
- Some basic joke about needing to take your bra off at the end of a long day.
Images: @jongraz / TikTok; LouisianaGov / Twitter