As we all know, wine is an essential part of the betchy food pyramid. The only problem with wine is, it’s pretty much as easy to understand as the “K” text you got from your SAB Saturday night. Like, sure, you can probably narrow your preferences down to red or white, but after that it’s a bigger mystery than multivariable calc. Going to a wine store can feel as confusing and disorienting as the time you got your wisdom teeth out, so you end up wandering aimlessly down the wine aisle in the grocery store and end up picking out the cheapest bottle of Moscato, which you immediately wake up regretting the next morning when your head feels like it’s about to split open. Right?
You could spend an hour googling wines before spending upwards of $15 on something you’re not even sure you’ll like, anyway, or you could sign up for Club W and have them do all the searching for you. It’s super easy and you can do it all online, so like, during that “very important” company meeting.
First, you sign up for an account–pretty standard stuff. Extra bonus, you can sign up with your Facebook or Google + account because I know you’re all too lazy to do anything more than click a button. Also, now you can actually use your Google + account for something, hooray.
Once you sign up, Club W has you fill out a palate profile–don’t worry, you still don’t have to know anything about wine. It asks you basic questions like how you like your coffee (iced isn’t an answer, sadly), how salty you are (aka how much salt you put on shit), if you like citrus, stuff like that. From there, Club W hand-picks a bunch of wines for you. It’s basically like your own personal sommelier, except not snooty or French, and Club W won’t judge you for going for the less expensive stuff since most of the bottles are $13.
I filled out my profile and chose the Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy because of the Hey Arnold reference and also because it sounded good and the label was pretty; the BFG Barbera because I’d never heard of Barbera before and wanted to try it; and the Pregame Red Blend because it was called the Pregame blend so I obv had to.
Clearly you can tell that I chose my wines based on only the strictest standards for quality and taste, but if you don’t have the same discerning palate as I do, each wine comes with a video that describes its taste and food pairings. And they even have recipes that you can make to go with each bottle so you can become a regular Betchy Crocker. You’ll be like, the fanciest betch at the dinner party.
Anywho, my wine shipped pretty quickly (like within two days) and I got it within another two days. True story: when I went to pick up my package the lady working at the leasing office asked me how the Club W wine is since apparently a lot of people order it, so if you won’t take my word for it you can just ask all the other residents of my apartment complex. I would review all the wines I got but I think we already established that I am not the most knowledgeable when it comes to fermented grapes. All you need to know is I and my besties loved them all, and I’ve already got my next month’s supply picked out. It’s gonna be Good Morning Sunshine Verdelho, Thorn Blossom Orange Muscat, and Un Paso Mais Red Blend, in case anybody’s wondering. I can’t effing wait.
One quick note about that: Club W will send you 3 bottles of wine every month based on your preferences (which you can update at any time BTW), so you never have to think about going to buy alc again. What’s betchier than that? I thought about it, and couldn’t come up with anything. But if like you’re moving or going on a cleanse or whatev, you can pause at any time, and they’re like super chill about it.
So if you’re throwing a party next weekend and want to step it up from Franzia (so like, all of you I hope), or if you’re going to meet your bf’s parents and don’t want to show up with some lame grocery store bottle, sign up for Club W like, now. I can guarantee you won’t regret it, even if I can’t guarantee you won’t regret the choices you make after drinking all three bottles in one night.
And as an extra special treat, we’re giving our readers a bottle on the house. Just click this link –> Club W and there you go. Free wine. I know, I just made your day, you can thank me in the comments.