What Are You Thankful For? Weekly Horoscopes November 25-29

Not only is it Thanksgiving week, but we’ve officially entered into Sagittarius season. This season is all about being open, trying new things, and going with the goddamn flow. Basically, eat whatever is presented to you at the Thanksgiving table, unless it’s one of those weird 1950s “salads” with jello in it. Some things are not worth the new experience.


This week, you’re using your break to gear up for 2020 and crush those end of year goals. Get relaxed now so that you can come back next week ready to kill it at every holiday party this year and network, network, network. Hell, you can even get a head start this Thanksgiving by actually listening to your weird cousin as he tries to explain his new cryptocurrency business. Just be sure he doesn’t convince you to actually invest. He’s definitely using the money for weed.


You’ve been laying low at home the past few weeks, Taurus, but now it’s time to break free. Sure, “leaving the house” and “Thanksgiving” don’t usually go hand in hand, but there are tons of opportunities to stretch your wings and explore if you look for them. Hit up your local hometown bar (and try to hook up with that cute guy who sat in front of you in sophomore algebra), take a “walk” with your cousins (that is actually you just smoking weed), or be the one to volunteer for a grocery store run when Aunt Roseanne gets drunk and spills wine on all the sides. Opportunities abound, if you look for them!


Ow-ow! You’re feeling sexy this week, Gemini, and what’s sexier than Thanksgiving? Okay, don’t answer that. But don’t give up hope! Whether it be swiping through dating apps in your hometown to find out who’s hot now, or hooking up with bae in your childhood bedroom, you’ll find a way to get some sexy time in, even with all the family bonding and sh*t. Just make sure you lock it down before Thanksgiving dinner and not after. Food comas are a real libido killer.


For once in your life, your walls are actually coming down. So what are you going to do with your new, vulnerable self? You are primed for some real family time now that questions about your future, love life, and recent weight gain aren’t going to make you want to tear your hair out. Or, at least, they’ll make you want to tear your hair out slightly less than normal. Enjoy this opportunity to really go deep with extended family. You never know which wealthy great aunt is just dying to leave her fortune to anyone who will actually listen to her stories. Just sayin’…


Can a health kick and Thanksgiving go together? You’re about to find out, Leo! The stars are telling you to get back on your fitness, but the calendar is telling you it’s time to eat everything and never move. What’s a poor lion to do? Try to balance these two desires by paying attention to portion size, rather than denying yourself your favorite Thanksgiving treats. Oh, and there’s a little thing called “running” that anyone can do, anywhere, any time. No gym required. The world is your treadmill!


Thank God for a much-needed break, Virgo. You’ve been running on fumes, and now it’s time to relax and restore. The stars are giving you full permission to be your best holiday self, aka be lazy as f*ck. If you end up not leaving your parents’ house for a full five days, so be it. And if anyone asks why you haven’t moved in 48 hours, tell them you’re reflecting on the true meaning of Thanksgiving, then close your eyes and pretend to meditate.


You’re officially in the holiday spirit and dying to spread good cheer to those around you. There’s still time to throw a last-minute friendsgiving, and there’s definitely time to start planning the greatest holiday party of all time. If you’re not in a place where you can entertain guests (hi, railroad apartment with seven roommates), find something you can contribute to get your family celebrations really poppin’. Suuuuper strong eggnog, anyone?


Your season has finally come to a close, but that’s okay because holiday season is upon us! You’re hot off your birthday month and feeling flirty, so now is the perfect time to lock down your date for any holiday events coming up (and secure one more person who will have to buy you a present). Keep your eyes open and be ready for the right person to pop up in the most unexpected of places. Who knows? They could be right across from you at Thanksgiving! Okay wait, no. That’s your cousin…


Welcome to your season, Sagittarius! Time to live your best life and be your best damn self. And what better way to do that than by reigniting your love life, just in time for cuffing season? Archers in a relationship should focus on what they love about their partner. Are they a good travel buddy? Great with your little cousins? Or maybe you’re just grateful for that D. All valid foundations for a relationship.


Get ready to be the Queen of Thanksgiving, Capricorn! You thrive in situations where you have to turn forced family fun into real family fun, so everyone will be looking to you for basically everything. Your sides are on point. Your pie crust is poppin’. Your turkey is succulent as hell. Just try not to outshine Aunt Martha’s cranberry sauce too much. Making it is like, low-key the highlight of her year.


The universe has gifted you with some rose-colored glasses just in time of the holidays, Aquarius, and thank God for that! For one whole week, you’ve gained the ability to see all of your family’s annoying quirks as funny quirks, which is a superpower worth more than flight, invisibility, and telekinesis combined. Grandpa’s stories aren’t long, they’re epic! Mom’s pre-dinner freakout isn’t frustrating, it’s endearing. And Uncle Mark’s racially charged rant is…well…it’s still a racially charged rant. But this time you’ll have the energy to calmly explain why he’s wrong instead of losing your sh*t and flipping the table Real Housewives style. And at least that’s something!


You’re in the mood to celebrate the true meaning of Thanksgiving this year, Pisces, and no, I don’t mean blacking out on fancy wine and eating an entire pie by yourself. I mean being f*cking thankful! You’ll feel the best coming out of this holiday if you actually find ways to incorporate giving thanks into your day, whether it be by making a point to tell your sister you appreciate her contouring tips, or by giving your 13-year-old cousin props for learning to use deodorant this year. Make those mental props, though. Acknowledging it out loud might embarrass him and cause him to regress.

Images: Charles DeLoye / Unsplash; Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.