This Just In: The Whole30 Diet Is Bad For You

STOP THE PRESSES, because we literally found out that another fad diet has, essentially, eaten shit for false claims and making you subscribe to unhealthy eating habits. As we’ve told you before, most fad diets, or, really any diets that tell you to cut out whole food groups are bullshit. So, this shouldn’t be a big surprise to our LOYAL readers, but it’s true: Whole30 is bullshit.

WTF is Whole30?

Whole30 is a diet regimen that is based on cutting out food groups like grains, beans, all sugar, and dairy. Also alcohol—so I’m assuming literally no one reading this has tried it. So far, it sounds fucking awful. The idea is to “reset” your body and help you figure out which foods are making you tired/fat/bloated/poor. What can you eat? Mostly meat, fruit, veggies, eggs, etc. Think of it as the trendier Paleo diet, which, uh, it is. And since the Paleo diet has been proven ineffective by our good old buddies, the scientists, you can kinda already see what we’re in for.

The Burn Book Diet Rankings

That brings us to the annual ranking of diets in U.S. News & World Report, the magazine/journal you may know of because you stalked their college rankings to decide where to apply senior year. But back to the diets list, though: Where did Whole30 land in a list of diets examined by important medical people? Fucking LAST.

Awesomely-named scientist Dr. Katz, an expert on this diet expert panel, said that he considered Whole30 generally shitty because it overly promotes chomping into beef, pork, chicken, and other animal meats. These things aren’t BAD in moderation, but eating all meat while ignoring, say, whole grain bread or black beans isn’t that awesome. We assume he also spoke at length about the absolute preposterousness that is associated with not having a bottle of wine every night, but we’re still trying to track that quote down.

Of course (yawn) the creator of the diet claims it’s super awesome and healthy and has changed fat people for the better, but, honestly, so does the Master Cleanse, and I still fail to see the merit in hallucinating for a few days so I can lose 3 lbs. I can go to Burning Man or Coachella and do the same shit without realizing I’m dieting.

Do yourself a favor and stick with eating healthy ALL the time and not DIETING. Oh, and work alcohol into your diet, because, like, health benefits.