WFH: Betchy Linguistics

It’s a sad, but very real, truth that working is an inevitable part of a betch’s post-grad life. While it’s unacceptable to be poor, we would never do actual labor in order to earn money. At times it’s pretty hard to believe that someone would hire us while we possess so many unredeemable qualities—like our alcoholism, (lack of) work ethic, and chronic lateness, to name a few. But alas, a betch is only worth the quality of bullshit she’s able to deliver and this leads us to landing a 9-5 job in a superficial industry thanks to our Pinterest-inspired resumes and father’s connections.

This is when we realize that the worst part of having a job is being expected to, like, actually work. The fact that just waking up at 7 am every day isn’t enough “work” for an employer is beyond me, but I digress. However, you’ll discover early on one of the most beautiful workforce loopholes: WFH. WFH, or ‘working from home’ for our collegiate and funemployed readers, is the selfless act of sparing your coworkers from your hangover cold by working from home. It’s an unspoken rule among young professionals not to actually fucking bother one of your WFH coworkers with projects or questions, because clearly they are on their couch smoking weed and nursing a debilitating hangover.

WFH makes you come across selfless to your boss by offering to be on-call even though “suffering through a104 degree fever.” But know that all your co-workers are talking shit about you because they actually know what you’re doing, or not doing rather. If you do have to be on a conference call you put that shit on speaker/mute while you Facebook stalk your ex and reload the bong. You’re getting paid for a full workday while operating at around 15% productivity—and that’s what’s fucking up. If every day of “work” could involve not talking to anyone, not wearing pants, and watching Friends we would be Mark Zuckerburg by now. In the words of the queen of doing nothing, April Ludgate, “Hard work doesn’t pay off.” So email your supervisor and pull the Karen “*cough cough* I’m sick” and thank us when your paycheck doesn’t reflect your efforts.


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