Why Won’t The Guy I Hook Up With From Across The Hall Commit? Ask A Pro

Dear head pro,

Cut to the chase. My bf has this favorite shirt I have a habit of wearing to sleep. I took it with me on a trip and somewhere between checking out of the hotel and getting home, I lost it. I've called the hotel, rental car place etc and its nowhere to be found. The shirt kind of held a lot of sentimental value to my guy and I feel like shit for losing it.

Do I just tell him I lost it, or do I get my friend who had a knack for graphic design to recreate the artwork and get a replacement made? How observant are guys anyway ?

How pissed would you be ?

F'ed up and don't want to fess up

Dear F'ed up and don't want to fess up,

If this is supposedly your boyfriend’s “favorite shirt,” how on earth do you get away with not only sleeping in it on a regular basis, but absconding with it for a vacation? Also, who has a “favorite shirt” that also doubles as appropriate sleeping material? Is your boyfriend actually a 12 year old girl? Because if that’s the case, you might consider lying and telling him/her that she simply outgrew the shirt, and then launch into a long talk about what kind of changes he/she can expect to see in his/her body in the coming months.

It’s true though that guys, probably more so than girls, hold onto random articles of clothing well beyond their expiration date. I have a tee shirt I got from a wrestling camp I attended in high school, and it’s only held together by a few stray threads and a lot of goodwill. And yet, I still have it. Why? No clue. It’s just one of those things we do where we look at it and say “well, I don’t have a GOOD reason to throw it away, so why not keep it?” The other thing guys like is seeing girls wearing our stuff. It’s sexy, and it’s an easy way to tell us that you’re “ours.” I think Keith Urban wrote a song about it, so you know it’s legit.

As you’ve noticed, problems arise when sentimental articles of clothing cross paths with women’s desire to wear clothes that do not belong to them. Trying to reproduce the shirt is a bad idea, because that would be insulting. Sure, we may not notice insignificant shit like how your earrings match your shirt, but I think we’re observant enough to know when a shirt you claim to be ours is not actually the same shirt.

Replicating the pattern isn’t enough, as people have been known to actually wear shirts from time to time. The difference in feel and fit would be noticeable instantly. Just suck it up and tell him you lost it. He won’t be happy, but he should totally forget about it in a matter of days because, again, it’s a fucking shirt we’re talking about.

How pissed would I be? Probably not very, but I’d pretend to be SUPER pissed in order to extort you for favors, both sexual and non-sexual.

Laundered Kisses,

Head Pro


Dear Head Pro,

I live in an apartment across a walkway from a soon-to-be pro. He and I are friends and we even have a brief sexual history. We first met in September and liked each other enough to fool around for a few weeks. Once October rolled around we got to talking and he told me he “likes me but doesn't want a girlfriend right now because of graduation”. He still asks me to spend the night at his house (at least 3 or 4 nights a week), occasionally kisses me in bed, and definitely still flirts with me. It feels like he still has feelings for me, but is being a little bitch and won't commit. Does he simply not want a girlfriend and I'm being strung along or are what's left of my romantic feelings for him misleading me? If it turns out that he like sleeping with me because I'm a girl and not because I'm me, how can I draw some boundaries?

Apartment Girl

Dear Delusional Apartment Girl,

Man, I love emails like this. I mean, if he “occasionally” kisses you in bed, I think it’s pretty clear that cupid has spoken because he’s obviously in love with you. Only your soul mate would be so cavalier about using kisses, nature’s most precious resource, “occasionally.”

When, if ever, has the phrase “It feels like he still has feelings for me, but is being a little bitch and won't commit” made any sense, or been even remotely true? Are you honestly so deluded that you’ve convinced yourself of this? Imagine if one of your friends came to you with a similar story: Met a guy, fooled around a little, got brushed off, yet still continues to sleep with him at his behest. Would your response to that news be “Emily, he has feelings for you, he’s just not man enough to admit it?” God, I would hope not, and if so Emily needs to find some new fucking friends.

Here’s a hint: When a guy uses the “I don’t want a girlfriend right now because of [insert bullshit reason,” it’s not a statement. It’s a litmus test. He’s saying that he has no interest in really dating you specifically,  so he’s giving you this information and waiting to see how you handle it. If you walk away, that’s fine. You both knew what you wanted and refused to back down. But, if as with your situation, you continue with whatever it is you were doing, why turn that down? It’s free sex, with no obligation! He put his cards on the table, and you chose to ignore the message. If the results leave you with a bad taste in your mouth (the taste of skeet, for instance), it’s nobody’s fault but your own.

If you want to draw some boundaries, you could, I don’t know, maybe stop sleeping with him? Move?

Intramural Kisses,

Head Pro


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