Everything You Need To Do Before Summer Ends: Your Weekly Horoscopes

This week is basically the last one you have to get all that shit on your summer bucket list done before it’s pumpkin spice season. No, like, literally. Baristas have told Reddit that PSL sauce is back in stock, with a release date of September 5th. That’s right, motherfuckers. It might be 100 degrees outside, but your mood is totally all #fall now. With that, you’ll be back on the daily grind and tryna get back in a routine. Thanks to Mercury and its goddamned retrograde still happening, be prepared for some bumps along the way.


You’re in this weird headspace where you want to play and finish summer strong, but you’re also kinda ready to move on to the next best thing. Mercury is attracting an ex or an old fling back into your orbit. Which, you know, would kind of contradict your desire to move on. It’s like you’re trying to get out, but what’s-his-penis keeps pulling you back in! It really won’t matter either way in six months if you fall back into the arms of an old flame. He’ll be old/fake news in a month anyway.

Fake News


Labor Day being right around the corner has you scrambling to solidify plans to get in one last adventure before fall. I mean, did you even take enough bikini pics this summer to tide you over on TBTs through the winter? Are you willing to give up on being tan this early in the year ? These are serious questions you need to ask before making the final decision on if you’re getting out of town near a pool or settling in to the pale life. The choice is yours. Likewise, a Taurus betch likes the comforts in life—don’t force yourself to make plans with your friends if they’re doing something shitty like camping for the long weekend.


The focus this week continues to be on your private life. You’re being a little secretive, or, dare I say, even a little shady to your friends about who or what you’ve been doing lately. They might bring it up, but like, you really don’t need to make everything about your life public. Keeping some things on the DL will be beneficial to you. Mercury in retrograde is frustrating you. You’re being a little forgetful and misplacing more things than usual. Classic retrograde.



It’s a super busy time for you. The start of school/fall always kind of feels like a new beginning and you’re basically booked solid between shit you have to do and shit you want to do. Even though Mercury is in retrograde, you’re balancing all of it pretty well and even finding time to actually enjoy yourself without stressing out about the next thing you have to get done. Happiness for you right now is about leaving your options open. So don’t lock anything down this week; better things might be right around the corner.


Mars and Venus are both retrograde in Leo this time around. WTF does that mean, right? Well, for starters, feisty Mars makes your assertiveness a little too bold for some others to stomach. Don’t freak out too much—Venus sorta counteracts that by making you tolerable to be around, calming you down a little bit and stuff. Mercury in retrograde heightens all of these feelings, making you feel like you’re going a little crazy. Tell people you’re just really passionate right now and then hope they forget how much of a nutcase you were by next week.

Crazy Pills


This is your time. Yas, Virgo! Get out those cheap sunglasses you bought because you like how they look on one of the Bachelor stars, because your future looks bright AF. The Sun in your sign for the next four weeks shines a flattering light on you, attracting people and opportunities to you. Mercury in retrograde isn’t really fucking with your shit, which is ideal. Instead, it’s heightening your observational and research skills. It’s a super good time for you to get to sleuthing and finding the answers you’ve been seeking.


Are you a good betch or a bad betch? This week, you really can’t decide. You’re running hot and cold about a lot of things in your life. One day you’ll feel one way, and the next day you’ll be like, “Seriously, WTF was I thinking?” You usually aren’t the best at time management and spread yourself a little too thin when it comes to obligations. Mercury in retrograde might cause some scheduling mishaps, so check your calendar/planner twice before signing up for shit this week.



Ahhh yes, the sign of Katy Perry. Much like how some producer people put Katy in charge of running the show at the VMAs over the weekend, you have a take-charge attitude and are ready to get shit done in the week ahead. Your sense of ambition is heightened, and there are like, a lot of opportunities for you capitalize upon. Relationships between you and those who have some power over you i.e. your boss/professor/parents will be all good in the hood, so use that to your best advantage during this window of opportunity.


LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO will be your motto this time around, and not just because you share a zodiac sign with Taylor Swift. Actually, it’s totally because of T-Swift and I just wanted to mention that. Anyway, the Sun is at the top of your chart still, putting all the attention on you. Go figure, right? When all eyes are on you, it’s a good time to use your talent and capabilities to their fullest—put yourself on display, if you will. Hell, now would even be a good time to premiere a music video on a show hosted by your fiercest rival. I mean, if you’re into that.

Taylor Swift


A two-year window of having to make sacrifices in your life is finally coming to a close. You’ve been feeling like everything—friendships, apartments, relationships—has been really temporary and you’re ready for a more stable time in your life. Starting in your new year, you’ll get a chance to feel more settled. Not like, settled down and boring, but like, stable and happy. That type of shit. In the mean time, long-standing arguments are going to be settled in your favor. See, not all of Mercury in retrograde is so bad.


Everything is like, super intense for you right now. You can’t even scroll your Twitter feed without feeling #devastated by every piece of news you see. Mars makes you easily annoyed with others and their stupid opinions. You might come to a point where you need a break from someone close to you because you realize your differences in opinion about something important are just too, well, different. Fortunately, Venus will balance you out a little bit. Venus will make you feel #blessed and thankful for what you have.

Surrounded By Idiots


If you’re not a psychology major, you’ll certainly feel like this one this week. I mean, don’t actually switch your major or career just because you want to shrink some heads. That’d be crazy. What I mean is, this is a great time for the empathy of Pisces to come into play. You’ll better understand your relationships. You’ll be more aware of what others mean to you and exactly where you stand with them. Whatever you learn will make your life easier. How does Mercury in retrograde fuck shit up for you this week? It creates little glitches and mistakes in your day-to-day. Get ready to use that little poop emoji to describe your day.