Karma's A Bitch And So Is Irma: Your Weekly Horoscopes

They say karma is a bitch, but this week the bitch is Irma. While the east is bracing for storms, the west is dealing with a shit ton of wildfires and smoke. So that fucking sucks too. BUT Virgo steps in this week like, whoa, not so fast. Virgo’s power is all about helping others and improving things. If all you can do in service to others is text the Red Cross to donate money to hurricane relief, hey, at least that’s something. Thank you, Virgo for being a little glimmer of hope in an otherwise crappy environment.


The more feminine signs of the zodiac are battling it out within you this week. Venus wants the romance of the summer to stick around—you know, late nights, lots of parties, random flings. But Virgo is pulling you in a different direction. Virgo’s energy is pulling you to work hard and be mindful of every action you take. Mars wants others to back the fuck out of your spotlight, though. If you’re, like, actually going to put effort into something, you should get all the credit, right?


Virgo is kind of like a fairy godmother for Taurus this week. When you’re in a shitty mood, she’s like, hey, girl hey! Basically, like a sassy gay friend but in the form of a star sign. Also, the combo of the Sun, Mercury, and Mars working together is letting you get easily distracted by the finer things in life—sex, booze and treats of all kinds. Overall, it’s going to be a fun and enjoyable week ahead. Just like, maybe take a second to think about others who are not having it as good as you are.

Gay Friend


All of this Virgo energy has your desire to nest and find comfort at an all time high. It’s like, a little early for cuffing season, but you feel like you’re on that hunt for some security in a relationship. Maybe it’s all the sad shit going on in the world that has you seeking something stable and reliable. Just a thought. You’re a little bit emotional right now, which is fine. Just don’t let your feelings lock you down into something you really don’t want long-term. Wait to DTR for a week or two.


There’s a lot of coming and going in the near future for you. It might seem like things are really unstable or unreliable. Like, people you were into hanging out with last week might be super boring to you now. Or you just feel like your current friend group has become lame AF. If you’ve got something to say to someone, now is the week to do it. You’re pretty focused and have a super great idea of what you want out of life.



Generally, you’re pretty okay with your money. I mean, no one would ever accuse you of being tight or cheap, but you can really save when you put your mind to it. This might be a good week for you to think about what you really need to survive as a betch and what you can do without. There’s probably a big ticket item on the horizon that you’ll want to splurge for, like a trip to Europe or a house. I mean, who even knows. Be careful though, Venus has you feeling yourself this week and wanting to buy new clothes. Which is fine, but won’t get you closer to shopping in Paris.


The energy around Virgo right now is prime for making good impressions. You’ve got a lot of energy and drive thanks to the planets. You’re welcome. Mars in your sign means a lot is going on around you. Don’t worry, just because things are happening around you doesn’t mean you’ll be short on the attention of others. Basically everyone will want your opinion and for you to weight in on one thing or another. It’s not bad work if you can get it.

Center Of Attention


The poor social Libra girl isn’t feeling all that social this week. Yeah, you’ll probably be thinking, “WTF is wrong with me?!” You’ll be seeking a little bit of privacy to just take in everything that’s happening around you. Virgo will help you be successful in your endeavors this week—they just might be happening on the DL. Once again, not what you’re used to but whatevs. TG for Venus who will help break you out of hiding and push you to join the social world once again by the end of the week.


Let’s admit it, you can be a little (a lot) self-centered at times. This week, you’re powerful and in charge. If you get assigned a group project this week, you can bet your sweet ass you’ll be the defacto leader whether you like it or not. Which is fine, really, because you’re wanting to show off and your competitive side is coming out more and more. Your objective this week, though, should be to try your hardest not to take too much on in order to look like you’re working the hardest. Sometimes, the reward can be just as great if someone else at least helped with the work.



You’ve got a lot going on in your sign this week. Mars is making you ambitious, but your go-getter energy might come off as a threat to someone else. Be on guard for biting comments or secret sabotage from someone you thought was at least sort of your friend. Venus would rather you just skip the drama altogether and get out of town. A weekend trip might be just what you need to shake off the weird vibes from the rest of the week.


You feel, like, really affected by all the sadness going on around the world right now. Your concern for others seems like it’s at an all time high. You might want to throw yourself into work or working out—that sounds lame, but you really need a distraction from idly scrolling through your socials. Your more likely to fight with Aunt Pam about her fucking ridiculous opinions on Facebook if you allow yourself to spend too much time looking at your timeline. You and Pam would do well to get a hobby this week and get off the internet for a hot minute.



Everything just seems, like, really intense and overwhelming right now. There’s not enough dark chocolate in the world right now to put you in a better mood, so just be aware of that when you bite your boyfriend’s head off for asking you what’s wrong. You’ll be short-tempered, sure, but don’t be short-sighted. Careful not to piss off the wrong people, like your bosses or professors, with your sass. You’ll need their good favor when you return to your normal chipper self.


Your relationships are all over this week and you can blame Virgo for that. You might fight with those closest to you, i.e., family members or your significant other. On the other hand, you’re more charming in the eyes of people you don’t care that much about, like your coworkers or classmates. Keep in mind, this is your time of harvest—so whatever goals you’ve been working toward over the past year are really going to take shape this week!