So I think it’s safe to say that 2017 has been a rough fucking ride for everyone, amiright? And by “rough fucking ride” I mean literally batshit crazy. Like, that time we elected a president whose idea of a good time is
drunk texting his ex tweeting insults at foreign leaders who definitely have weapons of mass destruction at their disposal. *smiles through the pain* Or that time we made Nick Viall the next Bachelor and then followed that decision up by making an irrelevant nobody who bangs sorority girls in his spare time Arie the Bachelor after that. Really tough times, my friends. That said, nothing was more batshit this year than when people tried to start a beauty trend. I mean, glitter butts? Fucking rainbow roots? Tbh these weren’t even really the worst of it. And if you’re reading this and thinking you absolutely tried to pull off one of these looks at one point or another in 2017, then congratulations, you’ve made it to my burn book. It’s really a coveted place in my heart. Now prepare to be skewered for it. So here are the worst beauty trends of 2017 (and let’s all pray none of these people fuck up 2018 for us).
1. PIMPLE NAIL ART
First of all, I AM CALLING THE DAMN POLICE on every single one of you bitches who brought this shit to my Instagram news feed by making puss-filled nails a viral fucking phenomenon. It matters not that you didn’t try this trend out for yourself, just that you viewed and/or liked this hate crime of a video. You know what you did, stand by that. Now I have to somehow explain to my future children that you can do anything if you put your mind to it, even spending 12 hours of your life trying to recreate a pimple popper video on your nail bed.
2. SNOGGED LIPS
Ah, and how could we forget the trend that was inspired my walks of shame and reinforced by
people who have clearly never been inside of a frat house at 9am on a Saturday designers at Fashion Week? Seriously, if I wanted to walk around looking like a baby prostitute, I’d break out my Kappa Sig semi formal dress from sophomore year. Yeah, it’s gonna be a no from me.
3. ANYTHING PEOPLE DID TO THEIR EYEBROWS EVER
This year we had to cancel eyebrows, because what was once sacred has now been tainted by the garbage people of Instagram who will do literally anything for a fucking like. And if you don’t believe me then let’s look at the damning evidence, shall we?
Lord Jesus, fix it. If I wasn’t already worried that the end of the world was about to come in the form of a Twitter war between a dotard and a Mr. Short and Fat, then I certainly am now.
Exhibit B: Feather Brows
Sorry, I just slipped into a rage blackout for a minute there. I’m back now. If I had known that 2017 would be the year that people started parting their eyebrows the same way I parted my hair in middle school, then I would have deleted my Instagram account January 1. Just saying.
Exhibit C: Barbed Wire Eyebrows
Yeah, that’s what I thought. Instagram is full of trash humans who can’t be trusted with beauty trends, and now we can’t have nice
things EYEBROWS. Let’s now have a moment of silence for all those who were led astray by 15-year olds with a vlog beauty influencers and ruined the sanctity of eyebrows for everyone.
4. CONDOM BEAUTY BLENDERS
That’s right, people. Someone, somewhere, thought it would be cool/trendy/worth public humiliation for an Instagram like to blend their face makeup with A FUCKING CONDOM. I shouldn’t have to say this, but since apparently none of you can be trusted to even blend your makeup the right way, then I guess I have to. Condoms should be used for one thing, and one thing only, and that thing is for
after your Bumble date with the guy who “accidentally” missed the last train to Jersey sex. THAT’S IT. Anything else and I will call the fucking police on you, because that is a damn crime.
^^Lexy is not wrong. #ImWithHer
5. TATTOOED FRECKLES
I’m still not entirely convinced that this trend wasn’t just an elaborate prank the world pulled on Lindsay Lohan to make her feel like shit for spending the last of her Mean Girls earnings on getting her freckles removed, but okay. Tattooed freckles started to become a thing at the beginning of 2017, because I guess people like shelling out hundreds of dollars to look like their blackheads are out of control? Whatever. To each their own. Tbh this whole trend is just another reason why you shouldn’t
move to Bushwick buy into hipster nonsense. Seriously, don’t do it.