Why I Spent Nearly $2,000 To Try To Have My First Orgasm

I had my first orgasm when I was 28, at least a decade later than I would have liked. I was blissfully unaware of orgasms as an adolescent, but when I got to college, suddenly it felt like people were coming left and right. I was like, “Hey guys, wait up!”

When I had my first sexual experiences in college, whenever someone would try to touch my vagina, I would say, “Whoa, why are you trying to kill a good time?” and instinctively shoo them away. I slowly realized that I was not comfortable with anything going anywhere near my vagina. I went to the gynecologist, and it turned out I had something called vaginismus, a condition that causes your vaginal muscles to spasm upon penetration. When she diagnosed me, I thought, “Well, this checks out!”

I eventually treated my vaginismus using vaginal dilators, which are like a set of Russian dolls for your vagina, except they are neither cute nor fun, but I still had a long way to go before having an orgasm. I had yet to even locate my own clitoris. Finally, a man put a finger on it, and I shouted, “that’s something!” but it was so ticklish and intense that I would be flailing all over the bed like a balloon man at a car dealership. I then decided to try masturbating, and at the age of 25, I turned on porn for the first time. Though what I would do is watch it, get really aroused, and not touch myself, letting the feeling pass. I still had so much discomfort with my body that I had yet to unpack.

Eventually, I was starting to get really frustrated so I began a serious “take-action” phase. I wanted to come, and I became increasingly pissed that I hadn’t. I was ready to drop some serious dollars to experience this abstract, apparently transcendent sensation. As the saying goes, “There’s no such thing as a free orgasm.” I’m here to confirm that: coming ended up costing me nearly $2,000. I present to you: an itemized receipt for my first orgasm.

Rocket Vibe ($35) 


Pocket Rocket Vibrator

I’m 22, still not super concerned that I haven’t come yet. At this point, the solution seems as simple as buying a vibrator, any vibrator. I go to Good Vibrations in Boston with some friends, giggle a lot, and buy a vibrator that looks sleek and modern because aesthetics are important to me. My friend says, confidently, “You’ll come with this.” I go home, excited to have my first orgasm. I’m about to cross over to the other side! But, no orgasm. Like, not even close.

Jimmyjane ($149)

Jimmy Jane Form 2

Jimmyjane Form 2 Rechargeable Vibrator

I’m 24, in a relationship, and starting to get frustrated. I storm back into Good Vibrations, grab one off the shelf that a different friend swears by (“YOU NEED THE JIMMYJANE”), and buy it without hesitation. Also, apparently a $149 purchase earns you three frequent buyer cards worth of stamps, which took the cashier 5 minutes to fill out. I take it home and… wow! I feel a lot of sensations! But they are not an orgasm!

8 Sessions With A Sex Therapist ($160*)

I’m 25 and extremely frustrated. I decide to start seeing a sex therapist, thinking she would put me on the how-to-orgasm fast track. Instead, she wants to unpack my fantasies, which I really didn’t want to share. She helped me realize that I had a lot of shame about my fantasies because they didn’t feel feminist to me. Turns out being a feminist submissive can be a real mindf*ck. Still no orgasm, but I learned that the problem was with both my body and mind. Score!
*It would have been more expensive, but I was still on my parents’ insurance

Writing A Comedy Show About It ($1,273*)

I’m 28, desperate, and there’s only one thing left to do. Say it with me: write a comedy show. I wrote all of my frustration into a show called Molly Brenner Is Not Coming. I think part of me believed that writing the show would help me come. If I put my struggle out into the world, I MUST come, right? I never read The Secret, but I think that’s the idea. Well, I didn’t come. But as I began performing the show, it got me talking to a lot more women about how I hadn’t come, and…

LELO Mona 2 ($169)


LELO Mona 2

One audience member confidently declared, “You need a new vibrator!” So, living in New York now, still 28, and being extremely trusting of people’s advice, I march into the gift shop at the Museum of Sex, corner an employee and say, “I’ve never come. Fix me.” They pick up a long blue vibrator that makes a “come hither” motion and say, “This makes me come buckets.” I try it, convinced this is the one. I mean, I can’t believe I haven’t tried an internal vibrator yet! I’m such an idiot! I use it and… no buckets. Not even a droplet.

Weed Mint And My Hand ($0) 

Meg Ryan

I’m an older, wiser 28, and I remember something that a different audience member had suggested: weed. Ever heard of it? I’ve never liked smoking weed, but then I tried, well, sucking weed. I was offered something called a “weed mint.” I wasn’t planning to masturbate that night, but apparently weed mints make me really horny. So, I started masturbating, not really expecting anything, but out of nowhere, a feeling I’d never felt before came over my body. It felt like an electric current emanating from my clitoris. I thought, “Oh my God! This is it! I’m having an orgasm!

In total, I spent $1,786 on my first orgasm. Was it a worthwhile investment? Yes and no. On one hand, it makes me really angry that coming was just so hard—and expensive. I know that not everyone is able to spend that much on coming, and I hope no one else does. On the other hand, I believe that every step along the way was part of my orgasm fairytale. If I hadn’t reached the peak of frustration, I wouldn’t have written my show, then I wouldn’t have talked to the woman who told me to try weed, and then I wouldn’t have accepted the weed mint when it was offered to me. A traditional fairytale.

Funds have fully vested and amortization is on schedule. Unrelated, but I know nothing about finance. Who cares, though, because now I perform a show called I’m Coming—and this one has a happy ending.

Molly Brenner is a comedian who has performed at UCB, the PIT, Q.E.D., and other venues. Her show, I’m Coming, runs February 21-24 at the Tank Theater in NYC. Tickets and info available here.

Images: Giphy (3); Good Vibes (2); LELO; Molly Brenner

Molly Brenner
Molly Brenner
"I'm Coming" is about Molly's first orgasm... which she experienced at the tender age of 28. Her show is an intimate, sex and body-positive take on female pleasure (with a happy ending!), in which she chronicles how an ongoing medical condition led her to believe that pleasurable sex was simply not possible. Molly's frank discussion of her own sexual pratfalls and victories is smart, hilarious, and relatable as all hell. Molly previously performed this show in October, and also performed a version of the show “Molly Brenner Is Not Coming,” at the Out of Bounds Comedy Festival in Austin. Based in Brooklyn, Molly is also the creator of the web series "Human Resources," and has performed standup at UCB, the PIT, Q.E.D, among others. She performs a monthly with BoogieManja Sketch Comedy, as well as at the Physically Bold Comedy Show.