When Can I Start Drinking? Your Holiday Horoscopes December 23-27

The holidays are finally here, and the world has been hit with a Christmas/Hannukah double whammy. Even if you don’t have a celebration this week, chances are your workload has slowed way, wayyy down while the rest of the world opens presents and eats their bodyweight in food. On top of all that, Uranus in Taurus is forming a trine with the Sun, meaning we’re all going to be feeling something come Tuesday. Whether that’s the holiday spirit or just indigestion is up to you.


monica wedding

Santa will be bringing you the gift of motivation this year, so why not pour it into your holiday and/or New Years celebrations? Yes, you can (and should) be in charge of running the gift exchange. No, nobody is better suited to throwing a New Years party (or pregame) than you. Why leave this sh*t up to the amateurs when there’s a motivated Aries in the room? Frankly I’m more worried about how scary you’ll get if you don’t take on an all-consuming holiday project with 24 hours to execute.


Walkin’ in a winter wonderland? Yeah…not so much. This holiday season has you dying to fly south for the winter and remember what the sun feels like. We don’t blame you. If the holiday season brings the gift of cash (the most wonderful gift of all) take it and start researching warm weather getaways you can take ASAP. If a real vacation isn’t in the cards, put on some beach sounds, sit next to a space heater, and pretend you’re lying on the sand. It’s almost the same thing. Almost…


Focus up, Gemini! All the eggnog is making your usually sharp intuition a little bit off this week. You’re getting signals crossed, taking sh*t the wrong way, and reading way, wayyy too deep into the punctuation in your crush’s latest text. (Reminder: sometimes a period is just a period.) Before you fly off the handle over any particular thing, set aside some alone time so that you can check in with yourself and figure out what your intuition is really saying. That way you don’t traumatize your cousins by accusing grandma of cheating during family game night.


You’re in the mood to shake things up this holiday season, so don’t be afraid to let some traditions fall by the wayside in favor of new, fresh ideas. Not saying you have to go full Seth Cohen and force everyone to celebrate Chrismukkah this year (though you totally could), but switching up your usual holiday routine could lead to something fun and new. Maybe try a new recipe, or adding a new Christmas movie (Diehard) into your holiday movie night rotation. Or, you could just get drunk a little earlier than normal. ‘Tis the season!



You’re feeling a random surge of productivity right at the moment the whole world has an out of office message. Whatever. They’re just not on your level. Honor this sudden need to boss b*tch it up by getting ahead on projects that really inspires you, or by making a game plan for how you’re going to start slaying 2020 the moment you get back. Where do you want to be one year from now? Closing up your corner office for the holidays? Asking your assistant if she remembered to book you first class to San Tropez? This is the time to set that plan in motion.


There’s no way around it, Virgo. You’re getting lit this holiday, and I don’t mean like a menorah. If you’re a cousin, you’re gonna be that cousin. If you’re an aunt, you’re gonna be that aunt. It’s just how it is. You’ve had a long year, and it’s time to let loose with a few (read: seven) glasses of wine. Personally, I think if you end the week without vaping at the dinner table and then angrily yelling about how “it’s legal now!!” you’ve actually done pretty well for yourself. Small victories.


You’re preferring a more intimate holiday this year which, depending on how intense your family is, may or may not be possible. If you’re able to scale down your festivities this year, do it and enjoy the gift of a low-pressure holiday season. If you’re one of those people whose mom would lose her f*cking sh*t if you even suggested it, find ways to make your holiday more intimate by seeing out one-on-one conversations with your favorite family members, “walks” with cousins (where you all just happen to come back stoned out of your brains), or, if all else fails, offering to go to the grocery store and then just staying there for three hours. Works every time.


This year the secret Santa is you, Scorpio. You’ve been imbued with the holiday spirit and went from Scrooge to Buddy from Elf in the blink of an eye. It’s a holiday miracle! Caroling? Yes. Tree trimming? Absolutely. An interpretive menorah lighting ceremony? You just need a couple minutes to learn the choreo and you’re there. Embrace the fact that you’re going to be your most extra holiday self this week, ugly sweaters and all. This only comes but once a year!


christmas cheer

You’re over boring, mundane holiday traditions this year and are looking for something a little more spontaneous. Easier said than done with Aunt Jeannine making sure everyone follows great grandmas 12-step holiday plan from 1932. Find ways to inject whatever spontaneity you can this year, even if it means organizing a mini-revolt to make it happen. Aunt Jeannine can’t deny all of you the right to add “All I Want For Christmas Is You” to the annual holiday singalong. …Can she?


Your holidays have one motto this year: no drama. Depending on how strong your family makes their eggnog, that could be easier said than done. No matter how drama-prone your holiday festivities tend to be, there’s nothing stopping you from leaving the room when Uncle Rick goes on one of his famous rants, or your cousins start arguing about Star Wars. In fact, there’s nothing technically stopping you from offering to pick up a few things from the store, stealing your uncle’s car, and setting out on the open road. Though I guess that would technically count as starting drama.


calm meditation

Have yourself a meditative Christmas, Aquarius! If you find yourself getting stressed with all the eating, drinking, and yelling that typically accompanies a holiday shindig, don’t be afraid to Irish goodbye for a sec and collect yourself. Hiding out in your childhood bedroom is still a very effective way to avoid your family members, as is taking a few deep breaths in the basement, or just locking yourself in your aunt’s master bathroom to scream in the mirror. Whatever you need to do not completely lose your mind before the new year.


Get the holiday party started, Pisces! You’re in the mood to be the star on top of the Christmas tree, or the shamash in the menorah, depending on what you’re celebrating. Yes, you’ll be the one forcing all the cousins into a holiday sing-a-long, or making everyone go around the table and say one thing they loved about this year. You’re just in that kind of mood. And it should come as no surprise that your holiday spirit will grow according to how many drinks you’ve had, meaning by midnight on Christmas eve you’ll basically become Santa. Luckily, if The Santa Claus is to be believed, it’s a pretty easy transition.

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.