Signs You're Too Good At Online Creeping

Any time you even consider initiating sexual relations, we all know that step 1 (after saying “hi” and getting him to buy you a drink) is to frantically text that one person in your friend group who is CIA level creeper and get her to dig up everything she knows. You know that as soon as you give her his name and a rough approximation of his shoe size, this betch will be able to find out his home address, hopes and dreams, and entire dating history within just one minute of intense googling.

While you’re more than a little concerned with how your friend developed her creeping abilities, her input is literally crucial to any potential fuckboy you may be allowing into your boudoir. Honestly, this chick is so good that you low-key contacted your senators about getting her appointed to the Russia investigation. Just give her a laptop and a few key details and she’ll get to the bottom of that shit in no time. Need to know if when the guy you met at the bar said he was an “entrepreneur” he really meant “homeless?” This friend is on it. Want to show up casually at the guy who ghosted you’s favorite coffee place? This girl knows his order. Basically, she’s a superhero whose power is creeping. TBH, she might be the most valuable member of your friend group by far. 

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.