The most staged thing about Vanderpump Rules is how they expect us to believe that the cast members can plan these lavish vacations and weddings on a server’s budget. Since half the cast doesn’t even work at SUR anymore, they’ve found some cringeworthy, laughable, or occasionally actually legit side hustles to make us kind of believe that they’re totally not living off of a reality show check. We ranked the Pump Rules cast members’ side hustles from worst to… actually pretty great.
Thank God Scheana gave us the podcast no one asked for. If you want to play a fun drinking game where you take a shot whenever Scheana makes everything about herself, then I highly recommend this podcast. But I promise you, this game will do more damage to your liver than any drinking holiday would. I mean, her guests are the who’s who of “What the fuck ever happened to them again?” Case in point: She just had Jonathan “The human head weighs 10 pounds” and Lipnicki and Kristen Cavallari’s no-name “bestie” from The Hills. The Scheananigans Instagram boasts 30,000 followers but averages like, 200 likes a post. Even the fake bots that pretend to like Scheana’s podcast can’t be bothered to throw her a like. Ouch.
6. Katie’s Beauty Blog
Katie’s beauty blog, Pucker and Pout, used to be the go-to spot to find beauty tips and tricks that you already knew from better sites to begin with. Then she fell off the wagon for a while when she was planning her wedding and having a months-long meltdown. Then she claimed to get back on the wagon again, but I just checked in on that blog and barely anything has been thrown up in recent history. Katie did launch a lipstick collab with Julie Hewett, but it’s only three colors and it’s unclear if anyone actually bought it.
5. Kristen’s T-Shirt Line
When Kristen got fired from SUR, she claimed to be doing just fine career-wise because she did what every flailing underemployed LA chick would do: start a T-shirt line. Kristen has come out with two seasons of her line in the past few years because apparently, it takes a really long time to come up with six different T-shirt ideas. Sure, they kind of look like they’re rejected Urban Outfitters shirts, but they’re still cute. I guess. Honestly, I’m just happy Kristen finally has a hobby besides functional alcoholism and self-sabotage.
4. Tom Tom
I don’t know if this counts as a side hustle for Sandoval, because I’m still not sure if he’s in this full-time since he may still be working at SUR. And I don’t know if this counts as a side hustle for Schwartz, because I don’t think you can have a side hustle if you never really had a job to begin with. Anyway, Tom and Tom barely have any clout or pull in a restaurant named after them, but they’re still trying their hardest. Well, Sandoval is. He actually created some really cool drinks for the menu. But still, they barely had a say in anything else.
3. James Kennedy’s DJ Career
I can’t. Believe. I’m. Saying. This. But James Kennedy’s DJ career has had a pretty interesting trajectory. He used to get suspended and fired all the time for drinking on the job, but now he seems to have really pulled it together. The Pump Sessions album ended up coming together, and it’s not terrible. I mean, let’s stop pretending like all electronic music doesn’t sound the same. But I’m assuming it doesn’t suck. C U Next Tuesdays at SUR look lit, and James has been traveling across the country to DJ at some of the hottest (okay, tackiest) clubs out there. I have to hand it to him—James has come a long way from telling people to pick up their dog’s poop at Lisa’s dog fundraiser.
2. Give Them Lala Beauty
I don’t get why people thought Lala would ever need to suck dick for Range Rovers when the girl is clearly out there hustling. She’s got two movies on deck, she’s actually not bad at singing, and she came out with her own beauty line. Anyone who follows her knows that she hawks her own beauty line more than any Bachelor reject hawks SugarBearHair vitamins and Fit Tea. Sure, she may have copied the Kar-Jenners a bit by going the beauty route, but you know what? She actually did just as good of a job as them, if not better. Half of Kylie’s lip colors aren’t shades anyone can pull off unless it’s Electric Daisy Carnival or Halloween. Lala’s lipsticks, on the other hand, not only got good reviews, but pretty much anyone can wear them.
1. Straight Up With Stassi Podcast
Okay, we know, we know, everyone has a podcast these days. But to be good at podcasts, you have to be good at holding court and talking shit, which happen to be two of Stassi’s specialties. This is a way better niche for Stassi than being a fake fashion journalist or designing unsightly statement necklaces. Sure, she had her controversy with her inappropriate comments about the #MeToo movement, but she bounced back and took the criticism to heart. Or at least pretended to for the cameras. Either way, her podcast seems to be doing well, even with the lost ad revenue. Hopefully she can keep it up and stop saying problematic shit!
And now, let’s have a moment of silence for the few Vanderpump Rules side hustles that were talked about, but never materialized:
Jax’s fitness app: I think this would be the first fitness app that would encourage cocaine and steroid use to get a hot bod.
Jax’s sweater line: Jax wore a T-shirt from Barstool Sports in every episode this past season. So he has the same fashion sense as that third-tier frat bro who’s an active participant in an incel subreddit who you regrettably hooked up with over spring break years ago. I feel like this speaks volumes about why his sweater line never flourished.
Scheana and Rob’s Divorce Closet idea: Technically, this idea never launching is all on Rob, because he supposedly just wanted Scheana to be the face of it. I think it shows how he really saw her the entire time. What a douche.
Ariana’s cocktail book: Guess she doesn’t take an actual job as seriously as sketch comedy.
Tom and Tom being brand ambassadors for LVP Sangria: They wanted to be unpaid brand ambassadors. That was Sandoval’s brilliant business pitch. The cringe.
Images: Giphy (4)