Is This The Worst Hookup Disaster In History? Ask A Pro

Head Pro would never make you suffer the indignity of being turned down for a blowjob. Email him your most pressing questions (dating or otherwise) to [email protected]. For the same Head Pro advice with less public humiliation, buy our second book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies.

Dear Head Pro,

Long story short I got absolutely obliterated and started talking to a guy I barely knew in the club. This talking turned into dancing, and then somehow I went full prostitute on him and started sucking his face (not even kissing) front and centre in the middle of the fuckin club.

Brought him home. He started initiating sex and I told him we couldn’t have sex b/c I was on my period (why the fuck did I bring him home). We spent the rest of the night talking. I found out he was a virgin, so I OFFERED TO SUCK HIS DICK (b/c he looked really embarrassed and I felt bad but seriously wtf), which he then POLITELY DECLINED.

We talked a bit more, for whatever reason I told him about a recent past hookup with a guy he knows (FUCK ME). End of story, we fell asleep, talked a bit in the morning then he left.

He’s a nice guy and always says hi to me, but that’s just the way he is. I’ve heard he’s lost his virginity and since been racking up girls but apparently tells all his friends he really wants a girlfriend. He has gorgeous girls around him all the time b/c he is insanely nice and funny. What’s sad is for whatever reason I cannot stop thinking about this kid. He is the first guy I have liked in a long time and I barely know him, and I feel like I ruined any chance I ever had with him.

Two things I need from this:

1) How do I fix things so that I could potentially maybe have another shot with this guy? Like do I apologize for publicly humiliating both of us?
2) If I’ve ruined everything and this will never happen again, how do I get over someone I was never even with?

This is my rock bottom please help me get back up. Thank you and pray that I wake up tomorrow a little less of a loser.


Dear Loser,

2) Just keep offering to slob knobs until someone takes you up on it.

(But seriously, you just want what you can’t have, and to make things worse he’s now flaunting his awesomeness. Continue to delete him from your digital life and get on with it)

Losing his virginity riding the crimson wave would have been worth it for the story,

Head Pro

Hello Head Pro!

I’ve been seeing a guy for a couple of months, everything seems pretty good. We’re not in a relationship because it’s too soon for him, but I’m alright waiting as I don’t want to dive in too soon either.

Anyway, I’ve noticed lately that he’s not too interested in my feelings or emotional stuff…hard to explain. For example, if I text him saying I’m feeling a bit low or having a bad day, he won’t respond for hours (but he will have been online, Whatsapp: destroying women’s sanity since god knows when!) and when he does respond it will be about something else. I’m not expecting him to shower me with adoration or anything, but it’s not hard to say something short and sweet, is it?

So the way he’s acting is making me feel like I’m being lead on or that he isn’t that into me as a person and it’s making me feel worse. It’s a vicious cycle! I have asked him if he’s interested in a relationship with me down the line and if he’s into me for me and not just sex and on both counts he’s said yes and seemed pretty genuine, so I’m not sure what’s going on.

Anxious and Hating Double Blue Ticks

Dear Why Denigrate The Blue Tick, The Noblest Of Tick Species?,

Fuck me, I WISH I had the balls some of these dudes have. In past situations where girls asked me if I was interested in a relationship, I’d just be like “nah, I’m good.” That would be it, and I’d just find someplace else to get my pencil wet. But if I knew I could just give a noncommittal “sure,” like my boss was asking me for help on a project I had no intention of doing, and girls would STILL sleep with me? Goddamn. I gotta keep this in mind.

Anywhere, there’s your problem. The phrase “I could see a relationship with you, but I’m not ready for one right now” is HORSESHIT. It’s a longer way of saying “I’m only doing this because you let me have sex with you.” I’m not saying it’s not real if you don’t get engaged on the third date, or that “are we/aren’t we” situations aren’t common, but typically if people like each other, and they like having sex with each other, they don’t waste much time making some kind of commitment, however small.

Basically, he doesn’t ask about your feelings because he doesn’t care, because he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend. Whether you genuinely aren’t “ready” for a relationship yet or are deluding yourself is actually kind of immaterial at this point.

I don’t know what Whatsapp is,

Head Pro

Head Pro would never make you suffer the indignity of being turned down for a blowjob. Email him your most pressing questions (dating or otherwise) to [email protected]. For the same Head Pro advice with less public humiliation, buy our second book, I Had A Nice Time And Other Lies.