Trust No One: Weekly Horoscopes For September 17-21

Heads up, Uranus and Mars are acting insane this week, and they’re turning you into a crazy person. Think twice before making any rash decisions and, for the love of God, run any late night Insta stories by your most levelheaded friend. You’ll be grateful that you did, trust me. Here are your weekly horoscopes for September 17-21.


Repeat after me: Put. The. Amex. Down. Your mind wants to go on a spending spree this week that your (already maxed out) credit card can’t handle. Resist the urge to hit “proceed to checkout.” Don’t pop into that cute little boutique just to “try stuff on.” And whatever you do, do not—I repeat, do not—even look at Sephora. Nothing good can come of it. 


Um… there’s no delicate way to put this, Taurus, but you’re horny as hell this week. It’s fine. It’s natural. Just make sure you don’t scare the object of your affections away with this intense thirstiness. There’s nothing wrong with remaining a little mysterious. And, as always, please remember to cut your face out of any nudes before sending.


This week you’re at risk of falling for someone’s bullsh*t, so keep on high alert, Gemini. Whether it be the date who had to cancel last minute because his sister’s cat was sick (again), the frenemy who said she only screenshotted your latest snap for “style inspo”, or the coworker who keeps accidentally-on-purpose taking credit for your work, people are testing you this week. Don’t fall for it. Demand to see the receipts. Be that b*tch.


Hmmm okay Cancer, are you a mixture of sweet preserves made from fruit that people spread on toast? Because this week you are jelly. (See what I did there?) This week is full of jealousy and suspicion for you, Cancer, so do what you can to limit your Instagram intake. The scroll will absolutely f*ck you up. And when you’re having a hard time not losing your sh*t over Megan from middle school’s beach bod in Mykonos, remember: no one’s life is actually as good as it looks on social media.


Your hard work is going to pay off this week, Leo, you just have to show the f*ck up. You’re poised for big things to happen with your career, so this is not the time to call out sick or slack off. You want to make sure you’re right in the boss’ face while they’re looking for who to give the next big opportunity to, so pop an Emergen-C and get to work.


To cancel plans, or not to cancel plans? That is the question facing you this week, Virgo. On the one hand, you’ve filled your plate with tons of obligations you can’t get out of. On the other hand, you’ve got a strong urge to say “f*ck it!” and cancel everything in favor of a Netflix binge. They key will be finding a balance. Take a good look at your schedule and decide what things have to happen this week, and what can be procrastinated away. You’ll get that binge in, we promise.


You’re feeling glam this week, Libra, so embrace it. The urge for a personal brand update is strong, so why not give in and treat yo’self to a personal makeover. A blowout, a facial, or just trying out some new hair and makeup tutorials on YouTube could help you to finally feel like your outsides and your fabulous insides are in sync.


You’re antisocial this week, Scorpio, and that’s fine. We all need time to recharge, and you’ve been Queen Bee-ing it socially all month. No wonder you’re exhausted. Do yourself a favor and drop out of those weekend plans now so you can make room in your schedule for what you really want: a face mask and reruns of The Office. Your friends will still be there once the weekend is over, we promise.


IDK how to say this nicely, Sagittarius, but this week you really need to shut the f*ck up. Your communication skills (which are usually on point, btw) are totally out of whack and it’s probably best if you keep your opinions to yourself (and/or your most sacred group chat). No need to subtweet or post a cryptic Insta Story. Even if you’re right, it’s just not a good look and you’re in no place to articulate your opinions in a normal, non-psycho way. But don’t worry, your killer instincts will be back soon and you can resume talking sh*t.


Good Lord, Capricorn, ever heard of impulse control? Slow down. Take a breath. Download a meditation app and think before you buy/speak/text/post. You’d do well to second-guess literally everything you want to do this week. Do you really need those boots? Should you really text your ex that amazing comeback you just thought of for something he said three years ago? Does your mom really need to hear all the details of that weird hookup you had last weekend? The answer is no. No to all. Try to keep that in mind.


You’re torn between being good to yourself and being good to your friends this week, Aquarius. On the one hand, your best friends is going through her fourth breakup with the same old f*ckboy and this time it seems really serious. On the other hand, if you have to listen to Jessica talk about Brad one more time you might actually kill her. Be honest with yourself about what you can and can’t handle, and try to meet your friend halfway. Meeting up with Jess to swipe through Hinge and find her a new man over coffee: good. Meeting up with Jess to watch her cry for 10 hours then re-draft the same angry text she’s sent Brad 100 times before: bad.


Stop focusing on the past, Pisces! This week you’re going to feel tempted to re-hash every argument you’ve had since MTV still played music videos, and it’s going to do you absolutely no good. Should that guy you met at Coachella in 2010 have texted you back? Of course. Should your ex have run it by you before asking out your younger cousin? Definitely. Will it help you to go Facebook and put them all on blast publicly? Absolutely not. It’s time to move on.

Images: Giphy (6)

Alise Morales
Alise Morales
Alise Morales is a comedy writer and performer. She is the writer of the Betches Sup Newsletter and co-host of the Betches Sup Podcast.