Currently, I have four different methods of hair removal in play—threading, epilation, shaving, and waxing (I’ll let you guess which one goes where, if you’re into that). I’m something of a hair removal expert. I introduced most of my friends to their first waxers, had a socially scarring moment when I was caught dry-shaving in my freshman year dorm room, and no longer even flinch during Brazilians. While all of this could probably be traced back to the high school ex who would literally check my legs for hair the patriarchy, the point is that by now, I am a motherfucking expert in hair removal. And while my hair removal routine clearly suggests that I’m a fucking psycho I have a little too much time on my hands, we’re not here to talk about me. Let’s discuss what your hair removal choices say about you.
Monthly Wax: Booked In Advance
Okay, you’re either hairy as hell or you have your shit together like Samantha in Sex and the City. If you have the patience and fortitude to grow out all your hair to a wax-able length, get it all waxed at the same time, and know your hair follicles well enough to know when you’ll next need an appointment, you are everything my 13-year-old self thought I once would be an inspiration. You’re the kind of type-A bitch who goes to the gym at 5am and packs a lunch every day, and I respect it. I would never fucking hang out with you, but I respect it. TBH those girls are typically actually a little fuzzy, because they’ve decided things like “being healthy” and “saving money” are somehow more important. Whatever.
Shaving 3-5 Times A Week
This level of frequency means you definitely care about not having visible hair, but not quite enough to invest more time and money in structuring it. The shitty thing about shaving this often is that every few weeks, your hair will reach a point where it’s too short to shave but just long enough that you can feel it, and you have to put the razor down and ride out the stubble purgatory. If you’ve tried other options and never moved past shaving by choice, these few days are probably low-key annoying, but a fact of life you’ve accepted. If you’ve never moved past shaving because women hate you you just “prefer guy friends” and don’t have anyone to teach you these things, these few days are probably a terror-ridden razor-burned nightmare in which you take your failure to be hairless extremely personally and wear jeans three times a week in mid-July. (Definitely not speaking from experience.)
Shaving 1-2 Times A Year
Ugh. I don’t know why, but I think the type of person who only shaves on special occasions, like a beach trip or a wedding where her neutered boyfriend can maybe get laid for the first time this year, is just the worst. If you don’t care about having body hair, then fine. Lean the fuck into it. Post artsy photos of the sunlight streaming through your #fullbush. Get a sponsorship from Burt’s Bees. Live your best life. But if you secretly really, really like how it feels those two times a year that you shave, just shut the fuck up and SHAVE—you’re not going to turn into Kellyanne Conway if you do. Similarly, if you hate the two times a year that you shave, then just stop—no one has the illusion that you’re hairless anyway. This halfway nonsense is just admitting to the world that you’re too insecure and/or lazy to actually make the body hair choices you want year-round.
Look, we all had a desperate moment in high school when the waxing bills added up, or we got razor burn somewhere you really don’t want it. We all thought there had to be a better way, and maybe those microwaveable Sally Hansen jars or tubes of cream that smell like ass were it! Our ticket to freedom! But if you seriously continued with any of these techniques after a first try, you’re probably more than a little broke fuzzy, consistently have weird patches of hair, and are always the one who jumps into the group chat four hours too late to contribute to the conversation. You’re not great with time management, and you pick up a pack of at-home wax strips when you have a party in two hours and realize you haven’t touched your leg hair in six weeks. You tell yourself you can totally get it done in time, then end up on your bathroom floor until midnight, covered in stray bits of wax and that weird little bottle of “removal oil.” Yikes.
This is obviously the gold standard, and it means you have more money than me. If you’re even close to the public eye, you better have this, or go ahead and hibernate for your six months of carefully spaced-out treatments so you can debut your Barbie bikini line in all its glory. If you’re a grown-ass woman with a busy (well-paid) job who cares the amount about hair removal that I do now, then I sincerely hope you have laser, because no one past the age of 30 should be tasked with balancing work, life, and waxing when you have the option not to. Honestly, I’m just going to go ahead and call this entire post a plug for laser hair removal so I can try and demand a brand ambassador discount. Everyone go get laser, and you’ll never have to click on articles like this again.