Is your sex life getting staler than that box of Special K you bought when Obama was still in office? Is your boyfriend still jack-hammering away with all the imagination of a DMV worker? Well Cosmo is the place to turn, right? RIGHT? Just like listening to your drunk grandpa tell you about all the tail he pulled at Woodstock, Cosmo’s sex advice is best taken with a sizable grain of salt. “I’ve got a life to lead and orgasms to achieve! Get to the point bro!” Alright, alright. Keep your Lululemons on. I’m still working on my first cup of coffee. Grab your Rabbits and rosé, it’s time to run down some Cosmo sex tips.
“Workout together and then bone. Get those endorphins going before you get each other going. Meow!”
In theory, this sounds great. But in reality, not so much. You ever smell a locker room on a humid summer day? Now imagine that locker room has a penis and that penis is on a sweaty collision course with your vagina. Yea, it’s a no from me. If your guy goes hard at the gym (which I’m guessing he does because you only date the best, obvi) he probably smells worse than the bathroom line at Coachella. Instead of hopping off the treadmill and into the sack, I’d recommend a couple’s shower with a little foreplay first. That way you can enjoy that runner’s high without losing your lunch.
“Use your tongue to stimulate other, non-penis parts of your partner, like his inner thigh or right above his crotch. Your mouth in that general neighborhood will heighten all his nerves, making the actual BJ-sitch all the more exciting.”
I always thought the whole delayed gratification, tease-before-you-please shtick was a bunch of BS until a girlfriend casually blew my mind one night, and wow, was I wrong. As much as men just want you to stick it in your mouth, the resulting BJ after using this technique is damn near revolutionary. Easily 50-1,000% better, according to scientific calculations. And for girls that aren’t the biggest fans of giving head, I can guarantee he will finish faster, meaning less work for you and more pleasure for him. It’s a win-win.
“Slip a donut around his dick, then eat it off”
Every time I accidentally bite my lip I want to throw my plate, my food, and myself right out a 10-story window. So no, I don’t want teeth on or around my dick area at all. Does this really need an explanation? Nothing is less sexy than an impromptu circumcision. While you’re at it, why not blow him with a cup of coffee in your mouth to really ruin his life? Even in the best-case scenario, I end up covered in glaze and not the kind I expected or asked for. Hard pass on this doughnut debacle. Keep the food in the fridge where it belongs.
“Spice up missionary with this classic twist. Try stacking a few pillows underneath your butt before your partner enters via peen or strap-on. This totally changes up the angle and offers *~ deeper ~* penetration.”
Cosmo is right on the money with this one. People are always attempting outlandish shit in the bedroom without trying to just improve on the classics. If you think the deeper the better, then the pillow trick is for you. If you’re really trying to get crazy, have him throw your legs over his shoulders for even deeper penetration. This is probably already has some catchy name like “union of the pigeon” or “the tantric trombone,” but I figured I’d include it anyway.
“House Party: The rules are simple: no one orgasms until you’ve boned in every room of the house.”
So then right after boning we gotta bust out the Windex and wipe down the whole house? I think I’ll be happier not getting sweat stains on every surface, thanks. The great thing about a bed is you can throw the sheets in the washer when you’re done. How are you going to get into a groove if you’re too focused on not making a mess? Also, thanks Cosmo for reminding my girlfriend that I live in a studio apartment and putting me on blast. Real chill. Unless you’re gonna foot the bill for extra bedrooms, kindly stop throwing shade.
“Not So Fast: Lie naked in bed and have your guy stand at the doorway to the bedroom. Test how well he knows you by asking him questions about yourself – they can range from sexy (what’s your favorite position) to personal (name your dream vacation spot). Once he correctly answers enough questions to reach the bed, go at it. The teasing aspect will drive up his lust, and he’ll also learn new things about you.”
What fresh hell is this? This sounds like a great way to interrogate suspected criminals, not tantalize your partner. Getting quizzed by your S.O. about personal details can be intimidating over dinner, let alone when you’re at half-mast and swinging in the breeze. Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve got a pretty bad memory when I have a boner. Yes, we love knowing all there is to know about you, but no one enjoys being put on the spot. Remember when the teacher would randomly call on you in class and you’d desperately try to stammer out the quadratic equation? Same thing here, except you’re butt-ass naked and there’s no excitable mathlete to bail you out. Just play this game with pants on the next time you’re Ubering to brunch.
“This is So Wrong: Don’t risk full on public sex, but do test the limits of how kinky you can get outside of your apartments with low-key things like: 1) Hooking up in your friend’s bathroom at a house party. 2) Hook up with the door open while your roommate is home.”
Low-key? There’s nothing low-key about banging in a friend’s bathroom. I’d like my towel rack to remain HPV free, thank you very much. Unless you’ve run out of ways to try and get out of the friendship, don’t hook up in a friend’s house without their permission. If you’re absolutely determined to be a degenerate, bathroom bang at a rando’s house where you don’t care about the consequences. But don’t come crying to me when y’all both get tossed out on your bare asses. Smh.
And now for suggestion two. Are you trying to wage psychological warfare on your roommate? I’m sure she’ll really appreciate coming home after a long day at work and trying to watch Better Call Saul over the sounds of your guttural moaning. The only thing this is good for is getting your ass evicted and/or passive-aggressively reminding her that she’s single af. Be a human being and shut the damn door.
Images: Giphy (2)