What You Should Be For Halloween Based On How Much You GAF

It’s finally October, which means it’s basically Halloween already. You know Whole Foods has been selling pumpkin spice cold brew and Rs bars since August anyway. Halloween means many wonderful things. As a kid, it meant dressing in elaborate costumes and gorging myself on as on as much candy corn as humanly possible, then knocking on different apartment doors to “trick or treat” because New York was lame. When I was in middle school I used to sew myself costumes styled after my favorite historical characters, like Lady Jane Grey being led off to her execution (check out the painting I styled it after for your edification), because I was weird af. Now, though, I don’t really care enough to buy myself a costume, let alone go effing sew something. I still dig the candy, though.

Anyway, by the time Halloween rolls around, I’m usually panicking because I have no freaking clue what I’m going to wear. And since Halloween usually means a whole weekend of parties aka at least three different costumes, that’s kind of a lot to make up on the spot. So, without further ado, here are some costume ideas with varying levels of effort so you don’t have to lose your sh*t 30 minutes before your party.

If You Do Everything As A Group & Need The Best Friend Insta…

For extra and highly put-together friend groups, order a costume and plan ahead. Duh. Do Clueless or Britney Spears in all her various outfits. Both are basic but classics for a reason, and that reason is that they look adorable in photos. Tbh, this is the category I always try to fall in, but lo and behold I did not plan, and suddenly I find myself in a flowery shorts and crop top set, trying to convince people that I am “Coachella.”

If you don’t want to necessarily order something but still dig the extra group vibe, you could be all the characters from Riverdale (preppy for Betty, that stupid hat thing for Jughead, red for Cheryl, etc…) or any other TV show where the characters essentially dress like normal people with a little extra flare because, like, it’s not that hard to come up with.

If You’re An Attention-Seeker Who Wants To Impress People

These take a little less planning but more effort because you to actually use your brain a little. If you want to seem intellectual but slutty, then find a sexy slip and tape little thoughts to it so you’re a Freudian slip.

If you feel like going a lil scary, cut up a white dress you don’t, like, actually care about and cover it with red paint and go as a murder victim. Tbh I tried to do this last year with red lipstick and it totally failed, so make sure to get actual paint.

Or, you could always pull a Regina George and just cut holes in your t-shirt and call it a day!

Regina George

If You Forgot To Order A Costume And Need Help ASAP

You didn’t think far enough ahead to order something but you don’t want to look lame either. Scrounge in your closet and get ~creative~.

If you miss the days when wearing a slutty kilt was part of your school uniform, see if you still have one (and if it still fits ripppp) and do Gossip Girl, Britney Spears in her slutty school girl video, or honestly just “slutty school girl” if you really can’t think of a good cultural phenomenon to justify why you’re wearing a high school kilt and a black bra.

Other basic but tried-and-true options for the desperate are: wear pink to be Regina George from Mean Girls and/or Elle from Legally Blond; find a little black dress and some costume jewelry to be Audrey; or wear 90s clothes and be someone from Friends.

If You Literally Hate Halloween

You really don’t care. You just don’t want to get yelled at for not following the “wear a costume!!!” theme. Try ordering one of the Shop Betches T-shirt dresses if you want to give everyone at the party a giant middle finger.

I'm A Mouse Duh

Shop Betches I’m A Mouse Duh Oversized T-Shirt Dress

Or, if you can’t get your shit together enough to order a freaking T-shirt, then so what I did last year: wear a black leather skirt, a black sports bra, and lots of glitter.  Tell people you’re either a rocker or the galaxy depending on your mood. No one will be able to guess your costume, so it’s a conversation starter at the very least.

But for the love of God, do come up with something. People that turn up to parties wearing a jeans and a crop top because they’re a “college student” (maybe this is funny if you’re not in college still, IDK) are actually so lame and everyone hates you. So don’t be that person.

Oh, and the only thing worse than a sucky costume is an offensive one. Please don’t be that person. Seriously.

K bye. Got to go find my own high school kilt for a party tonight. It’s never too early to start drinking  ~celebrating~ yet another pointless holiday that allows girls to dress like sluts, companies to rake in money by selling cheap polyester and alarmingly colored foods, and people to drink themselves half to death. Happy Halloween!!!

Imags: lizfanopoulos, coolhalloweencostumes / Instagram; Giphy (1); Shop Betches (1)