Every 4th of July, there are certain things that are guaranteed: hotdogs, fireworks, and drunk girls everywhere in tacky “American” outfits. Of course, just like any other day of the year, what you choose to wear on this patriotic holiday says a lot more about you than the “Born in the USA” writing on your ugly graphic tee. As the wise style icon Rachel Zoe once said, “Style is a way to say who you are without having to speak.” So now, what does your predictable and thirsty American flag outfit say about you??? Let’s take a look, my fellow citizens.
American Flag Bikini Betch
This girl loooovvvves attention—so much so that she’d rather give up her daily Starbs than get less than 300 likes on any given Instagram post. Like, this is the type of girl who flatters herself by referring to her own self as a thot. As if this isn’t reason enough to roll your eyes, this betch is SUPER basic and thrives in her basicness. She loves a good daily Insta story of her Skinny Vanilla Latte, and often captions her Instagrams with phrases like “my whole heart” or “blessed.” She’s overly flirty with EVERYONE and is known to wear a full face of makeup at the beach. Basically, the American Flag bikini betch is just one of those girls whose presence alone is fucking annoying, but like, we’ve all been her at one point in our lives.
Dumb Graphic Tee Dud
This girl is lazy and terrible with her finances. How do I know? Because who the fuck spends $40 on a T-shirt that you can legit only wear one day of the year? It’s also the laziest option ever because even the least stylish person could run to their local mall (or Old Navy for the even less stylish but more fiscally responsible) to get one of these stupid tees. Not to mention, the graphic tee most definitely has a cringeworthy saying on it, like “American Girl” or “Time To Get Star, Spangled, Hammered.” At least get creative with it! But, you see, therein lies the problem—she can’t get creative with it because she’s the dud, and that’s what duds do. Duds do dud things, and “creative” is not in their vocabulary. I mean, at the very least, how about you put that $40 to much better use and treat the gals to a round of shots?
This July 4th, you can expect the sundress sorostitute to play up her “cuteness” while attempting to mask her true slooty self by wearing a too-short white sundress. She’ll probs finish the look with a pair of wedges and a red bandana in her hair (festive!). You can spot this girl from a mile away because, well, at the beginning of the night, everything about her will look perfect—curls intact, makeup looking flawless and dress still pristinely white. However, give this girl a few hours and a few too many VoSos, and she’ll be crying while simultaneously vomming on the bar’s bathroom floor. Of course, she’ll be doing all of this while also drunkenly attempting to make life-long besties with the other drunk girls in the bathroom. Pretty much, when you think of the sundress sorostitute, just think Tinsley Mortimer pre- and post-mug shot… but like, those two extremes all in one night.
One Piece Wonderwoman
This is the “cool girl” who can hang with the best of them, and she can do so alllll day long. She’s not to be confused with the bro-y, try-hard girl wearing a fratty “Back-to-back world champs” tank. Rather, she’ll be the one looking hot af and having fun, all while handling her shit. She’ll be the girl shotgunning beers, yet never manages to get to the point of blackout because her drinking tolerance is just that good. She’ll be dressed in a subtly hot one piece, paired with denim cutoffs and maybe some fun, but not over-the-top, 4th of July accessories. A seasoned vet in the art of day drinking, this bitch knows her one piece/denim cutoff combo is the ideal ensemble for her all day-party affairs. Oh, and you know she’ll def be getting a fire pic in her Gram-worthy outfit.
Images: @zonde / Unsplash; Giphy (2)