Mother’s Day is this weekend, and it’s the perfect time to celebrate some of the amazing moms in this world. And some of the less amazing ones. We’re talking about the Kardashians, namely Kim, Kourtney, and Kris Jenner, who have all seen fit to bring multiple children into their fucked up lives. This means Khloé gets left out, but that’s basically the story of her life so we don’t feel too bad. Also, no, we are not including Caitlyn as a mom on this list, so don’t ask.
Fifth Place: Kylie Jenner
Oh boy. Over the past 3-4 years, it’s been easy to make jokes about Kylie being a mess who might not beat teen pregnancy, but we didn’t know we were literally psychic. Kylie seems like a nice girl, but we have some very serious concerns about her potential as the mother of an actual human child.
First of all, does Kylie have any experience with children? There was that one time that she threw Tyga’s son a super elaborate Ferrari-themed birthday party, but that was mainly just to make Blac Chyna mad, and it’s not like she actually had to watch the kid. Kylie also hangs out with Kourtney and Kim’s kids, but being a 19-year-old aunt who sometimes comes over for dinner is way different from raising a fucking child from birth.
Aside from her background with kids, we’re not so sure about her general maturity level. Like, we suffered through at least one whole episode of Life of Kylie, and she acts like a whiny fucking teenager. She has a weirdly codependent friendship with Jordyn, but that’s about it. Maybe we’ll get a Simple Life-inspired spin-off of the two of them trying to raise a child? A betch can dream.
So sorry Kylie, but no amount of eyeshadow palette sales will turn you into a responsible adult.
Fourth Place: Kris Jenner
Sorry Kris, but we had to do it. Kris falls into second-to-last place mainly because she’s had six children and she has singlehandedly pimped all of them out to for fame. 10% > volunteering at the library like a regular mom! It shouldn’t be a shocker that being the world’s best momager doesn’t actually make you the world’s best mom. For all the gigs she’s gotten her girls, there have been at least two episodes of KUWTK where they get in a giant fight and Kris acts like a petty teenage girl. Some of her tactics are especially questionable with Kendall and Kylie, who were like, 9 years old when they got famous. Like, when Kendall first broke into the modeling world Kylie was obvi really jealous and feeling self-conscious. How did Kris respond? She made Kylie feel bad about not being happy for Kendall…and I think we all know how that has affected Kylie (cough plastic surgery cough). Also, it’s just not that normal to be excited for your daughters to do naked photoshoots, let alone encourage them. Sorry not sorry.
We also really do not love the matching names that she gave all her kids (sorry, Rob), which is a classic obnoxious mom move. She wasn’t famous at all back then, which really makes it even less acceptable. Her most recent boyfriend is also the same age as Kourtney, which is gross no matter who your family is.
Third Place: Kim Kardashian West
Kim, Kim, Kim. As much as we can’t believe we’re saying this, we’ve thought it over and Kim is actually not a horrible mom. First of all, she fucking loves her kids. She talks about them every chance she gets, and it’s refreshing to see her act like sort of a normal person for once.
She’s also the only Kardashian mom who has raised her kids with zero relationship drama (so far, at least), which has to be healthier for the kids. No one would ever call her and Kanye normal, but if you take a few shots and squint your eyes, they almost seem like a regular little family.
Still, her kids are going to get to an age where she has some serious explaining to do. Like how mommy got famous from a sex tape and one time she was married for 72 days and a million other things that we as Kardashian fans have taken for granted, but that we probably wouldn’t have wanted to know about our parents. North and Saint have over a dozen seasons they can skim through to find out anything about their mom’s life, including how both children almost murdered her during their pregnancies. It’s clear that Northie is being trained to perfectly complement her mom, as evidenced by the famous Snapchat in which she asks Kim if she’s wearing makeup before giving her a kiss on the cheek. Seems a little bizarre, but then again not a bad idea on Kim’s part, because who would want to sit through three hours of makeup only to have it slobbered off by a kid? Going through the Paris robbery definitely seems like it changed her whole outlook on life, so it seems like things might get better from here on out.
Second Place: Khloé Kardashian
Khloé has wanted to be a mom for a long time, and at 33 years old, she should be ready for it. In the past few years, she’s really gotten her life together, complete with an incredible body and a man who is hopefully in it for the long haul. What could go wrong?
Of course, there are some minor questions. Khloé has always been the sister who likes to party the most, complete with the jail time for her DUI and her short-lived talk show that literally had “Kocktails” in the name (we won’t even get into the spelling). But it seems like the wild days might be behind her, now that she’s more focused on health and fitness. The baby will definitely be like a buff vegan from day one, because Khloé is all about not eating animals.
Overall, Kourtney still seems like a little more of a fully-functioning adult, but Khloé should be pretty prepared to join the mommy club. She’ll definitely do better than Kylie, no fucking question.
First Place: Kourtney Kardashian
We will always be surprised that Kourtney was able to hang on to Scott Disick’s greasy hair and slimy personality long enough to produce three children, but it happened and here we are. After that cursed relationship seemed to be over for the last time, Kourtney was left to live the single mom life and transformed into the hottest MILF on TV. As a down side, she has to explain to her children that daddy cheated on mommy because he has an (alleged) sex addiction.
Kourtney is definitely the most normal one of her sisters, and we probably think that because she gives the least fucks of any of them. It seems like she genuinely likes to have a good time playing with her kids and throwing them over-the-top birthday parties in the world’s largest backyard. We still have a lot of questions about why her third kid is named Reign, but whatever. Overall, Kourtney seems like the sane one, which means her kids will at least wait until adulthood to become complete train wrecks. Penelope, we’re rooting for you.
Honorable Mention: Blac Chyna
You thought we were going to forget about this gem, but you were wrong. Where to begin with Chyna? Depending on how you look at it, Chyna could either be the frontrunner or dead last on this list. Let us delve into why. It’s pretty simple, really. Her first child, King Cairo, is with rapper Tyga, who is like that guy who graduated high school three years ago but still hangs out in the parking lot every day after school. Chyna actually seems to be a really good mom to King, despite bringing to life the most absurd, twisted family tree there ever was. How does King refer to Kylie, anyway? Aunt? Teenage girl who fed, clothed, and sheltered my father for a few years?
Then Chyna had to go and get knocked up by the biggest Kardashian hot mess to date, Rob. If King was exposed to even a minute of their brawling, he would be scarred for life. How many of his future girlfriends will ask him if he’s still texting bitches? And how many nightmares is he going to have about his mom having a psychotic break aka packing up the entire house and running away from his step-dad? The good news is he has definitely learned the importance of vacuuming a house before you evacuate and leaving no Eggos behind. The other good news is Dream is def too young to remember any of this, until she watches reruns on TV. So why Chyna might just be the best mom of the bunch? She maneuvered her way into a blood connection to America’s royal family, The Kardashians. Those kids will never be without money, Calabasas mansions, or lip kits. Is she a colossal idiot, or a finesser the likes of which this world has never seen?
We may never know.