An Exhaustive Checklist Of Every Possible Reason Your Stomach Is Hurting

You ever find yourself enjoying your day, and suddenly, it happens: your tummy starts hurting. The only thing more frustrating than the physical pain is trying to figure WTF is causing the stomach pain in the first place. If you’re super in tune with your body and track every single thing that you eat (or don’t eat), you can probably pinpoint exactly what it is that’s causing your tummy distress. But if you’re just rawdogging life and can’t remember if you even ate breakfast today or not, figuring out why your stomach feels like it’s going to drop to the floor can feel like trying to crack the Da Vinci code. Now, of course, you could always check WebMD — but if you’re not in the mood to read about how you only have three days left to live, I’ve got the checklist for you.

Just to make sure all of your bases are covered, here is an exhaustive checklist of things to ask yourself when your stomach starts to hurt.

  1. Did I eat today?
  2. Did I eat something I really shouldn’t have?
  3. Did I eat cheese?
  4. How much coffee have I had?
  5. Is my period coming?
  6. Am I pregnant?
  7. Do I have a food baby?
  8. Do I have food poisoning?
  9. Did I have dairy?
  10. Did I have too many La Croixs?
  11. Am I constipated?
  12. Or do I have diarrhea?
  13. Am I stressed?
  14. Am I more stressed than usual?
  15. Do I have IBS?
  16. Could I have an ulcer?
  17. Is my diet shitty?
  18. Is there something wrong with my liver?
  19. Do I have anxiety?
  20. Or is this list giving me anxiety?
  21. Did I develop a brand-new food allergy?
  22. Or even a food intolerance? (Yes, it’s different.)
  23. Do I have an ovarian cyst?
  24. Do I have a kidney stone?
  25. Or gallstones? Whatever those are.
  26. Did I drink alcohol?
  27. Did I somehow strain my abdominal muscles from when I worked out that one time??
  28. Do I have a UTI?
  29. Kidney disease?!
  30. Do I need my appendix removed?
  31. Did I sleep with someone toxic?
  32. Am I eating enough fiber?
  33. How much gluten have I had today?
  34. Is something off with my hormones?
  35. When was my last therapy appointment?
  36. Am I being punished for something I did in a past life?
  37. Do I need more vitamin B12?
  38. Did I take pills on an empty stomach?
  39. Is my apartment built on a sacred burial ground?
  40. Or do I just have trapped gas?
Syeda Khaula Saad
Syeda Khaula Saad
Syeda Khaula Saad is a sex & dating writer at Betches despite not remembering the last time she was in a relationship. Just take her word for it.