It’s just about summer and that means your allotment of fucks to give is about to go out the window. Welcome to the club, we here at Betches ran out of fucks to give in like, 2011. However because we are (pretending to be) something called “productive members of society,” none of us can just bow out of adult life. So what’s in store for your week and your summer? Drinks by the beach? Well, duh. A sense of wanderlust that eats away at you? Probs. An annoying coworker who wishes you a “happy Monday” every week, and can you just fucking give it a rest, Deborah? Well okay, maybe that last one’s just me. But for everyone else, read on to see what the stars have in store for you this week and during the summer. Everyone except Deborah. Fuck you, Deborah.
Aries
After Father’s Day and a timeline full of #BestDadEver posts, you’re probs thinking more about your family and home life this week. You’re feeling, like, a little more needy this week and might be making a few extra phone calls to mom and dad. The good news though, is that you’re not struggling financially right now so the calls aren’t about coaxing your dad into giving you more cash (this time). You’ll be able to use the next four weeks to bond and build better relationships with those who should really be considered your #RideOrDies.
Taurus
The next four weeks are fast-paced af for you. Summer is literally just heating up and so are your social obligations. Like, you might even be considering buying more refrigerator magnets to hold all of the wedding invites you’ve been getting. Ew, gross. Don’t lose your HBIC status because you’re stuck in a bridesmaid dress or as a face in the crowd. Perfect your skinny arm poses now so your Insta posts from all these weddings can be as lit as you are attending them.
Gemini
You’ll feel like a fucking Jeopardy! contestant for the next four weeks with how quickly money is coming in and going out of your bank account. Sure, you’re making money, but you’re also spending like there’s no tomorrow. I mean, a girl has obligations and all, but you might want to slow your roll and remember that you’re legit working toward something big, so you might not want to blow your nest egg before you even establish a nest egg.
Cancer
It’s birthday time for the Cancer betch! The Sun enters your sign and hangs around for the next four weeks, bringing you good luck and positive attention. The Sun is important because it always brings good vibes to whatever sign it’s in, but you also have Mercury and Mars in your sign meaning you’ll be talkative and full of good ideas. Meaning, people are more likely to listen to you and let you pick the brunch spot, not just because it’s your birthday, but because they’re all about trusting your judgement right now.
Leo
Your Cancer friends are kind of overshadowing your normal shine right now, Leo. Instead of going all “natural lion instinct” on them for stealing your attention, be content to hang out in the wings until your time to shine rolls around a month from now. Until the party ball is back in your court, focus on working behind the scenes on boring shit other people don’t care about, like work and advancing your career. That way, you can have big, exciting news to share with everyone when all their attention turns back to you.
Virgo
You continue to be popular, like, fucking duh. While you’re gallivanting around with a full social schedule, take a minute to pop on your sunglasses and really observe those around you. The next few weeks are the best time to observe those close to you and check to see if they’re toxic to your life. You’ll be extra woke to those who are acting like shadeballs and, therefore, more likely to stab you in the back in the future. Fuck a fake friend, where ya real friends at, amiright?
Libra
This is the only time of year where the Sun is at the very top of your chart. It hangs out there for the next four weeks, so definitely use that spotlight to your advantage. How do you make the most of this luck? Well, you start charming the shit out of people you want things from i.e. your bosses or people in positions of power. They’re more likely to see you in a favorable light and just give you what you want.
Scorpio
A road trip or vacation is on the schedule of the Scorpio betch in the next few weeks, and if it’s not, it should be. You’re dying to expand your horizons, errr maybe just dance on a bar in a city with a name you can’t pronounce. Whatever it is, now is the time is to scratch that travel itch, because the adventures you take will be #blessed with good luck and only minimal flight delays. Bring on the margs, please.
Sagittarius
Things will go really smoothly for you for the next four weeks. You know how everything Katy Perry does right now is, like, TTH and a total trainwreck? Well, the exact opposite is true for you. Even if you aren’t trying 100 percent at work or whatever actual responsibilities you have right now, other people are too wrapped up in their own shit to notice you’ve been phoning it in. As long as you put at least some effort into your life others will be totally thankful to have you around.
Capricorn
Put down the self-help and relationship books; all you need to figure your life out in the next four weeks is some good old fashioned introspection. Taking like, a small pause to think about your relationships will bring you much better clarity than paying a medium a thousand bucks to tell you your dead uncle Joe says hi. Bummer this week, though. You’re going to need more rest. Plan on taking naps so you can enjoy the longest days of the summer.
Aquarius
You’re really trying to get your shit together in the next four weeks. Whether that means clearing out a bunch of old clothes and junk from your apartment or starting a bogus detox tea/juice cleanse diet to clean the junk out of your trunk, you’re ready to start anew. Most people make resolutions around New Year’s Eve, but not you. You’re dancing to the beat of your own drummer and getting your mid-year resolution game on point. That’s all well and good, but make sure you actually stick to your plans instead of just telling everyone about them and then bailing a week in.
Pisces
The next four weeks are a really fun-filled time for you. After a fucking nasty winter, summer has finally settled in for good it seems. You’re all about getting out to happy hour, outdoor concerts, and any fun summer activity that comes your way. You could really use some brightness in your life after not the most amazing start to the year. Things are definitely on the uphill swing right now, though. Things are literally and metaphorically sunnier for you.
What hookups does the summer have in store for you? Find out in your summer love horoscope here!
