Netflix officially renewed You for a fourth season, which means that unfortunately, we’re all in for at least one more year of “lol Joe Goldberg is a serial killer but he’s so hot???” posts littering our timelines. If you ask me, Penn Badgley’s character’s inability to take a god damn chill pill is only one of his many red flags, but I’m tired of trying to convince you people to stop thirsting over this literal psychopath. Joe is as judgmental as they come, and throughout the series, justifies literal murder but throws shade at vegans and mommy bloggers. Honestly, nobody is safe from this hater’s wrath, and that includes you. After a quick glance at your social media accounts, here’s what this killer with great bone structure would roast you for based on your zodiac sign. (Side note: He’d definitely rip on anyone who even entertains astrology.)
Another Instagram challenge? Yikes. Being the “leader” of the zodiac doesn’t mean you need to keep trying to convince your followers to follow your lead and share a new song to their stories every day for a month, draw a cartoon orange, or participate in your quirky daily polls. This was the kind of thing you got a pass for back in March 2020, when we had nothing to do but stare at our phones and try to avoid the news. If you truly insist on beating all of Instagram’s engagement tools to death, perhaps try mixing in the fundraiser sticker every now and then?
Ah, a fellow book lover. You have an entire Instagram highlight of book recommendations… but, what’s this? They’re screenshots of audiobooks!? It’s great that you find comfort in listening to stories, but that’s hardly reading, dear Taurus. We can fix that, though. Soon, you’ll also be lurking through bookstores and staring at innocent strangers through the shelves.
You’re obsessed with going live on Instagram and TikTok under the guise of sharing information with anyone who tunes in, but in reality, it’s just another opportunity to hear yourself talk. Even though you keep saying, “Let’s just wait for a few more people to join,” you don’t even really care how many viewers there are, because it’s the one occasion where you can gab without being interrupted. If you could add a little substance, you might actually be onto something.
Dear Cancer, did you know that you can view your Instagram and Facebook memories without reposting them almost every single day? Nobody wanted to watch that blurry concert video in 2018, and they sure don’t want to see it again now. It’s not your fault you’re so sentimental… Maybe after creating some real, meaningful memories, you’ll have a less superficial way to sit in that nostalgia.
You already know what I’m going to say, Leo. Sure, social media is inherently narcissistic, but you take it to new levels with a never-ending stream of selfies and professional and personal touts. Yes, that humblebrag boomerang of you clinking espresso martinis with a friend captioned “cheers to my promotion” still counts. With that said, Van Gogh and Frida Kahlo left behind self portrait legacies, so maybe there’s hope for you, too?
Your Instagram grid is full of flawlessly edited photos. It’s clear you’ve put a lot of effort into painstakingly crafting your aesthetic. It would be a shame if someone were to… oh, I don’t know… scroll down far enough to discover that this is the third time you’ve purchased new Lightroom presets from some random influencer this year alone. Still, your indecisiveness is a challenge in and of itself, and Joe would love nothing more than to try to get you to commit to something for once in your life.
Meticulous and observant, Virgo, you are the sign most tortured by the order in which Instagram lists the people who have viewed your story. Because of this, you’re a master of knowing when to keep your content limited to a carefully curated (and always changing) close friends list. Joe wouldn’t roast you one bit in the beginning; until, of course, he realizes that all of the things you do mirror his insane tendencies, at which point he’d get bored of you and set his sights on someone new, just as he did to Love.
Hands down, the most annoying thing about trying to cyberstalk a Scorpio is that you give so little to work with. Even the occasional “Scorpio has posted for the first time in a while” push notifications lose their luster after a while, when it’s clear that it’s just going to be another random photo of like, a tree with a cryptic caption. To be fair, though, Joe would probably love trying to decipher a slew of uncommonly used emojis, even if he hates the concept of them in the first place.
A photo of yourself in front of the Eiffel Tower from the year you studied abroad… posted in celebration of… Earth Day? It’s a misguided decision at best, but Joe would actually let it slide because he would realistically love the fact that you document every move you make on social media, never missing the opportunity to throw down a location tag.
Hello, yes, just dropping in for a quick wellness check on that journal you post a photo of every Monday with a caption that’s some variation on the phrase: “Let’s do this.” Productivity isn’t really a personality trait, and posting about your to-do list doesn’t help actually check anything off of said to-do list. Maybe it’s time to actually try the Pomodoro Technique instead of just sharing infographics about it.
Is it absolutely necessary to spend all of your time proving that you are more online than the rest of the world? Your Instagram Stories are literally just a clusterfuck of Twitter screenshots, TikToks, and reposts from all of the randomly themed finstas you somehow find the time to run. However, there’s one social media habit you have that would make Joe sweat, and it’s your obsession with finding minuscule details and learning about conspiracy theories. That’s not great for him for obvious reasons!
There is no concrete evidence to support this, but it’s probably likely that the little green circle that exposes when you’re active on Instagram was created by someone who wanted to keep tabs on a Pisces. You’re an expert procrastinator who loves to watch videos of weird shit like goats wearing sweaters when you should be doing something else, and anyone who is trying to get ahold of you goes absolutely nuts when they see you being incredibly active on social media while their text goes unread. The good news is, if Joe were to ever kidnap you, he’d probably have a hard time keeping that little green dot visible, and although you’re notoriously hard to reach, your friends would probably suspect something is up soon enough.
Images: John P. Fleenor / Netflix; Giphy (12)