We’re officially half-way through summer and if you haven’t taken at least one vacation by now, who even are you? Let’s just talk about how we have, like, 14 weeks until there’s fucking snow on the ground again, so you best be making the most out of your insta-while-wearing-a-bikini opportunities. That being said, if you’re planning a trip or just want to know what your vacation choices say about your personality, this gem is for you.
Camping
First of all, ew. Did you get brainwashed by your granola boyfriend into thinking camping was a good idea? Vacations are for relaxing and also having wifi/cell phone service. You’re really cutting into Snapchat opportunities to brag about your trip if you don’t have reception. TBH, if you chose to use your vacation days to rough it and get closer to nature, we can already tell a few things about you: 1) you have pictures on instagram being topless in nature, probably showing the Grand Tetons your little Tetons (they’re not impressed, btw.) 2) You pretend you’re not judgmental, but you really judge everyone who doesn’t have wet dreams about hidden mountain hot springs. 3) Your water bottle is attached to a carabiner. Is that spot on or is that spot on?
A Public Beach
You’re basic and you dgaf about it. I mean, certain things are popular for a reason. You’re not too proud to rough it with the rest of the world. Like, sure, there are probably fat dudes in speedos and kids around, but that won’t kill your vibe. You probably have an affinity for tequila shots and hooking up with dudes in the summer you wouldn’t even look twice at when you’re back to your real life. You’ll definitely post a #TBT when you get home and the caption will say “I need a vacation from my vacation”. We get it, Julie, you’re hungover.
Somewhere Exclusive
Let’s just group the Hamptons Betches together. (Side note: the Hamptons can be exclusive, but talk to me when you spend a weekend on Fishers Island.) You like that #LushLife. You’re a “see and be seen” kind of girl and the Jersey Shore just does not do it for you. You prefer events that are invitation only, and if you can’t name-drop after a vacation, you don’t see a point. You probably own at least one Lilly Pulitzer dress and your dusted off the Jack Rodgers for the first time this year so you could wear them to the beach. You pretend to be casual, but your idea of casual is a round of golf followed by a bottle of Veuve Clicquot. Your family probably winters in Sun Valley or Park City.
Somewhere International
The betch who chooses an international vacation could really be one of two types of people. She’s either the kind of girl who wants to be somewhere exclusive, but, like, on steroids. Or, she’s the girl who spends the summer abroad to “expand her horizons.” If you fall in to the latter category, you’re definitely not a opposed to a fling with a creepy mysterious Italian dude. When you contract HPV from him, it’ll be like a fun European souvenir you’ll have for the rest of your life. When you get back, you’ll annoy all your friends with how you pronounce “Barthelona”. It’ll take a good four months before anyone can stand to be around you again. Your new, worldly-yet-pretentious attitude will be palpable.
A Charity Trip
Ok so this isn’t necessarily a “spot” but whether you’re painting an elementary school in the scary part of a major U.S. city or solving the world’s problems in a developing nation, you fall into the same category of betch. Sure, what you’re doing is super commendable and you’re really shining a light on the selfishness of the rest of us assholes. You’re probably a bit of a nice girl. Your philanthropy is definitely the most unique thing about you; not that there’s anything wrong with that. You probably can’t sit with us just because we’ll feel guilty about ourselves when you start to talk about how you actually benefited the lives of other. Pass on having a conversation with anyone who makes me feel remotely spoiled.
A Staycation
OK, just admit it, you’re poor. Hey, you might not be poor forever, but you’re probably lacking major cash flow if you’re “choosing” to stay home when you could be, um, not home. Sure, getting out and exploring your own city can be cool, but we just call that living somewhere. Like, going out to eat and going to events is part of life and not a break from it. i.e. the whole point of a vacation. You can’t really brag to your coworkers about a place that they’ve literally all been. If you’re taking days off just to stay home, maybe resist bragging about it.
