Apparently my porn post got you ladies all hot and bothered thinking about sex stuff, which is something I wish I had known a long time ago. Between the comments on that article and my inbox, it seems that many of you have set their sites on the next frontier of quasi-legal sex work – strip clubs. Take this email, for example:
Dear Head Pro,
I just read your hilariously accurate Propinion on Pros and Porn. I am totally fine with my boyfriend of 2 years watching porn and have never had a problem with it. However, this weekend he went to a strip club with his friend. He asked me prior if he could go, and I said absolutely, but we made it very clear that any physical interaction or private time with a stripper was quite frankly, just scummy and disgusting. The following evening, he told me all about his wonderful encounter with the stripper. He felt her up, and got a private room with her and I am so disgusted. Is this normal?
Should I just get over it? I've been acting pretty cool about the whole thing, and pretending like it doesn't bother me, but something just isn't sitting well with me. Watching porn is one thing, but being in a room with a live girl with real boobs and a real butt? I'm not so sure that's okay. Everything else about our relationship is so good. There are rarely any issues and he's my best friend in the whole entire world. Sex life has been nothing short of incredible (a mutual feeling), and I just don't really know how to react to this. I'm feeling very insecure and I can't stop replaying the image of him with a naked girl dancing on top of him.
Please help! You're the only person I trust.
Let’s get the obvious out of the way – one, she is correct in that I'm the only person worth trusting. Two, this guy is a moron. Not because he went ahead and did what she asked him not to do, but because he fucking told her about it. A tip for anyone, guy or girl – if you wind up doing something you shouldn’t but doesn’t cause irreparable harm to your relationship, keep your damn mouth shut. Guilt is an inherently selfish emotion. When you tell your girlfriend about how you had a stripper’s tits in your face, the only person that feels better about it is you.
Anyway, the sentiment expressed in that email was echoed by an informal poll I took earlier this week. Basically, look but don’t touch. This might surprise you, but I don’t have much of a problem with that. Truth be told, I’m really not the best person to ask about strippers and their clubs. They’ve just never done it for me. I’ve been to them and it’s fine, but it seems to me a very expensive way to see some snatch that I could otherwise find for free on the internet (or, y’know, a real person).
Some dipshit commented on the porn article saying that she didn’t want her boyfriend watching porn because of all of the involved negative externalities (drug addiction, coercion, etc.), which is stupid. It’s a nice idea, but if you reduced yourself to subsisting only on socially and ethically responsible consumables, you’d wind up living in a dirt-floor hut eating berries you picked on the side of the road. I think, though, that’s part of why I don’t get off on strip clubs. It’s one thing to enjoy a porn video, but it’s another thing to get up close and personal with human manifestations of the sex trade’s realities. I don’t need really need or want to see how the sausage gets made.
That said, I’d be lying if I said your first time in a strip club wasn’t an experience. It’s a spectacle, and one that’s definitely enjoyable provided you’re in the right place with the right people. Sure, there’s nudity, but the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. It’s why good strip clubs go out of their way to cultivate that luxurious and opulent ambiance. Far from the seedy shitholes you likely think of when you imagine a strip club, many of them now offer things like gourmet food, cigars, high-end bottle service, etc. They’re in the business of selling an experience that makes you feel like the center of attention with attractive women at your beck and call, one that toes the line between acceptable objectification and outright misogyny.
That overall experience is important to keep in mind when your boyfriend does something stupid like Mr. Confused Betch up there. Rather than selling unobstructed views of tits and ass, strip clubs depend on removing you from reality. Apart from door fees and drink minimums, clubs don’t make a lot of money off of guys sitting there ogling the talent. Employees are there to upsel things like VIP areas and bottle service, and when a stripper gets off the stage, she’s out on the floor hustling for lap dances. It’s very easy for guys to get caught up in the moment and go with it when your buddy buys you a lapdance, especially in an environment where we’re being lavished with unsolicited sexual attention. Think about it, when does that ever happen to guys? Unless you’re a celebrity (or me), you can’t walk into a bar and have every woman in the place all up on your dick.
Regarding lap dances – I’ve only ever had one, and it was because a friend of mine thought it would be funny to buy me a dance with the ugliest, most tatted-up flat-chested girl in the building. It was, unsurprisingly, not sexy. I could see some level of increased appeal with a really hot stripper, but in general I don’t know how you can make getting writhed on by a naked girl while you’re fully clothed and laying in a dentist’s chair “erotic.” Keep in mind, though, that once money changes hands, she’s keeping it whether someone gets a dance or not. If your boyfriend’s buddy springs one on him, he’d be kind of a dick not to take it, whether he wants it or not.
As far as the implications for strip club patronage and your relationship, it’s the same as porn. Hell, strip clubs basically are porn, only in amusement-park form. Unless he’s blowing all of his cash on strippers and lapdances, him visiting a strip club for his bro’s bachelor party doesn’t say anything about how he feels about you, your relationship, or your sex life. Just like with porn, he neither expects nor wants you to look or act like that. That’s what the strippers are for. It’s purely entertainment, with the side effect of occasional boners.
Like I said earlier, I don’t have a lot to say on the subject. Take to the comments, and I’ll answer questions as best I can.