Welcome to another installment of Online Dating and Fellating, where you share with the world your funniest and most horrific. Today we hear from a reader whose vagina smell brings all the boys to the yard.
Ok so here are some messages I received in the wonderful world of online dating OkCupid style…
“U are cute, but so shy and scared at the same time…”
Call Kenny Loggins, because we’re about to enter the danger zone, aka a gauntlet of terrible online pickup artist bullshit. Welcome to the world of canned messages that have been received by every single woman in the last five years because hi, I’m a guy on a dating website and I have no idea what I’m doing. This guy didn’t even try. Nice fucking assessment, Freud. Is she also “playful, but with a serious side as well”? Go fist yourself.
“Hey I'm luring hotties to my house with candy this weekend. What do you prefer, skittles or m&ms?”
“LOL guys, she’ll think it’s funny and endearing if I say something so obviously creepy that it can’t be, right? Guys?”
“I deeply regret that it is my unfortunate duty to bring it to your attention that you are above and beyond out maximum standards for looks. You are clearly a 9/10 and here on OKC we only allow 6/10 maximum.
Your account will be CLOSED unless you reply to this message with your name, phone number, your favorite flower, how many Cheetos you can fit into your mouth at once (just curious) and if you prefer Chinese or Italian cuisine. This is very serious business and I would advise you not to take my message lightly or you might anger my boss.”
Oh, fuck this guy right in his fucking face. There is nothing more pathetic than a guy who makes an attempt to be clever and then crashes and burns like the Hindenburg. “Haha, look how funny I am, I’m asking how many Cheetos she can fit in her mouth!” Realistically, he’s probably sizing up what size ball-gag he’ll need when he stuffs you in his trunk. At least we can all rest easy knowing that you’re obviously the only woman to ever receive this.
Rather than going the pickup artist route, some guys try….. alternative methods. Ready to make shit weird? Let’s make shit weird.
“I know you probably don’t understand a word im sayin, but i gotta tell you…you’re the most beautiful woman i’ve ever seen in my life. And I’d like to strip you down and butter you like a slice of wonderbread, and shave your armpits, and pour honey all over your naked body. And for the next two weeks pretend I was a..hungry bear”
I smell bullshit. One, a bear would never shave someone’s armpits, because hair is a valuable source of beta keratin. Two, there’s no way on earth it would take a hungry bear two weeks to consume a buttered and honeyed human. Maybe two days, TOPS. Maybe do some fact-checking nextime and she’ll change her mind.
“Your eyes aren’t playing tricks on you. Vanilla Thunda has spoken and you have been selected. Respond for additional instructions from Vanilla Thunda.”
Um, Vanilla Thunda (or VT, as his friends call him) is actually a pretty chill dude, provided you follow his instructions to the letter. Did you respond? Did you receive his instructions? VT doesn’t like it when you ignore his instructions. I’ve seen him do things I’d rather not describe here.
“What does your pussy smell like?”
An honest question from what I’m sure is a standup guy. Maybe he’s never smelled a vagina before and thinks he does, but wants confirmation. Maybe he’s awash in a sea of vaginas and wants to know which one is yours. Either way, you should answer him. 10/10, would definitely go gay for.