My Best Guesses Who The Unnamed Future Twitter CEO Is

Move over, ChatGPT; Elon Musk is replacing himself before you can do it for him! That’s right—Twitter’s getting a new CEO. It seems he took the advice of his own Twitter poll and decided he wasn’t qualified to continue running the company he’s already run into the ground. All we know is that they’re coming on at the end of June, and they are….wait for it…a woman! 

Much of Twitter has broken out in speculation on this new CEO’s identity. As it stands right now, her visage is more protected than Kim Kardashian’s surrogate (who might actually be the CEO, could be anyone). Indeed, so many are hypothesizing about the new CEO that I’m even seeing tweets about it from non-blue checkmark accounts—and we all know those rarely make their way into the For You page on Elon’s Twitter. To be fair, this wild speculation is clearly exactly what he wanted, since he’s never met an attention he didn’t desperately try to seize and embrace. Why else wouldn’t he say her name? Unless it’s just a habit, from years of women saying, “Please don’t tell anyone about this.” 

As of this writing, there are rumors that it is likely NBCUniversal Exec Linda Yaccarino, but until we know for sure, I’ll be speculating. After all, the inside of my brain is no less credible of a news source than the ones Elon promotes on his very own Twitter. And so, my guesses are:

  • Marjorie Taylor-Greene
  • Elizabeth “Liz” Holmes
  • ChatGalPT (ChatGPT’s girlfriend)
  • The next attractive woman who makes him feel “like a man”
  • Tucker Carlson in extremely tight briefs

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  • The baby girl he intends to impregnate his wife with tonight, because he doesn’t know how long pregnancies take
  • The next attractive woman to like his tweet about the new CEO
  • Elon’s cat, who’s actually a male but he labors under the common assumption that all cats are female
  • Daenerys (Elon is not good at distinguishing fiction from what he believes could be. See also: SpaceX)
  • %%#@#()*@#)(*#, whoever she may be
  • The next attractive woman to walk into his office
  • Melania Trump’s stunt double
  • The ghost of Phyllis Schlafly
  • Lorena Bobbitt

Lorena Bobbitt

  • The next attractive woman he sees
  • Me (a girl can dream!)
  • Yoko Ono
  • The next attractive woman to make eye contact with him
  • Elon Musk in a wig
  • Elon Musk without a wig, but with hair implants that function as a wig
  • Elon Musk in a trenchcoat and a wig
  • The next attractive woman to not directly insult him. Hopefully this happens in less than six weeks
  • It’s not real, he hasn’t found anyone
  • He’s shutting down Twitter

Elon Musk and Twitter

  • No woman is dumb enough to do this job, are they?
  • Turns out, they are
  • Oh, duh, I should have guessed
  • This one was obvious
  • I mean, who’s qualified to run a social network?
  • And doesn’t currently have a job…
  • Sheryl Sandberg

All photos courtesy of Getty Images.

Ginny Hogan
Ginny Hogan
Ginny Hogan is a writer/stand up comedian. She's the author of "I'm More Dateable than a Plate of Refried Beans," and the host of "Raising Questions."