If you’re anything like me, someone who
is a mature adult treats their body like a trashcan, then you recognize the daily struggle that is doing whatever the fuck you want while also wanting to have a great body and great skin. Life’s hard when you want to get fucked up at Governors Ball but also look 100 years old in your Instagram story. Not that I would know. I did not go to Gov Ball, though I did spend the weekend going through mimosas like water and eating enough food to get me my own TLC reality show. That being said, I want to change. I want to be a new me. A better me. A me who puts actual vitamins and minerals into her system so her skin doesn’t resemble the entire slice of pizza she ate last night. So here’s a list of foods you should avoid like an ex-boyfriend sliding into your DMs and foods you should embrace because they’ll fix your fucking face. Damn, I’ve got bars.
DON’T: Eat Canned Food/Meats
Gross. As if. Like, who even eats canned meats anymore? Other than my ex from college who had this weird obsession with eating vienna sausages (which, in hindsight, should have been a red fucking flag that this kid was a sociopath. That and his Belk credit card that he was always bragging about). Canned and/or highly processed foods have a shit ton of sodium in them and causes your body to hold on to water, which is why your face is always puffy or you have bags under your eyes that can be seen from space, and your acne is at World War III proportions.
DO: Eat Salmon
Aside from giving you a reason to pretend to be a foodie and also be obnoxious on Instagram, eating salmon is a sure way to get better looking skin. Salmon is rich with omega-3 fatty acids and healthy fats. These fats reinforce cell membranes and nourish the skin to keep you looking fresh AF.
DON’T: Drink Green Juice
Lol just because you frequently say shit like #FitLife and #CleanEating on your IG does not mean you know wtf is good for you, because SURPRISE all those juices you’re drinking to “cleanse” your body are actually really fucking bad for you. Juices are sugary as hell, especially the green juices which can have up to 50 grams of sugar in them, which is actual sabotage when it comes to having clear skin.
^I imagine every fitstagrammer when the find out they’ve been pumping liquid sugar into their
DO: Drink A Protein Smoothie
Aside from having something to talk about with the hot trainer at your gym, protein smoothies can actually be beneficial for your skin. The more you know. Stay away from the juicer smoothies and opt for one with some protein in it. These types of smoothies are high in healthy fats and won’t leave your skin looking more ratchet than your Snap story last weekend.
DON’T: Eat Ice Cream
Okay, this one I saw coming. Nothing that tastes this good can be anything but sabotage on your body. And since I’m
not on my period rn in control of my body I guess I’m open to suggestions here. Ice cream is chock-full of sugar which can form this fun thing called advanced glycation end products which fucks up the protein in your body. Why is that important you may ask? Because the proteins it fucks with the most are the ones that keep your skin plump and springy looking. So basically eating ice cream is aging you. *steps into oncoming traffic*
DO: Eat Dark Chocolate
Dark chocolate aka the DUD of chocolates has a fuck ton of antioxidants in it, which is v good for your skin. So even though it tastes healthy and the whole time you’ll be wishing you were eating real chocolate with real flavor at least your skin will look good AF and be protected against wrinkles and other bad shit.
DON’T: Drink Coffee
HA HA HA HA this has to be some sort of sick joke. You want me to give up my
will to live caffeine? Do you also want me to commit homicide the next time someone replies all to a department email chain? DO YOU? This one is tough for me to wrap my brain around because coffee is literally one of the only reasons I get out of bed in the morning, and consequently, the reason you get to experience this sparkling personality. That being said, coffee is a diuretic (fake news I’m sure!) which causes your body to lose water and your skin to get v dehydrated. Stay away from this shit if you want glowy AF skin.
DO: Drink Hot Lemon Water
This replacement sounds about as good as the Republican’s plan for health care but that’s neither here nor there. Even though the prospect of drinking hot lemon water sounds about as enticing as sleeping with Jonathan The Tickle Monster, it’s actually super good for you. It’s hydrating, full of antioxidants, and gives some much needed support to your liver. Apparently, the liver is the main organ that detoxifies the body and if you’re full of toxins drinking on days that end in Y, you’re more likely to break out. Sighs. And this is why we can’t have nice things.
DON’T: Eat Bagels
Okay, I’m starting to feel personally victimized by this list. Like, is someone looking at my bank statement and seeing that I spend a large amount of my down time in coffee shops and/or bagel shops? Because I’m feeling really attacked rn. Apparently, bagels are “the worst for your skin” and can lead to “a cascade of hormones” aka acne breakouts for days. *prays this is fake news*
DO: Eat Non-Processed Carbs or Oats
Tbh I’d rather starve than eat something that resembles animal feed but I guess that’s the price we pay to look like the “after” girl in an acne commercial. Oats are the “right kind of carbs” probs because it looks miserable to eat and also because it’s high in antioxidants which we’ve established will not only give you clear/glowy skin but also fights against anti-aging.
DON’T: Drink Soda
To absolutely no one’s surprise except my own because I refuse to read labels written by
health professionals people who are out to destroy my happiness, soda is bad for you. And just because you drink diet soda doesn’t mean you’re safe. Because diet soda especially “disrupts the necessary and healthy bacteria found in your gut.” Also drinking any kind of soda can really fuck with your skin. Like, cause rosacea, eczema, and acne fuck with your skin. K. Just fuck me up rn then. Also, wtf am I supposed to order at the bar to go along with my vodka then? I can’t just drink vodka straight. I want to have clearer skin, not die.
DO: Drink Kombucha
Finally something that looks good on my Instagram story and isn’t going to fuck up my skin. About damn time. Basically Kombucha is good for you because it’s fermented, and therefore full of probiotics, which will solve all your life problems. I’m paraphrasing, but still. If you want clear skin by the time this weekend’s brunch rolls around then chug some of this and pretend like it’s
alcohol something you enjoy drinking.
So, in conclusion, anything that brings you joy is probably fucking up your skin and you should cut it from your diet ASAP. I am feeling #blessed rn that alcohol did not make the list, but that’s mostly because I refused to do any actual research that would prove otherwise. Who says you can’t make your own destiny? Listen, if all else fails and you
have no self control don’t want to sacrifice your happiness there’s always Facetune.