It’s hard to watch Rachel Lindsay’s season of The Bachelorette and not think, “okay, which one of these clowns would I give a rose to?” I mean, when Chris Harrison promised us the “most diverse season yet,” he definitely was not just talking about melanin levels. This bunch has something for everybody, from legitimate lawyers who honestly have no reason to be on The Bachelorette, to a man whose employment is apparently tickling-related and an aspiring drummer (actually, not anymore, sorry Blake!). But which one is right for you, dear reader? Well, IDK. IDK you, TBH. But I know someone who does! The stars. The stars know exactly which of Rachel Lindsay’s 30+ boyfriends would be right for you, and they also know exactly who should be eliminated from your life immediately. And don’t worry, I already asked Mercury and she says nobody is compatible with the Whaboom guy, even when she’s in retrograde.
Aries – Alex
Aries, you are one of the most energetic, high-energy, and honestly extra of the zodiac signs. For this reason you need an energetic, high-energy, extra Bachelorette contestant to truly win your heart. That’s why Alex, the hot Russian guy who was just a smidge too into dancing on elderly women in Ellen’s audience, is exactly right for you. As a natural born leader, you will enjoy having a piece of arm candy as fire as Alex. And because you’re an energetic nut job most of the time, you won’t mind when Alex does manic shit like shake his ass on some horny daytime television viewers or piss in the pool because he was “done working out and there was nobody in there.”
Take To Fantasy Suites: Will, Bryce
Send Home Immediately: Jack Stone, Josiah
Taurus – Tickle Monster
Taurus, while you may be a practical, no-bullshit person, you’re also a sign that most values physical touch. And who among Rachel Lindsay’s Bachelorette contestants is more fond of physical touch than Jonathan aka “Tickle Monster.” Sure, his non-traditional employment (still unclear how “Tickle Monster” earns him a paycheck, but okay) goes against your love of traditional values, but tickling itself is a pretty traditional move. Like, kindergarten level. You want someone who is upfront and honest, and what is more upfront and honest than going on national television and telling the world you’re a 31-year-old tickle fetishist?
Take To Fantasy Suites: Josiah, Kenny
Send Home Immediately: Brady, Lee
Gemini – Adam (and Adam Jr)
As a Gemini, it can be hard to hold your attention, and this whole “dating only one person” thing is really not your cup of tea. So why not date someone who brings along his own counterpart? When you get bored of Adam (and you will—you get bored of everything), you can just send him away and spend a romantic evening learning French from Adam Jr. Geminis love conversation starters, and what’s a better way to break the ice than saying, “Hey family, this is Adam, my boyfriend, and Adam Jr., my boyfriend’s doll. And before you ask, yes, we do consider ourselves a thruple.”
Take To Fantasy Suites: Diggy, Dean
Send Home Immediately: Anthony, Iggy
Cancer – Kenny
Cancer, as much as you and your IUD hate to admit it now, you want a damn family. You’re an intense person and you want an intense relationship to go along with it. And what says “intense” more than “professional wrestler with a child”? You will get all the benefits of having a child without any of the whole being-pregnant-and-ruining-your-bikini-body thing. For lack of a better term, you want someone who is here for the right reasons, and Kenny is definitely that.
Take To Fantasy Suites: Bryan, Anthony
Send Home Immediately: Alex, Lee
Leo – Matt
Leo, I don’t need to tell you that “center of attention is your job,” and your job only. That’s why your best Bachelorette contestant is one who does not stand out in any way. Someone who has done literally nothing to distinguish himself over the course of three weeks, yet somehow remains mostly based on hottness. I give you: Matt, the 32-year-old construction sales rep who I truly forgot was in this competition until reviewing my bracket. Like I said, Matt is hot, which means he will look good next to you in photos, and honestly, that’s really all you need. Just sit there and be pretty, Matt. Leo will do all the rest.
Take To Fantasy Suites: Brady, Iggy
Send Home Immediately: Alex, Peter
Virgo – Peter
Virgo, you are hard-working, mature, and sensible. Basically, you have no business dating anyone on The Bachelorette. But if you must, you should go with Peter, the cute gap-toothed business owner. You’re like a match made in heaven! Peter is a sweet midwestern boy with the mental acuity to own his own business. I mean, sure, that business is a personal training company, but that’s serious enough for you, Virgo. Despite his level of normalness, Peter has also risen to the top of basically every respectable Bachelorette bracket, which shows you that he’s not fucking around or playing games—two things that Virgos have literally no time for.
Take To Fantasy Suites: Anthony, Josiah
Send Home Immediately: Lee, Jonathan
Libra – Josiah
Libras are generally peaceful (good for you) and fair. They value justice and equality so much that their sign’s symbol is literally scales. That’s why Josiah, the lawyer, is literally perfect for you. Josiah has made himself another frontrunner despite the fact that he’s started absolutely 0 drama, and we all know that you low-key were aroused by his fake legal jargon in the premier episode. The two of you will live a peaceful, drama-free life on his attorney’s salary. People will make fun of you for being in a stable relationship, but you’ll know in their hearts they’re all jealous AF.
Take To Fantasy Suites: Anthony, Jack Stone
Send Home Immediately: Brady, Eric
Scorpio – Eric
Scorpio, u kno u crazy. And you need someone who is going to match that crazy energy with their own. Cue Eric, a man who got into screaming matches with two different people for literally no reason and yet still walked away with the rose. If this isn’t a metaphor for how you live your life, I don’t know what is. The two of you will obviously be “that couple” in your friend group who gets too drunk at group dinners and ends up turning the table over, but it’s all in good fun…right? Sure, your relationship will probably cost you a few invitations for couples outings, but you and Eric don’t care what other people think anyway. Just make sure they keep your names out of their mouths.
Take To Fantasy Suites: Lee, Iggy
Send Home Immediately: Kenny, Matt
Sagittarius – Will
Sagittarius, you are the funny one of your friend group. Your main hobbies are 1) making people laugh, 2) making people laugh, and 3) not giving a fuck about how you look in order to make people laugh. So yeah, a guy who dresses up like Steve Urkle complete with a quick change just to make Rachel giggle is exactly the person for you. The two of you have a wonderful, costume filled life of laughter and tagging yourself in memes ahead of you. Honestly we’re all a little jealous.
Take To Fantasy Suites: Diggy, Alex
Send Home Immediately: Eric, Josiah
Capricorn – Anthony
Capricorn, you’re another sign that honestly has no business dating Bachelorette contestants, but you’re here and you’re interested so your best bet at finding love is with Anthony, a man who truly should never have had any reason to meet Chris Harrison. Anthony is not only by all accounts a normal human man, he’s also a Fulbright scholar and a world traveler. You are the most grown up of the zodiac signs, so you need a man in your life who seems like he would actually remember to pay the gas bill if left to his own devices. Anthony is an “education software manager,” which is one of those very adult sounding jobs where you’re not quite sure what the job is but it seems relatively important. You won’t have any trouble introducing Anthony to your parents. Just probably don’t mention the thing where he rode a horse into a store on Rodeo Drive.
Take To Fantasy Suites: Josiah, Peter
Send Home Immediately: Jonathan, Alex
Aquarius – Diggy
Aquarius, you are an independent-minded deep thinker, which is exactly why the fact that Diggy was def almost eliminated this week won’t phase you at all. You’re the political one of your friend group, and what’s more woke than a dude whose tie collection rivals your entire wardrobe? You love intellectual conversations, and who better to give you that than a man in a pair of Warby Parkers that just scream, “I HAVE READ MANY ARTICLES!!” The two of you will be able to curl up next to the fire, wrapped up in a scarf you both share, and exchange hot takes from Twitter until the Sun comes up. How 2017 romantic of you.
Take To Fantasy Suites: Will, Anthony
Send Home Immediately: Lee, Jonathan
Pisces – Lee or Dean
Pisces, you are the most sensitive of the signs, which is unfortunately why you tend to fall for the wrong guy. That’s why Lee is in the picture for you. Your love of music will surely blind you to the fact that singer/songwriter Lee has been revealed to be a legitimate racist on the internet, and your forgiving nature will make you want to let it go, despite the fact that literally every person (and every Bachelorette bracket) is telling you no. Once you finally come to your senses, Dean will be there with open arms also seeking your forgiveness for his once-you-go-black comment, and this time you will be rewarded. As it turns out, Dean is pretty cool and said something dumb because he’s a man and that’s what men do.
Take To Fantasy Suites: Eric, Adam
Send Home Immediately: Anthony, Bryce