While I love Christmas time and the music and decorations and all that stuff, I fucking hate Christmas itself. Specifically, I hate buying gifts for other people. It’s not really about spending the money on someone other than myself (though that’s definitely a drag), nor do I have a problem giving someone a gift that will make them happy. I hate it because gift-giving is almost entirely about the satisfaction of the gifter, not the giftee. There’s no ceiling for how smug you’re allowed to feel about giving someone an awesome present, but there’s definitely a threshold of excitedness that, should the receiver not reach it, makes them the asshole. I would have no problem neither buying nor receiving any gifts whatsoever, but that never works. In that situation, there’s always some cuntsucking defector who’s all “well, I just had to get you at least a little something,” And then you look like a piece of shit 100x over because not only did you not get them anything, but your lack of charity means your heart is black as coal.
Anyway, that’s all to say that like it or not, you’re probably in the midst of buying presents for people, some of them men. Here are some of my humble suggestions for gifts for the bros in your life.
For the Couch Potato Bro
“Breaking Bad: The Complete Series” – I never really got into this show, but I know I’m in the minority. People lose their shit over this show, and really lazy devotees will want to watch the entire thing again and again. Sure the whole show is available on Netflix for the what, $9 per month? Pish, do you want your boyfriend to propose, or what? For the modest price of $474, you get the entire season’s worth of DVDs packaged in this cute little barrel-looking thing. IT EVEN HAS AN APRON. Think of all the free meth he’ll cook up with this savvy investment!
Buy it at Amazon.com
For the Kitchen Bro
Mundial 8” Chef’s Knife – Lots of bros have gotten into cooking in the last decade, which is cool I guess. It’s cheaper, healthier and a fine hobby all its own. What’s not cool is when amateur wannabe chefs spend their entire life’s savings on “professional” kitchen equipment they could never possibly need. An everyday kitchen knife needs to be sharp and nothing else, like this one that only costs eighteen goddamned dollars. The next time a guy invites you to check out his $300 Japanese forged steel deba knife, toss it into the fucking $600 Vitamix blender he just “had” to buy, and hand him this instead. As a bonus, you can use it to stab anyone who openly refers to themselves as a “foodie.”
Buy it at CulinaryDistrict.com
For the Insufferable Music Snob Bro
The ION iLP Digital Conversion Turntable – The sad, loathsome truth is that music really does tend to sound better on vinyl, what with it being analog and not digital. The problem with vinyl is that you can’t take it on the go, though I’m sure some enterprising sack of shit hipster douches have tried. For $99, this thing converts analog records to mp3s, providing two benefits: One, it gives your guy the opportunity to listen to his shitty records on technology that wasn’t invented in the 19th century. Two, you can enjoy watching him weep during the conversion, lamenting the compression rate and imperceptible loss of fidelity. Anyone who actually needs this thing can go jump in a lake.
Buy it at BestBuy.com
For the Not Insufferable Bro who Just Likes Music
The DECK Wireless Speaker System by SOL REPUBLIC – I have one of these, and it kicks all sorts of ass. It’s bluetooth, meaning you can take it anywhere and enjoy it as long as you have a bluetooth enabled device (like your phone) with music on it (or Pandora, or Spotify, or whatever the fuck). In the $199 range, you won’t find better sound quality from anything made by Bose or that gay little Beats by Dre “pill” thing. What’s coolest about it is that it has a “heist” feature, meaning anyone who connects to it can take over as DJ if you allow it. It can accommodate up to five inputs at once, much like an accomplished sexworker.
Buy it at BestBuy.com
For the Style-Conscious Bro
A Made-To-Measure Shirt by ManuelRacim – I’ve ordered suits and shirts through places like Indochino.com before, and it’s always a toss up. You have to do your own measurements, so if you fuck it up things go pear-shaped in a hurry. ManuelRacim offers the same (if not better) quality while taking the fuck-up element out of the equation. Instead of doing it yourself, you have to go in and get professionally measured by them before your first order. They’ll keep your measurements on file, so after that you can go crazy ordering online. We may not worry about clothes as much as you do, but I can tell you that, as a man, nothing makes you feel like a million bucks like a tailored shirt. Shirts start at around $150, so plan your gift box accordingly.
Buy a gift certificate at ManuelRacim.com
For the Bro who Has Everything
A Subscription to BespokePost.com – You know how you girls like to oder shit from Glossybox, BirchBox, etc? Yeah, well, because masculinity is dead they have those things for guys now too. for $45 per month, he gets a new box every month and has the option to “skip” (without being charged) if he doesn’t like what’s in it. The things that come in the boxes are all over the map – one month it might be shaving or skincare products, craft liquor the next, cigars, etc. Basically everything the fedora-wearing crowd needs to feel like a MANLY MAN despite being under the impression that the vagina is located somewhere on the front of the body. And, ok, some of this stuff looks pretty nice. This would be really nice for your dad, your brother, or just a boyfriend who doesn’t think you notice that he sneaks your expensive skin shit.
Set up a subscription at BespokePost.com