Is it just me or are weeks where you have to
go to work be a functioning human really fucking hard? Just me? K. We all have our vices for coping with work week stresses. Some people have over-priced exercise classes and the cat they bought to mask their loneliness. Other people take tequila shots and Snapchat their ex at 10pm on a Tuesday night. Nobody’s perfect. I, for one, lean on wine to get me through the good and the bad times. Specifically, white wine, because apparently when I unwind watch Pretty Little Liars and judge the downfall of Alison Dilaurentis I need to feel like a real housewife of Orange County. Know yourself. But now I can’t even have six glasses a glass of wine anymore because this just in: white wine is allegedly the culprit behind your newly formed skin disease, rosacea.
Once again, dermatologists are trying to sabotage our happiness. First they came for our margaritas by spouting some bullshit about our favorite darty beverage giving us skin rashes and now they’re trying to take away my
will to live white wine by spreading vicious rumors which I AM SURE are fake news. And if these rumors prove true then all I have to say is welcome to your tape, Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology.
If the panic hasn’t set in yet it’s probs because you have no clue what rosacea is, so buckle the fuck up because you’re in for a rude awakening. Rosacea is not, in fact, an STI (don’t lie, one of you was thinking it); but rather, a skin disease that “causes redness and flushing on the face and neck.” Which didn’t sound that bad until I typed rosacea into Google and discovered that it can also cause face swelling, “acne-like breakouts”, bumpy skin, and swollen eyelids. And the hits just keep on coming.
The study that’s trying to ruin my life proved a direct link between white wine consumption and rosacea. The data was collected from more than 82,000 female nurses and found that women who consumed one to three glasses of white wine a month had a 14% increase in the risk of developing the skin condition. And just in case you weren’t already feeling personally victimized, they went on to say that those who drank five or more glasses a week upped this chance by 49%. *Internally screaming*
I’m sorry, what?? Let’s think about this for a moment. Five glasses of wine A WEEK can up your chances of getting a skin disease by practically 50%?? That’s like one relatively tame Saturday night or, conversely, my Tuesday night writing this article. And that’s all it takes for me to ruin my skin?
Also what do we really know about these “nurses”, hmmm? We all know that nurses are just a bunch of nicegirls who want us to “drink more water” and “exercise” and “take care of ourselves.” I don’t trust it.
So, let me get this straight, if I want to avoid developing a lifelong skin disease I either need to listen to facts given by medical professionals or the feeling in my heart? Now I know what Sophie must have felt when she made her choice.
And if you’re thinking, “fuck, it’s already too late because I drink enough white wine to rival a middle-aged carpool mom” then doctors recommend that you invest in some Rhofade, a new prescription cream that will make you look less like Bridget Jones during a life crisis and more like a CW star in her prime. The other alternative is to, like, give up Pinot Grigio but unless you want me to pull a “sick passenger” in all my daily obligations then that’s a hard pass from me. Sorry.
Can we all just blame the Journal of the American Academy of Dermatology for this one? Like enough is enough, people. You already took my margs and I really don’t want to know how I’ll cope without my Chardonnay. I for one would really like to be excluded from this narrative, please. Thx.