As you all know, this Sunday is Father’s Day, aka the day we give thanks to the man who bankrolled our entire lives and then made us pay him back in yard work. If you forgot it was Father’s Day, you still have time to hit the mall and get your pops a tie. Pick a nice striped pattern in an earth tone. Treat him right!
In the Kardashian family, I imagine that Father’s Day is a little more complicated, considering many of the men who have reproduced with our favorite monotone ladies are the human equivalent of the scraps of food you throw your dog. Money, fame, and an ass full of silicone can’t even get you a good man these days, am I right? Now, I hate to make sweeping generalizations and say that the Kardashian dads are all terrible. They’re obviously varying degrees of terrible. So, in honor of the holiday, I present you with the official ranking of the worst Kardashian dads, from the best (relatively speaking) to I’m calling the cops.
1. Robert Kardashian, Sr.
The argument could be made that if not for Robert Sr., then the Kardashians wouldn’t exist, so it’s his fault for sending this plague upon us. But Robert knew not what he did. How could anyone have foreseen the sex tape that would launch a billion-dollar empire? Plus he’s too dead to be a bad dad now, so here he lands in the best spot. And may he rest in peace never knowing what his children have become.
2. Travis Scott
If we’re being honest, I have no fucking clue who Travis Scott is. I don’t know enough to say whether he’s a good or bad dad, but he did knock up a super famous 20-year-old, so I can certainly say he’s irresponsible. But hey, I’m sure he loves his gravy train kid!
3. Kanye West
Kanye is problematic. On the one hand, he’s talented and successful and clearly loves Kim and his children South, Sinner, and Boston. On the other hand, he says things like “slavery was a choice” and designs glorified spandex suits that his wife wears. He’s lucky he’s related by marriage to some really shitty dudes or he’d be way lower on this list.
4. Scott Disick
Scott Disick is the longest lasting Kardashian daddy, which gives us lots of blackmail material to work with. I wonder what will give his kids the biggest complex? The fact that their potential new stepmom could also be their adoptive sister? Or maybe that time when he flew a girl out to their FAMILY VACATION to have sex with? Or could it be the time Kourtney announced she was pregnant on live TV and he went on a three-day bender? Who can say! There’s a little something for everyone in there. Therapists, the line to treat the Disick/Kardashians starts around the corner. Thx!
5. Caitlyn Jenner
Caitlyn Jenner started out as a pretty okay dad. At one point she had a close relationship with the girls and even walked both Khloé and Kim down the aisle. Neither of those marriages worked out, but hey, I’m sure Caitlyn wasn’t a jinx or anything. Purely coincidental! Recently though, Caitlyn has straight-up sucked. She stirred up drama by talking about the family in her memoir, much of which the Kardashians claimed was false. And more recently, she couldn’t even be bothered to go to her own son Brody Jenner’s wedding, basically calling him up with the age-old excuse, “Sorry, I have to wash my hair!”
6. Tristan Thompson
Not only did Tristan commit the ultimate sin of moving Khloé to Cleveland, which is the closest to hell a girl from Calabasas can get, but he could not manage to keep it in his pants for the full nine months that his girlfriend was pregnant. A few days before Khloé gave birth, TMZ released footage of Tristan cheating on her with multiple women in a public club in October, and The Shade Room posted recent pictures of Tristan at PH-D getting real cozy with someone who was decidedly NOT Khloé. So, at the time during a pregnancy when most dads are putting together cribs and massaging their lady’s bloated feet, he was leaving the club with an Instagram model at 5am. In Jersey that’s grounds for murder. Khloé decided to stay with Tristan, and then he couldn’t even win a little thing called the NBA finals. God, what a loser.
7. Rob Kardashian
And here we have arrived at the worst Kar-dad-ian, Rob! Despite the fact that Rob Kardashian gained a bunch of weight, became a recluse, and is the owner of a sock company his mommy bought him, he was still able to convince Blac Chyna to have unprotected sex with him. What do you get when you have unprotected sex, folks? A baby! I swear, the public education system has failed so many.
Rob and Chyna named their adorable little accident Dream. And they lived happily ever after. Kidding! And they lived contentiously ever after, because last summer Rob went on a crazy rampage where he posted revenge porn of Chyna all over his Instagram page. FYI, revenge porn is illegal in California, in case you were thinking of trying it. He also accused her of buying drugs, having plastic surgery, and said things like “This is a pic Chyna just sent me before she fucked another man in her house with my baby in the house and her son in the house.” Rob better start sewing those socks until his fingers hurt, because Dream’s therapy bills are going to be very high, and tbh they should start her very early.
And that’s where we land on the worst Kardashian dads. And oh yes, I forgot to say Happy Father’s Day to all of them! I hope Tristan can take a moment out of his busy schedule of motorboating models’ breasts on camera long enough for his family to celebrate him.
Images: Giphy (4)