Welcome To Spooky Season: Weekly Horoscopes October 5-9

The universe is ringing in spooky season the best way it knows how: by turning us all into monsters. With Mars in Aries squaring up with Pluto in Capricorn, it’s basically inevitable that you’re going to be the most ghoulish version of yourself. Don’t be surprised if the anger that’s been simmering in your emotional cauldron bubbles up this week, or if you start throwing out curses like it’s nobody’s business. Blame it on that virgin who lit the black flame candle…


You know what’s really scaring people this week? Your temper. Coworkers beware, because with Mars retrograding in your sign and Pluto firing up your career sector you have absolutely zero time for slackers, bullsh*tters, and people who still haven’t figured out how to put themselves on mute. Honestly you might wanna draft up an “I’m sorry for my tone at the morning meeting” email now. You’re gonna need it.


Your dreams will quickly become a Nightmare on Elm Street if you keep letting your practical nature hold you back from taking risks, Taurus! Mars and Venus are both super-charging your imagination this week, which could go one of two ways. Either you let the inspiration flow and let your creative self take charge, or you spin out on an anxiety spiral about everything that could go wrong. Might I suggest the former?


Time to finally face the monster under your bed, aka commitment. A relationship might be on the precipice of getting serious, or being trapped limbo forever. Now is the time to decide what it is you want, or to let the relationship go into the light. Rest in peace, former fling. You will be missed.


Oh the horror! Your personal and professional life are about to get frighteningly tangled. This fight to the death that’s raging inside you *could* lead you to bring your demons home with you, turning you into a true monster to be around. Check yourself, before you need to The Exorcist yourself.


Is a nefarious no-gooder taking advantage of your generosity? Really think about it. This week, there could be a villain in your midst. If you want to survive, you’re gonna need to really take a step back and see the relationship for what it is. Chances are someone might be pulling the Scream mask over your eyes.


While everyone else is getting hot-headed, you’re getting hot bedded, thanks to Mars and Pluto. (Seriously, thank them.) You may be feeling a strong urge to jump your partner at every turn, or a new, intense attraction to someone in your circle. Just make sure Michael Myers isn’t hiding in the corner watching you do the deed. We all know how that turns out…


Fall activities? Yes please! The mashup of Pluto and Mars has you looking for an adventure, and in October that can only mean one thing: pumpkin patches (and spiced lattes), apple picking, corn mazes, and maybe even checking out a haunted house, if you dare. Basically, get all the outdoor activities in that you can before it gets cold and COVID returns to seek her revenge.


The call is coming from inside the house, Scorpio! This week, you’re that weird loner hanging out on the playground who everyone *thinks* is the killer, but really you’re just tired and like wearing black. You may find yourself wanting to keep to yourself this week and fly solo, which is totally fine. People in groups are always easier to pick off, anyway.


Proceed with caution, Sagittarius! Things may not be as they seem. This week, you may find yourself feeling like something is not right, meaning it might be good to take a second or even third look at things. Remember, slow and steady wins the race (and also survives until the end of the movie).


Mars and Pluto have you focused on casa Capricorn this week. It’s time to get into the spooky season spirit. Adorn your living room with fake cobwebs, ceramic ghosts, and one of those motion-sensing witches that will scare the sh*t out of your roommate every time they go to the bathroom. If they don’t appreciate it, tell them to get in the holiday spirit. Happy Halloween!


We know what you did last summer, Aquarius. No need to hide it. This week, you might find yourself in trouble from being too secretive with those closest to you, which actually makes you look sketchy as f*ck. Of course, everyone is entitled to their privacy, but people can usually tell when something is up. See also: everything the White House has said for the past five days.


Who would you bring to your cabin in the woods? This is the perfect week to look at your inner circle. You know, the people you’d want on your team to fight against whatever impending doom will surely befall us by the end of 2020. Anybody who you wouldn’t trust to tell you they’ve been bitten by one of the zombies can see themselves out. No need to waste your rations on that sh*t.

Images: Giphy (12)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.