What Do I Do If I See My Boyfriend’s Ex Is Texting Him? Ask A Pro

Been a busy week, so here’s an extra-large helping of Ask a Pro for your consumption. Just kidding, betches don’t consume anything extra-large except for my…. nope, not gonna do it. Enjoy.

Dear Head Pro,

I'm in a (temporarily) LDR, but I still enjoy going out with my friends. When a guy starts talking to me at the bar, when is the right time to say I have a boyfriend? I feel presumptuous leading with it, but I also don't want to lead anyone on.

That’s a tough one, because even if it’s “presumptuous,” you know goddamn well why guys are talking to you. I wouldn’t lead with it, but I’d say sooner rather than later. Sometimes, guys really do just want to make idle chitchat or have an exchange with a cute girl in their vicinity. But I would say that if it gets to where he’s offering to buy you a drink, or is clearly “locking in” to hit on you for the long haul, make your status known. You’re saving time for both of you, and if you aren’t interested in him, who cares if you ruffle his feathers?

No need to be really bitchy, but do be firm. Just say “that’s really nice of you, but I do have a boyfriend so I’m going to have to decline.” And then get out of there, because with some guys, if they can’t see your boyfriend they’ll keep trying anyway.

Dearest Head Pro,

I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 months.  I've noticed that his most recent ex has sent him texts a few times recently. I don't know the nature of the texts since I haven't snooped – I'm not a BSCB – I've just seen her name pop up on his phone's lock screen. He's given me no other reason to think he's shady, so my gut feeling is that there's no need to pry, but I'm worried because I've been totally blindsided by boys dating other girls/hooking up with exes behind my back in the past.

I really don't want this relationship to go sour, since I'm 26 and it happens to be the first serious post-college relationship I've been involved in – traveling to meet parents/friends, essentially living together, and (gag, I know) Facebook official.  So, TL;DR – is a boyfriend texting an ex a big deal? Is it even worth bringing up?


Scotty Doesn't Know

If you have no other reason to suspect him of anything licentious, then you’re probably fine. It’s weird to me when people try to be actual friends with their exes, but if they dated for a while it’s not unreasonable to think that they might still have things in common/to talk about from time to time. It’s normal (and harmless) for people to encounter things that remind them of exes, and texts are an easy (and harmless) way to say “hey, I saw this and it reminded me of you. Thought you might enjoy it.”

The thing to watch out for is frequency. If they start as intermittent and become more regular, it’s possible there’s some bullshit afoot. Even if he’s not actually doing anything shady, it could be a sign his mind is wandering elsewhere – her vagina, to be exact. Otherwise, it’s fine. People are so much more connected now than when we were growing up that you have to remember that the way we interact with people in our past and present have changed, too.

Dear Head Pro,

So I recently broke up with this SAB that I was dating for a while and now I'm ready to move on. So all my friends had been talking about how hilarious Tinder is so I decided to give it a go. I ended up texting and then eventually meeting up with this hot Pro. We grabbed drinks and had an awesome time just talking, etc. and the night ended with just a hug. Then a few days later we decided to hang out again at my place. Very soon after he got there, while we were watching TV he started rubbing my hand and stomach and just getting very touchy feely. It was very forward, not in a creepy way but like I knew he wanted to hook up, which I was fine with since I'm still trying to get over my ex and just want something casual. So we started hooking up and got just to 3rd base, and I asked if he had a condom and he said “no, we don't have to have sex” even though I told him I had one we could use. Anyways so I just went with it and when he finished and were just talking and he said he doesn't like to have sex with someone the first time hooking up, he thinks is “skeevy” (what).

So I'm just confused, does he really think that? Or is there something he's not telling me? Because I feel that that's a weird thing for a guy to do to not want to go the distance. And sure there are some nice guys out there who like to take it slow, but I'd say 3rd base on a 2nd date is hardly slow.
What do I make of this??


Frustrated Betch

Well, for one thing the guy sounds like Fred Armisen’s character in “Euro Trip” (mi scusi, mi scusi). But, no, what you experienced isn’t completely unusual. The issue is that the two of you have divergent notions of what it means to “take it slow.” For him, it obviously means not having sex but doing anything else. For you, I guess, it’s both something with a different meaning and something in which you aren’t all that interested. Which, ok, that’s fine, really. It could be much worse. At least you have a guy who a) obviously is attracted to you and b) “respects” you enough to say “hey, I’d like to hold off on the sexing until this plays out a little, cool?”

I agree though, it’s dumb for him to have no problem using the inside of your vagina to reset his wristwatch while at the same time getting spooked by good, old fashioned ugly-bumping. A lot of guys (a lot of people, really) decide there needs to be a progression of sorts from base to base, even if it happens kind of quickly. My guess is that within the next time or two you go out, he’ll be down.

Finally, if you’re really intent on simply getting over your ex, be careful using this guy to do it. It sounds like he has more than a passing interest in you, so fucking him (which, remember, is apparently important to him) might get you stuck somewhere you don’t want to be. If you just want a phallic distraction, I would say go on something tind… Oh, goddamit.

Congrats, every other girl on tinder hates you now.


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