One of the reasons betches are constantly checking their social media, aside from constant boredom, is that without vigilant supervision, your social media accounts can go from cute beach selfies to total chaos in the span of like a few hours.
That’s because betches might be social media savvy, but we can’t always say the same for our billions of followers/friends/fans/secret admirers. All it takes is one “How you surviving work today after last night? ;)” post from someone you supposedly saw out at the bar on Tuesday night and boom, the floodgates of potential liability have opened. Was your post seen by a) your boss b) your parents c) your professors d) someone else in a position of authority or e) all of the above? If E is your final answer, keep reading to find out how to deal with this shit so you don’t lose your job, your trust fund, your A, or your tickets to the On the Run tour (that last one has probably happened to someone, somewhere?).
Put all adults on limited profile if you’re too stupid to have done that already. Your mom obv doesn’t know what a wall is anyway so she’s not going to notice that she can’t see yours.
When something compromising goes up on your Facebook/Twitter/whatever, the first thing you do is SHUT IT DOWN. Repeat after me: SHUT. IT. DOWN. Not like, shut down your account, but like def untag that photo of you making out with a guy at a bar while smoking a blunt A$AP Rocky.
The next thing you do is SHUT THAT BITCH DOWN. Repeat: Shut. That. Bitch…okay, you get it. Meaning, block the offending social media assassin from your insta, unfollow them on Twitter if they keep tweeting stupid shit at you, take away their power to tag you in photos without your approval first. If all those sound too passive aggressive to you just shoot them a text like “hey boo, if you upload one more picture of me with a beer bong I’ll be forced to use that photo of you urinating in public as my Christmas card next year!” It’s only blackmail if it doesn’t work.
If your family member saw it:
I can sense that you’re about to give a fuck, so before you do, just stop. Don’t. It’s your family, who cares? As long as your dad doesn’t watch a Vine of you wrecking the BMW he bought you, what are the real consequences? Aunt Ellen posts a 1,000 word essay on a completely different photo on why you should be “more responsible”? Fuck that. Someone’s gotta be the family fuckup but if the worst you’re doing is saying “fuck” in your statuses and the occasional Edward 40-hands, chances are it isn’t you. When you see Aunt Ellen at your next family reunion and she tries to get all high and mighty on you, gently remind her that unlike some people’s children in this family, you haven’t developed a heroin habit.
If you suspect your boss might be questioning your “professionalism”:
After you SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN, really all you can do is lay low. You don’t want to bring it up to your boss because there’s a chance they had no idea you were doing lines in the bathroom, plus that implies guilt anyway and betches never do that. Be on your best behavior and act how you normally would when your boss is mad at you. If he/she does approach you about it make sure you confess out how “extremely mortified” you are at your behavior and insist vehemently that that behavior “isn’t who you are,” and point out “all the steps you’re taking to remedy this problem,” like cutting down your Facebook checking to 34 times a day. For more tips on how to own up when you’ve fucked up, see: Justin Bieber’s most recent celebrity apology.
If your sorority standards committee is mad at you:
Just photoshop some Diet Coke cans over the beer and make that your default picture. Hey, somebody needs to gently remove the stick from those betches’ asses, why not you?
If you drunk posted something extremely cringe worthy:
Now I kno whart beyonce maent by drunk in loveeee!!11! Loll love myg irlz @becca @ Katie @satah <333333
^Take it down and never do that again.
That annoying girl in your church group would say that you shouldn’t be doing “risky” or “questionably legal” things in the first place, so it’s a good thing we didn’t ask her. I think it was Marilyn who said that everything in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening, and while we obv don’t condone that last one, the other two are fair game so long as you’re being discreet…ish.