Brace Yourselves, Mercury Retrograde Is Coming: Your Weekly Horoscopes

All Signs

So Mercury isn’t in retrograde quite yet (It starts August 13 BTW so consider yourself warned), but the time immediately before and after Mercury wrecks your shit can also be a little dicey. So just like, don’t plan on making any huge purchases or decisions until after it’s over on September 5. This week, though, Jupiter and Pluto are basically duking it out so there’s a #triggerwarning for obsession, ambition and major highs and lows.


Relationships with your best friend or boyfriend are a little complicated this week. It’s like, kinda tricky because those closest to you could be influential in introducing you to someone who will become super important in your life. On the flip side of all that, some social interactions or your bestie trying to reach out to build new relationships could make you really jealous. Keep that social calendar stacked with shit to do with different friends so you don’t get too weirdly attached to just one pal this week. That will keep you from becoming a total clingy psycho.



Make sure you’re taking your adult chewy vitamins this week because the Jupiter/Pluto combo could fuck with your health. No one wants to be the annoying office-mate that gets a weird, gross summer cold. So if you’ve been hitting the summer party circuit pretty hard and not watching out for your health, it’s time to reevaluate some of your choices. I mean, at least if you switch to mimosas instead of straight champagne, you’ll be getting some Vitamin C from the juice, right?


Usually a Taurus betch is the stubborn one, but your star sign neighbor is rubbing off on you this week. You want to get your way and your ambition is firing on all cylinders to get it. Be wary and on the watch for people who want to neg on your goals and plans; they really are just trying to stop you from living your best life because they’re jealous little bitches. These boring leech-people might be super subtle about it and bring it up in a way that seems like they “only want what’s best for you”. Don’t believe that BS, they only want what’s best for themselves and that’s holding you back.

Kevin Gnapoor


You’ve got a major project in the works. OK, like, what did we say about starting something big right around Mercury in retrograde? Don’t blame me when this project seems more difficult than usual because you’re bad at taking advice. You’ll experience more bumps in the road in the coming week over things that usually go super smoothly for you. Yikes. Keep your head up, though, because everything will actually work out okay, even if things seem gloomy as shit at the beginning of the week.


That Leo roar is really coming out this week. While some will be intimated by your strong opinions and you standing up for yourself and what you believe in, others will be like, whoa, and show you some R-E-S-P-E-C-T. This means you have to have some editing abilities when it comes to when and where you bring out your ferocity. Bringing up your strong opinions in a situation that doesn’t really call for them is a bad idea. Like, no one needs to know how you feel about gun control during hungover brunch, Kellie.

Zip It


You feel super uneasy about your finances this week. It’s not necessarily that anything is wrong, you just feel like you could be doing more about not being poor. Be careful about coming up with crazy business plans or quitting your job on a whim right now to pursue supposed crazy money-making opportunities. Wait until after Mercury in retrograde to see if you feel the same way or you were just having a crazy moment. This feeling could pass, or, it could, like, not. The best plan is to just wait and see for a bit.


You’ve set some big plans in motion recently and you feel like you’re spinning your wheels to see if they materialize into anything super life-changing. While you’re in this period of limbo, don’t let yourself get lazy or slip into bad habits because you don’t see anything coming to fruition right away. Just chill out, bitch! Things will pick up like crazy by mid-September, so just take the rest of the summer to work on side projects or relax. Big things are up ahead.

Chill Out


Everyone loves the Scorpio betch right now. It seems like people just can’t get enough of you. Your Bumble profile is lit and your matches keep rolling in. It might actually be a little overwhelming to have all of this positive attention. Don’t freak the fuck out or anything. It’s totally normal to be this popular. This week, focus your time on people you actually care about. A lot of #fakefriends will want to be in your inner circle. Sure, be social, but don’t let that distract you from the people and things that really matter.


Things are not looking so casual right now. A relationship you thought was carefree is going to be taking up a lot of space in your mind. Are you worried you’re catching feelings for your casual hookup buddy? Is a friendship with a coworker turning toxic? Whatever is weighing on your mind should be addressed before the start of Mercury in retrograde. You know, before shit really hits the fan.



You’re on an ambition roller coaster. Like, sometimes you feel you’re on the top of the world kicking ass, then a small speed bump comes along and you feel like you’re failing at everything you do. You need to tell those negative thoughts to quiet the fuck down this week so you can focus on actually achieving your goals. The constant up and down in your mood about what you want to accomplish is getting in the way of actually accomplishing those things. Work on being more even-keel this week and you’ll get a lot farther toward where you’re going.


The balancing act in your life continues this week. The key to keeping your head above water is staying on the up-and-up. This is not the week to get totally shady and start telling little white lies or being dishonest about anything. Like, seriously, even if you have to cancel plans, tell your friends it’s because you’d rather stay home and eat pasta and watch Netflix than meet them for happy hour. Any lies your start telling will only grow to monstrous proportions when Mercury is in retrograde soon enough.



Some big, sweeping changes are on the way to your life in two categories: relationships and finances. When it comes to relationships, you and someone you are really close to will probably realize major differences and might have to decide it’s best to go your separate ways. With your finances, something is about to happen that’s really going to change the way you look at money from a philosophical standpoint. So yeah, yikes, shit is really getting real and you might want to stock up on your big girl panties and red wine to make it through the week.