Why Doesn’t the Bro I Refused to Date Want to Hook Up Anymore? Ask a Pro

Dear Head Pro,

First I want to apologie for my english, which might not be perfect (I'm parisian I hope it will be enough for an excuse).

I'm writing to you because I recently had this issue with that guy. It was few months ago, I had just broke up with my ex boyfriend so I wanted to change my mind and enjoy my new freedom. So I went to this party and I met this random guy, funny and gorgeous, and (because I didn't any intention to start something serious a week after my breakup and too many vodka in my blood) I slept with him.

I thought it would be a one night stand so I decided not to take his number and everything, even if he was so cute in the morning making some breakfast. But then he add me on facebook, asked for my number and it was the beginning of us talking everyday for two months. We saw each other couple of times, taking coffees, having a walk, and he was seriously making some (big) allusions of the fact that he wanted to be my boyfriend. But then, one day, we met and kissed me on the cheeks. When I asked him why I was acting so weirdly he told me that he was “sorry” but he didn't “want to start a relationship right now”. So I left and we just stopped talking.

My friends told me that it could be because all of his friends we're putting pressure on him, asking him if we were going to get serious, but that just seems dumb. I just don't understand why  he talked with me everyday to tell me that. And do you think I should just give up and going forward ?

A french girl who tries hard not to be under illusions.

Dear Frenchie,

Well, it’s nice to see that banality knows no cultural boundaries. Basically, this is what you’re saying happened: You met this guy, made it clear you had no intentions of dating him, and then continued to make that clear even though he kept trying. He finally gives up, and all of a sudden you’re like “what the fuck, why doesn’t he want to date me anymore?”

Let’s put this in perspective: Say you really want to eat cheese and wear a beret, or drink wine, or surrender your country to Germany. Let’s also say you have a friend who does these things in front of you constantly, but never lets you in on the action. Maybe after weeks, or months, your friend is finally all “hey, wanna help me uncork this bottle of Cab Franc while I raise the white flag?” What would you say to that? Would you be like “Sacrebleu, I thought you’d never ask?” No, you’d tell your friend to go fuck herself, because you’ve found a new friend who plays it pretty fast and loose with the brie and croissants whenever you want.

That’s what’s happening here. I know it’s very easy and popular to imagine that guys are thoughtless automatons who can be strung along by our dicks no matter what, but the truth is we’re adaptable. Willpower is a finite resource, and once we tire of chasing after a girl who presumably doesn’t want to be caught we’ll eventually look elsewhere. I imagine Gaston was pretty confused as to why you’d sleep with him, and hang out with him, but not date him. I understand that it sucks any time someone loses interest in you, but at this point you’re only interested in him because he isn’t. Find yourself another fella, if that’s what you want.

French Kisses,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

So, this will probably scream “nice girl” and I know that's annoying, but this is a legit issue I sincerely need advice on…

I have a great job; my bosses are super chill, I get a raise and a bonus every year (unless I was to seriously fuck up), and everyone I work with is actually really cool and funny. The environment is ideal and the pay is decent, but the area I'm in right now is not where I want to stay in terms of a career. I took the job because it was initially something I wanted to do, but I've discovered that it's just not for me.

Putting aside the fact that I've become friends with everyone, what makes leaving even harder is that my boss told me he plans to promote me come summer/fall. At the time he mentioned it, I just said “oh yeah…great, thank you…” because WTF do I say to that? “Oh, thanks but I'm actually planning on leaving before then?” I would be taking this other girl's position and honestly, there is nobody else who can replace her, as the company is fairly small and nobody else is as qualified as me. Sure, they can try and find someone else if I left, but they would have to intensely train them and teach them about 1-2 year's worth of skills and knowledge in a few weeks (assuming I put in a 2 week's notice).

While any issues caused by me leaving is not my problem, I have been at this job for a while and I don't want to leave having them resent me for fucking them over, since I sort of kinda verbally accepted the promotion ahead of time. Plus, as of now they love me and have verbally expressed I'm a valuable asset to the company, so I want to keep them as references for any future jobs.

Should I just grow a pair, find a new job and put in a 2 week's notice, or maybe have a sit down meeting with my bosses and give them a head's up regarding the promotion and leaving?

Thanks in advance,
Betch Who Gives Too Many Shits

Dear Diarrhea Betch,

This is a legitimate question, and you need to understand that while you don’t “owe” your employer anything, it’s not a great idea to burn bridges, either. You never know when you might end up back on their radar. A lot of people, especially ones recently out of college, get tricked into thinking their employers have done them “a favor,” either by training them or just giving them the job in the first place. This is stupid. A job is, by definition, the opposite of a favor, or “helping someone out.” You aren’t there doing work because you’re a swell person, you’re there because you’re directly supplying them labor in exchange for money and benefits.

Sitting down with them to tell them you’re looking for an excuse to quit would be terribly, terribly counter productive. What you might find, despite how “super chill” your bosses seem, is that upon hearing the news they decide it would make more sense for them to go ahead and find your replacement now, whether you have a new job or not. That would suck for you. Having to explain that you left a good job because you hoped you’d find something better isn’t a very successful job interview strategy.

The way to go is obviously to find a new job on the sly, and don’t speak a word of it to your bosses until you have an offer letter in your hand. Don’t worry about the coworkers you’re “friends” with. You can still be friends if you work somewhere else, unless that somewhere else is the North Korean government, probably. If you want to ingratiate yourself to the company for reference purposes, have your new job allow for maybe a month of lead time instead of the standard two weeks. That way you’ll have time to train your replacement. If the job only requires 1-2 years of experience, it honestly can’t be that fucking hard. Replacing her (and you) won’t be a big deal.

Mutinous Kisses,

Head Pro


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