It’s wedding season, and we here at Betches have expresse several strong opinions regarding trends in wedding themes, favors, and engagement photos that we believe should, for lack of a better word, die. Basically, we’re running an internal competition to see how many comments we can get about how we’re “ungrateful” for being invited to weddings and that “we shouldn’t judge people” etc… from people who are clearly confused about the point of this site (being ungrateful and judging people). First of all, if you’re having a giant wedding, you’re BEGGING to be judged. You’re literally putting your life and love on display for 300+ people, and you’re damn right I’m going to judge it. Yah, I appreciate being invited but only if the food and music are good … if they’re not, god help you.
Next on our list of
unsolicited very good wedding advice is the décor, aka, “the reason Pinterest exists.” Here’s a list—not comprehensive because we could be here for days—of wedding décor I better never, ever see again. Some of it was cute and perfect five years ago, but its time has passed and we all need to move on for the good of the species.
We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again. Burlap had its time in the wedding world—namely, right around when Pinterest started distracting us. But that time has passed. Come on, anything that can double (and was intended) for legitimate farm usage doesn’t belong at your wedding. Not on your tables, not as a runner, not as a bow, and for fuck’s sake, not on any person in the wedding party.
2. Mason Jars
Stop. Enough. Mason jars are used for canning and stacking cute desserts in, not to hold flowers/candles/sparklers/water lilies/pictures … what the fuck ever. Again, these had their time thanks to Pinterest, but they need to go the way of burlap and other rustic wedding shit and die.
3. Disco Balls
Sorry I even needed to type this one. Unfortunately, some DJs and bands bring décor, and if they bring a disco ball, hang on to your butts, cause this wedding is about to get real trashy real fast. Anything that came into existence in an era of ALL the cocaine, white tuxes, and enough hairspray to kill a puppy doesn’t belong at your wedding.
4. Large Framed Portraits Of Yourself
Stop it. This isn’t your version of My Super Sweet 16; this is your wedding day. Have a little class. I understand that you spent top dollar on your engagement photos and want to show everyone that you def have a future in modeling if you don’t get fat in the next month, but, honestly, relax. This isn’t an exhibition.
5. Camo Anything
I’m upset that I even need to list this shit, but here we go. Once you go below the Mason-Dixon line or into the far realms of Pennsy-tucky, be prepared to see camo worked into weddings. I’ve seen it (via Pinterest … I wouldn’t be caught dead at any wedding for human beings who believe integrating hunting attire into a celebration of love is okay) on cakes, on dresses, entwined on Mason jars, on hats resting upon groomsmen—the list goes on. Please, keep camo where it belongs: in the dark recesses of America where cable probs doesn’t reach and on the backs of soldiers.
Yes. People use fish in fish bowls as fucking centerpieces. First of all, where did you get all the fish? Who set them up? And what happens when cousin Will gets drunk again and tries to get the fish drunk? Rude. Who takes the fish home? So, you see where I’m going with this. Please don’t integrate living creatures into a celebration where 99% of people will be too drunk to care for even themselves.
7. Fake Flowers
Yikes. I understand that the real thing can be expensive, but if you have any money for décor, don’t waste it on silk flowers. It’s super rare that they can look realistic, let alone decent. Get creative with other shit like dried flowers, eucalyptus, etc. before you go trudging through Michael’s aisles and aisles of silk nightmares.
Don’t make these mistakes. Or do. I guess it’s your wedding. Just know I will subtweet the shit out of you if you do.