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What I Imagine The Trump Jury Selection Questions Will Be

The task of choosing a jury for any of Trump’s varying indictments seems impossible, for one very obvious reason: jurors aren’t supposed to have a prior opinion on the defendant. And if you’re thinking, “Well, I know plenty of people who don’t have a prior opinion on Donald J. Trump,” you most likely work at a daycare.

Nonetheless, the trial must move forward. There must be some people out there who qualify for the jury —and these are the questions that will help us find them.

Former President Trump Attends Iowa Campaign Events

What I Imagine The Trump Jury Selection Questions Will Be

Have you ever heard of Donald J. Trump?

Okay, sure. We’ve all heard of him, that’s fine.  But do you have an opinion on Donald Trump?

Really? No opinion at all?

Neither positive nor negative? Though most likely (statistically speaking) negative?

Do you want to hear my opinion? Because I have a lot of thoughts.

You’re really not curious? Legally, I can’t tell you anyway, but I just think it’s interesting. That you don’t care.

I assume you’re white, right?

I mean, when the pandemic happened, and some people were drinking bleach because the President told them to, were you ever like, “Who said that? And why?”

So you’re not on social media?

But do you not use the internet at all?

Have you ever turned on a television?

Or walked outside?

Or had a conversation with someone?

You mostly talk to dogs? Because my dog hates Trump.

Oh, wait, I’m not supposed to say my opinion on him. Well, my dog came to that conclusion independently — it’s not a reflection of how I feel.

Really, no opinion on Trump? I feel like a scientist should study you. 

What do you think about in the shower?

I mean no judgment, but how?

So I have to imagine that you had the same amount of hair seven years ago as you do now, is that correct?

I imagine you don’t spend a lot of time wondering if your exes are engaged, do you?

I’m noticing now that your apartment is devoid of SSRIs.

Can I have your therapist’s number?

Oh, thanks, you’re going to get it off your phone now.

Hold on….

That’s your phone??

You have a flip phone!

Do they even still sell these, or is this the one you got in 2006?

That explains everything.

You’re totally, blissfully free.

You’ve won at life.

All of your choices are good.

Congratulations, you get to serve on the jury for the trial of the century.

Ginny Hogan
Ginny Hogan
Ginny Hogan is a writer/stand up comedian. She's the author of "I'm More Dateable than a Plate of Refried Beans," and the host of "Raising Questions."