WTF Do We Do Now?: Weekly Horoscopes March 30th-April 3rd

Mars moves into Aquarius this week as we all move into the “I’m gonna get into embroidery” phase of our quarantine. How fitting. Despite the global pandemic, Mars in Aquarius is bringing some can-do energy to this “oh sh*t” world and leaving us a lot more optimistic about what is to come. Well, some of us. For like, one second. In the morning. Before we are hit with the crushing realization of what’s going on in the world. Anyway.


With Mars in Aquarius this week, you’ll be finding lots of new ways to connect, even while maintaining a six foot distance. In the days of quarantine, it seems like there’s a new virtual hangout app everywhere you turn, and this is the perfect week to download and try all of them. Then come back here and explain to me what Marco Polo is and how it is different from Snapchat.


Mars in Aquarius has turned you eager to start an exciting new project, but that’s kind of difficult considering the entire world is working from home right now. So why not channel your energy into helping those around you? Do a virtual charity drive, offer to run a grocery pickup for an at-risk person, or send care packages to doctors and nurses. There are plenty of ways to help out and all of them are a lot better than scheduling your 15th unnecessary Zoom meeting of the day.


You’re in the mood for a new adventure, Gemini. The challenge will be finding out how to do that from within the confines of your home. Now is the time for you to dive into a new hobby, whether it be something impressive like becoming a sous chef or something slightly less impressive like becoming a sous chef on The Sims. Anything that takes your mind off daily life will work fine.


Mars in Aquarius has you wanting to pull deep into your shell, which is actually kind of perfect given the circumstances. This is a week for deep introspection for you, Cancer, and luckily you can do it without all the distractions of having a “life” and “things” to “do.” Count it as a blessing, and for the love of God, don’t go live on Instagram until the soul-searching is through.


Good news for those Leos who are quarantining with a partner right now: things are about to get spicy for you and your Quarantine (like valentine, get it?). Which is helpful since you’re not getting much exercise in any other part of your life. For those lions not lucky enough to be shacked up with a significant other, you may see your nude production increase by 200% this week. Even if you just end up keeping all of them to yourself.


Will you be one of those psychos who gets fit during quarantine? The stars are aligned for it to be so. Mars in Aquarius has electrified your desire for healthy living, and while quarantine has made it 300% easier to snack all f*cking day, it’s also a whole lot easier to meal plan. It’s also a lot easier to make a fitness class when it takes place in your living room. Just sayin’…


You’re feeling flirty right now, Libra. The question is, how do you express that while maintaining a six foot distance from all other humans? The answer? Thirst traps. Lots of them. Fly free with the thirsty posts on Insta story this week, safe in the knowledge that it’ll all go away within 24 hours. And if someone chooses to screenshot your sexiness, that’s on them.


Mars in Aquarius is really putting the “shelter” in “shelter in place” for you this week, Scorpio. Now is the time to set yourself up for domestic bliss, especially since that’s the only kind of bliss we’ll be allowed for the next month. Take time to get your quarantine quarters exactly how you want them. That way it’ll almost be like you’re staying inside all day by choice.


The effects of social distancing might be hitting you particularly hard this week, Sagittarius, so why not get some Zoom hangouts on the books now? From Zoom happy hours to Zoom game nights to Zoom karaoke, the whole world is your oyster when you download Zoom! (This post not sponsored by Zoom.)


Your steady grounded energy is kind of needed right now, Capricorn, so don’t be surprised if this week you’re called upon to be a stabilizing force for loved ones in your life. Keep in mind that the stuff that may come natural to you (putting on real clothes every day, making your bed, note looking at your phone every second) might be literally revolutionary advice to someone else. You can’t help that you have your sh*t together.


With Mars in your sign, there’s nothing you can’t do! Except go outside. Don’t do that. Mars is bringing a ton of enthusiasm into your sign right now, so it’ll be up to you to figure out where to direct your energy. There’s no right or wrong answer, just know that whatever you choose will become your complete obsession until whenever the f*ck we’re allowed to go to the bar again.


Your only mission this week is to recharge, Pisces. The emotional drain of a global pandemic has taken its toll, and this week it is time for you to scale it way, way back. No, you are not available to spend three hours every night convincing your mom you can’t come home. No, you do not need to spend every morning reading articles about what will happen if everyone on Earth dies. Take some time for yourself this week and resume the panic another day.

Images: Anthony Tran / Unsplash; Giphy (10)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.